Prelude – And You Are...

Brandon stops the intern he doesn't know.

"Have you seen Meagan Clarke today?" Brandon asks him.

"Who is Meagan Clarke?" he replies.

Brandon blinks, "She's an intern... just back from a vacation... even if you're new here, you would've seen her come back. Everyone made a big deal about singling her out and repeatedly telling her that they're glad she's back. Darren went so far as to tell her she was glad she brought her kids to work again."

"I didn't know any of the interns had kids."

"They don't."

"Oh, Well, still don't know who you're talking about."

"Do you actually work here?" Brandon questions.

"I could ask you the same thing," the intern tells him.

"That's not an answer."

"You know, I find it kind of funny," he says to Brandon, "You're telling me that I need to pay more attention to people around here, and yet you have no clue as to who I am, or what I do. Don't you think that's funny?"

Brandon opens his mouth to reply, but no words come out.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," the nameless intern says, walking past Brandon.

"Oh. And by the way," he continues, adopting a harsh, mocking tone, "Some girl who's name I just 'didn't happen to learn' told me that if you needed to find her, she'd be down the street, picking up her comics at the comic shop. Maybe that's her."

"...thanks," Brandon mutters sullenly.

Act 01 – Have You Been Regular?

"Don' look now, but Bri-Shizzle is up in the hizzy!" Brian, the overly white comic shop store regular exclaims, walking through the door of The Widow's Den, "And oh-mah-Gee look who it be! Mee-hee-gan, you are looking super fine today, like you're a Sharpie or somethin'."

Toby the comic shop guy looks at Brian with slight anger fom behind the ocunter and says, "First of all, most Sharpies aren't considered as being 'fine'. And second, down. You do enough ogling at the disgusting comic books you get. I don't need to see this technique applied to real life."

"Oh, you really don't need to worry," Meagan sighs with defeat, "I'm used to it. I mean, yesterday when I got back to work, instead of welcoming me back, Darren finished his pop and told me he was glad I brought some more cans."

"Classy," Toby says simply before slapping his hand on the counter and snapping his fingers, "I was going to grab your stash."

"Yes you were."

"I'll be right back."

Brian slides up next to Meagan, :You know, I ain' no playah like you saw me be just a little tick ago, know what I'm sayin'? That's just fo' show, bo. Really, I'm a sensitive homie, always lookin' out for a ho..."

"I have a boyfriend," Meagan tells him.

"Oh really? Snap , I thought Scott dumped you," Brian explains, "Sorry, yo."

Meagan narrows her eyes, "Why would you think that Scott dumped me?"

Toby, hearing this quickly turns his head towards Brian and gives him the 'Imma-cut-your-throat-if-you-tell-her' signal. Brian receives this and says, "Oh well, uh... no reason."

"Toby, I can see what you're doing," Meagan tells him, "Why would he think that Scott was going to dump me?"

Toby looks uncomfortable, "Brain, I swear, if you didn't buy so much of my bad comics, I'd kill you right now..."

"Toby..."

He breathes out, "A while back, when you... and excuse me for saying this, but these were Scott's words, not mine... 'crazier-than-a-box-full-of-rabid-ferrets', he was going to break up with you. Right before the whole... you know... business with Amy and you..." Toby explains.

Meagan looks a little betrayed.

"You okay?"

She breathes, "Yeah, just uh... can you uh... could you hold on to those comics for a little bit longer? I think I'm going to... I think I'm going to have a chat with Scott..."

Act 02 – Because I Said So

Andy James' mouth drops ten feet to the ground.

"Dude."

Dino Pollard glides out of his cubicle on his rolling chair, "What's up?"

"Read this. 'Son the front page of the site. This can't be right."

Press Release!

DC and Marvel are pleased to announce that after years of bickering and competing, the companies are merging into what they believe will be the most talked about event in comic book history.

"See, our edict at Marvel is to never give the readers something they'd expect," said Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada, "All the way from making The Rawhide Kid gayer than Christmas, or turning The Thing into an albino woman who has a penchant for collecting porcelain cats, to this merger, we love screwing with you guys. Oh wait, I didn't just leak a storyline again did I? Oh [explicit deleted], that marketing girl is going to spank me again..."

"I've always liked Joe and most of the guys at Marvel," said DC Vice-President Dan Didio, "You know. Some of the time. Most of the time, they were just being stupid and childish and... well, I guess they kind of still are, but you know. Let bygones be bygones, right?"

Under the deal, DC and Marvel will both maintain their own separate universes until a suitable crossover can be planned and written.

It should also be noted that while Brian Michael Bendis would've been a good choice for a project of this magnitude, he will be permanently out of the running. As per the contract, after Bendis gets to write his highly anticipated Batman/Daredevil project with Alex Maleev, DC Vice President Bob Wayne will unhinge his jaw, and swallow Bendis whole.

---

"This isn't right, there would've been talks of this before it happened," Dino shakes his head.

"Hey hey hey, how are my boys!" Darren smiles.

"Darren, we are not your boys," Andy explains, "We, are the controllers of the Water Cooler and all that is said by it. You will never rank above us."

"Mmmhmm, yeah, anyway, just thought I'd let you know, me and Sudsie are working here in the news department. You know, making up stories and stuff and putting them online," Darren grins.

They both blink, "'Make up?'"

"Uh, yeah," Darren tells them, "Isn't that what you do with the news? I know that's what Brandon used to do when I worked for him, so that's what I've been doing."

"Darren, you can't just make up news and stick it on the site, you look for it on the interweb and the companies send e-mails!" Dino exclaims.

"Oh my God, Ronée is going to kill us,"

"Excuse me," Meagan says, pushing by the group.

"So lemme get this straight," Darren says, "I screw up... and Ronée is going to kill you?"

"As workers here, we are responsible for the interns," Andy explains.

"Really?" Darren grins manically, ""Uh, listen guys, I gotta run..."

Dino hits Andy, "Why did you tell him that?"

Andy shrugs as Brandon comes running up, "You see Meagan around?"

Dino points, "Yeah, she went that way."

"Thanks," Brandon says absently, as he walks over to Meagan, who is trying to make her way to Scott, "Meagan, I need some help in the column room for a second, okay?"

Meagan turns around and looks at Brandon. Then looks at the desk Scott is looking at.

She sighs.

"Okay, one sec."

Act 03 – Welcome Home, Hope You Survive the Experience

Bang! Bang! Bang!

The shot echoes in Brandon's memory as he remembers the day that Amy Johnson died. He and Scott had rushed towards the hole in the office floor to see what had happened, and when they saw what had happened...

Brandon shrunk away from the hole, refusing to believe the site. Scott, seeing that Amy was obviously not okay, not conscious, and very much in no form to answer any questions he had climbed down the hole and immediately started to ask Meagan if she was okay.

She had witnessed the whole thing. And no, she wasn't okay. If it were up to her, she wouldn't set foot in Brandon's office or the intern break room ever again.

But it wasn't up to her.

And now, she was back working for Brandon, in the very office where she worked with Amy, in the very office that Darren Jess had cut a hole down to the intern break room in.

"I think I can work from out here," Meagan explains.

Brandon blinks, "You're standing in the doorway."

"Actually, she's standing just outside of the doorway," Conner corrected, "See, to be standing in the actual doorway, she'd have to be on the whatever-the-[spoon] that thing is called."

"A threshold?"

"That's the one. Now tell me how you get into this [spooning] log in system you people have on these computers?"

"You... don't," Brandon tells him, "You, are an intern, and you, don't have a log-in name or password You, aren't allowed to do any work unless I okay it, and... long story short, I'm not okay with you working here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to take care of."

"You know, it's funny," Conner smiles with fake sincerity, "Here I thought you need to take care of your freaking column!"

"I am taking care of the column by getting my intern, my real intern, who actually cares about comic books and the people who read them, to get into the office so that she can help me do some real work."

"She doesn't want to work, and she's not going to work," Conner growls, "I am at least willing to work, and even if you don't like my work, you have to admit, I at least get the job done. Whereas you..."

"He's right, you know," Brandon's invisible memory of Amy Johnson tells him from her seat atop his desk.

"Oh, shut up," Brandon growls, "You're just jealous that I liked her before I met you."

Conner blinks, unable to see the actually-dead Amy sitting in between him and Brandon, "While I am very flattered, you do know I have a girlfriend, don't you?"

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to..." Brandon's mind gives him the 'don't say it, you'll sound crazy' signal.

"You know what? Just never mind," he says, shaking his head a bit, "It's been a long day of people telling me how to do my job and... obviously, I'm loosing it a little, so... I'm just going to take a break, if that's okay with all of you."

"Sure. Fine. And you wonder why your column is late all the time..."

"Look, Conner, this week's column, is done already. And if you really wanted to make it look like you cared about this job, you would've went to Blake and either found that out, or get temporary permission to log on to the system.

"Now please. As much as I like dealing with you being a complete tool, and trying to make my old crush actually do her job so that she doesn't get fired, I am taking a freaking break!"

Meagan and Conner give Brandon strange looks as he slides down the hole in the office floor.

"Wow. What a freak," Conner mouths, "If this is how all you comic losers end up, I'm glad I'm not one of you."

"Conner, get over yourself," Meagan snaps at him.

"Whoa, someone sure grew herself a little backbone in the last few seconds," Conner says, "What happened to little Miss To-Afraid-To-Step-Across-the-Line?"

Meagan scrunches up her face in anger and opens her mouth to reply. She stops herself.

"You're not worth it," she tells him, "I have a bigger problem to deal with."

Act 04 – Get Over Yourself

Since Amy had been shot in the intern break room, Brandon found that no one really used it anymore. So, whenever he needed to escape from whatever batch of crazy had arrived at his office doorstep on any given day, he retreated down the escape hatch and relaxed in the quiet of it all. Normally.

Sometimes, however, he found that there were some old ghosts in the room that refused to leave him alone.

"You can't always run from your problems," Amy tells him.

Brandon sighs with contempt and says, "Funny story. See, normally I can, but you just seem to pop up no matter where I go."

"Hey, that's not my fault," Amy explains, "You're the one carrying my memory around. Come to think of it, you've been doing it more often lately, which, really Brandon, when you think about it... it's just plain sad."

"It's not sad," Brandon argues, "It's perfectly healthy. I'm reacting to my grief and I'm getting it out there."

"You're holding onto a memory of a dead girl who you didn't even like."

"That's not true, and you know it," Brandon argues, "You died right when we were going to start... I don't know... but... there was potential there."

"Oh, and that would've been just great, wouldn't it? Second choice to the perfect Meagan Clarke who was already taken," Amy retorts, "I'm sure it would've worked out nicely. I mean, you did make a nice speech about how she was the perfect girl and everything, right before I died."

"Okay, yes, I told you that Meagan was the perfect girl," Brandon tells her, "But I also told you that I didn't want perfect. I wanted you because you were perfect for me."

"And your whole 19 years of experience with women told you that. Oh wait, I'm forgetting those years you thought girls had cooties, so what does that leave you with... 2 years? 3? Maybe?"

"Okay, now you're just being silly," Brandon shrugs the comment off, "I could've loved you. Given the chance, I know I could've. It's like our comic shop guy told me, you're my Gwen Stacy. You were my potential for everything."

"Gwen Stacy isn't real. I am not real. I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm not going to suddenly get better and validate your crazy little belief that if you carry around my memory in the front of your mind long enough, everything will go back to the way things used to be with me being alive again. That doesn't happen in real life. And if I were to come back to life, it wouldn't be for you. Your words are too sappy."

Brandon scrunches his face into a look of strained confusion and he yells, "I don't get it. I thought that this is what you'd want: to be remembered after you died. Why are you saying these things to me?"

She looks at him with worry in her eye and simply states, "Don't you get it? I'm not saying these things to you.

"You are."

Brandon blinks some more. He opens his mouth to respond. And closes it. He exhales deeply.

"Need some time by yourself to process that?"

"...I don't know," Brandon breathed, "Maybe. Are you going to leave?"

She smiles, "That's not up to me."

Brandon looks at her.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see then, won't we?"

Postlude – Who Is That Mystery Man Anyway?

The nameless intern smiles to himself as he walks away from the slightly open door to the intern break room.

"And this is the guy who thinks I shouldn't be working here."

end

TOASTED.ZINE VOLUME 03 – ISSUE 03
AUTHORS: brandon schatz and Darren Jess
CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: Craig Reade
EDITOR: Blake Petit
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Doug Norris

©2004 All rights reserved. Published bi-weekly on comiXtreme, later to be achieved at stillontheshelf. All opinions stated in the preceding are of the author, and none of the editors or affiliates.