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| toasted.zine VOLUME 03 – ISSUE 01 – VARIANT EDITION! REMEMBER THE 90'S? Hell, I'll be damned if I remember a lick of most of the nineties when it comes to superhero comic books. For most of that era, I was just a little kid reading Archie comics, and my cousins were the ones reading the drudgeries of the "superhero nineties" comics, variant covers and all. I'm told to be glad that I was spared that moment in time, but of course, being the stupid prat I am, I don't listen. I come along, and shove a friggen' variant edition of my column down your throats. Like one version wasn't more than enough. Do we really need TWO out there? Well, people don't need the same comic with two different covers, but they still buy the stupid things. At least I make an effort to make the contents a little bit different than what you've been through before. So. Kick back. Relax. Grab a beer and eat some pork rinds or something, and read on. You'll love yourself for it, I'm sure. BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS WOULDN'T KNOW GOOD DIALOGUE IF IT CAME OUT OF HIS ASS How's that for an attention grabber? It's a pretty bold statement, is it not? Especially coming from someone with such an obvious lack of "Bendis-par" writing skill. So. Why did I write that? Why did you read it? Simple. I, am a greedy attention whore. Not that there's anything wrong with that. As a (and I use the term rather loosely) "columnist" for comiXtreme and a creepy feature at SOTS, I am supposed to create a ruckus so that you good posters come in with your sometimes overly fascinating opinions and have a grand old time discussing the sometimes poignant, most times crack ass stupid things I say about comics and all the baggage that irrevocably comes with that world. And... sometimes, when the goin's is rough and the picken's is slim, I'll say something to the effect of "Brian Michael Bendis wouldn't know good dialogue if it came out of his ass" just for the cheep thrill of watching an over-inflated post count arise after the masses realize what I've just insinuated. That is, before some smart guy figures out where I live and sends his trained comic nerd assassins to kill me ("Shazam! You're dead!" "You idiot, you can't kill anyone by saying 'Shazam!'" "...Shazam! You're dead!"). But hey. It's not like I can't back up that statement with an argument you can't agree with. No wait, seriously. Hear me out. And stop saying "Shazam!". It's getting annoying. See, I pretty damn sure that if there were any kind of good dialogue coming out of good ol' Bendis' end-region, his first thought would most definitely not be "Gosh! Those sure are some well formed and realistic thoughts I'm hearing coming out of my posterior". No, I'm pretty sure he'd probably think something along the lines of, "Well this can't be good. Honey? What did you do with that fanboy who was hiding outside our house in the bushes?" Yeah. That's probably what he'd think. Or not. You know. That could just be me, and you could just all be crazy or something. VOLUME THE 'TURD So, for those of you who haven't picked up on where that little intro was eventually leading to, welcome to the third volume of my little miscreation. I thought I'd start things out with a classy "talking out of your end" and "turd" combo joke, just to show you that yes, I really do try too hard to be funny, and sometimes, you're going to end up with a big load of jokes that stick to high heaven. But such is the life of un-professional "show" business. Hopefully the new bi-weekly schedule will save you from too much torment. But hey. There's a column to get to, so what do you say to getting this party started? I'm sorry what was that? Oh, no, we don't allow whips here, but you can still wear the assless chaps. I don't mind. Stay lightly toasted! -b. BEHIND THE 'ZINES -- REALITY CHECK "What are you doing?" Brandon stopped typing and blinked at the computer screen twice. He moved his gaze upwards slowly and he found himself staring into the eyes of Amy Johnson. She was smiling coyly, head resting on an arm, resting on the computer monitor. "You aren't supposed to be here," Brandon told her. "Really? Why?" Brandon blinked again, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because... um... now, how can I word this... oh right. You're dead." Amy rolled her eyes, "Well, then someone obviously has some issues." "Or maybe someone hasn't slept in over 48 hours and needs more sleep," Brandon retorted, moving his mouse to click on save. "No, no, it's not that," Amy smiled, touching Brandon's nose, "You're still in love with me." "I can't still be in love with you, because you died right after I figured out that I liked you," Brandon dismissed, shutting the monitor of his computer off, "There was no love, just... just the potential for it." "So what you're saying is, you haven't slept since I died, and you keep on seeing me because you still want the chance?" Brandon scrunched up his face just as the inside of his head exploded. "God, if you're there, I'm thinking I liked my life better when the biggest thing I had on my mind was the sickening shortness of Darren Jess' really short boxer shorts..."[/font] TOASTED!NEWS BOXERS Live from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted!News Boxers, your source for all the news thought interesting enough to post n' such. ITEM!Geoff Johns popped out some tidbits about some of his upcoming DC comic book plans...
ITEM! Three issues of I Can’t Believe its Not Justice League have been turned in so far, but the actual solicit month still has not been determined. Although, it is said that the story might be placed in the anthology-type story arc title JLA Classified, a series that is going to debut with an arc penned by Grant Morrison, with Ed McGuinness on art. ITEM!Judd Winnick will be taking over Batman after "Wargames" as a permanent writer, while Peter Milligan will be taking the X-Men reins over from Chuck Austen. ITEM! The next two issues of Fables will go on to a World War II adventure then it will go back to a year in Fable Town. Then it will move on to some spotlight characters off stage and Jack will go to Hollywood. ITEM! Brian Azzarello will be going a VERY violent comic called Loveless. It will be a western tale during the reconstruction after the Civil War. Also, Azzarello has renewed his exclusive DC contract for 3 more years. ITEM! In Superman news, the Brain Azzarello/Jim Lee arc that is currently ongoing in Superman takes place on year in advance from all other stories currently running. Also, Jeph Loeb will be off of Batman/Superman as of issue #25. ITEM! Ed Brubaker will be taking over Captian America as of November, along with Steve Epting. ITEM! Galactus is coming back in the pages of the FF, choosing a new herald in issue #520. ITEM! Allan Heinberg, the writer of TV’s The O. C. is going to be writing a very new, very secretive title called Young Avengers, which is said to be like Teen Titans, but not. ITEM! In November, Warren Ellis will be taking over Iron Man with Adi Granov producing amazing computer generated art for the interiors. ITEM! Many much new titles are coming in November, including a Robert Kirkman penned Marvel Team-Up, a new ongoing Busiek and Nizera penned Thunderbolts series, and an Avengers Finale story, a la the last episode of M*A*S*H. Black Panther is supposedly coming back early next year. ITEM! Joe Kelly will be doing a Space Ghost title that will run six issues, and go into the origin of Space Ghost and his villains, beginning in November. ITEM! Both Robert Kirkman and Warren Ellis are exclusive to Marvel for two years, though both are still able to continue with side projects, such as Invincible and Planetary. ITEM! Marvel and DreamWave have signed a deal together that will see Pat Lee doing some covers for Marvel and a Fantastic Four/X-Men crossover title made by the DreamWave studio. BEHIND THE 'ZINES – ETERNAL PANTSLESSNESS OF THE SPOTLESS MIND "Hey Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn-doooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" Brandon bristled as he looked up from the computer screen and towards the door. Darren Clarke was standing in the entranceway, grinning like an idiot, pants down to his ankles. "Guess what I'm doing, buddy," he said, shuffling his way into the room. Brandon looked over top of his glasses with disapproval and muttered, "I'd put money on 'annoying the living crap out of your boss'." "Dude," Darren laughed, "You have to think less lateral and more invertational. You know what I'm saying?" "You don't even know what you're saying." "Good point. Listen. I think I've been working hard lately..." Brandon made an all-to-quickly-failed attempt to stifle his laughter. "So, I was wondering if it would be okay if I took the afternoon off. Me and Sudsie are going to hit Craig's party." "Craig's having a party?" "Craig is having a party," Darren restated, "Big ol' bash to celebrate not being the news monkey king anymore. Says he's inviting over a bunch of super-freakin' hot womens to work our mojo on." Brandon smiled and leaned back in his chair, "So wait. Lemme get this straight. A mute, a midget and a guy with no pants are going to get drunk and hit on whatever women a man with a stature smaller than my knee can bring in." "Hey, it just so happens that women find midgets to be very attractive," Darren said, shrugging his shoulders, "Especially when they're dressed in one of those really tiny housecoats while they carry around a martini." "I'll keep that in mind the next time I need a woman," Brandon muttered sullenly before sighing, "Okay. You can go to whatever Craig is doing. Just... explain to me exactly why you feel the need to be pantsless now?" "Practice, man," Darren explained, "I need to be able to function like this while I'm drunk and surrounded by many much beautiful women." "Oh of course," Brandon muttered, leaning back forward to look at the computer screen, "Have fun. And Darren?" "Yes?" "Congratulations on the longer boxers. The whole office appreciates it."[/font] VARIANT EDITION EXCLUSIVE – BECAUSE I SAID SO: INSIDER #1 Way back in the day, before toasted.zine even existed, there was Because I Said So, a parody column about the fake news and behind the scene events of the world of comic books. Now, the parody column returns, exclusive to the Still on the Shelf Variant Editions. Keep in mind that all of the following is completely fake, and is in no way real. Unfortuantely. Naturally, there was many different bits of news paraded about at the San Diego Comic Con, but like everyone knows, the juiciest bits are those that aren't readily told to the general public, and we here at the BISS:I have your hook up for the things you never heard from ANYONE or ANYWHERE else. We picked the best of our dirt and have it here for you. Enjoy. ITEM! After pumping him full of many beers and buying him a couple of easy women for the night, a grateful Joshua Blaylock began to spill on a top secret project coming in early 2005. "'S'gonna' be great," the creator slurred, "Best thing we've ever done, see. Jus'... jus' picture this, mmmkay? You got the G.I. Joes, right? 'N they're in the middle of this mission, right? When this rainbow comes down from the sky, and on it, it's like, Rainbow Bright, you know? And she's fricken' pissed for some reason. I mean, really. Bitch is on her period, right, an' she and her color friends just go nuts on the Joes, right? N' so, n' so, not knowing how to really fight her, the Joes go n' they get themselves some reinforcements, you know? They call out the big guns, like... the Care Bears, man. You know. An' it's gonna' be great, like... Care Bear Stare an' Rainbow sunshine power all mixin' with some old school military ****, you know? S'gonna' be awesome, man. S'gonna', I know." BURNT TOAST And with that, another edition of toasted.zine is done. Want more? Well, check out an all new edition of toasted.zine on comiXtreme on august 10th, 2004. Until next time... Stay lightly toasted! -b. b. schatz is the creator, writer, and artist of the critically unacclaimed web comic Lost Toast! and upcoming prose ventures named "normalsville" and "gifted", both due out in September. He also thinks he looks saucy in a speedo, but you didn't hear that from him. Any of the parts of the column b. schatz fabricated from his own imagination, are in fact his own doing, and should not be blamed on anyone else but himself. Just so you know. |
