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toasted.zine
VOLUME 03 – ISSUE 01
"the one where we *steal* a bunch of news from the comicon"
BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS WOULDN'T KNOW GOOD DIALOGUE IF IT CAME OUT OF HIS BUTT

How's that for an attention grabber? It's a pretty bold statement, is it not? Especially coming from someone with such an obvious lack of "Bendis-par" writing skill. So. Why did I write that? Why did you read it? Simple.

I, am a greedy attention monkey. Not that there's anything wrong with that. As a (and I use the term rather loosely) "columnist" for comiXtreme, I am supposed to create a ruckus so that you good posters come in with your sometimes overly fascinating opinions and have a grand old time discussing the sometimes poignient, most times stupid things I say about comics and all the baggage that irrevocably comes with that world.

Sometimes, when the goin's is rough and the picken's is slim, I'll say something to the effect of "Brian Michael Bendis wouldn't know good dialogue if it came out of his butt" just for the cheep thrill of watching an over-inflated post count arise after the masses realize what I've just insinuated. That is, before some smart guy figures out where I live and sends his trained comic nerd assassins to kill me ("Shazam! You're dead!" "You idiot, you can't kill anyone by saying 'Shazam!'" "...Shazam! You're dead!").

But hey. It's not like I can't back up that statement with an argument you can't agree with. No wait, seriously. Here me out. And stop saying "Shazam!". It's getting annoying.

See, I pretty gosh darn sure that if there were any kind of good dialogue coming out of good ol' Bendis' end-region, his first thought would most definitely not be "Gosh! Those sure are some well formed and realistic thoughts I'm hearing coming out of my posterior". No, I'm pretty sure he'd probably think something along the lines of, "Well this can't be good. Honey? What did you do with that fanboy who was hiding outside our house in the bushes?"

Yeah. That's probably what he'd think. Or not. You know. That could just be me, and you could just all be crazy or something.

VOLUME THE 'TURD

So, for those of you who haven't picked up on where that little intro was eventually leading to, welcome to the third volume of my little miscreation. I thought I'd start things out with a classy "talking out of your end" and "turd" combo joke, just to show you that yes, I really do try too hard to be funny, and sometimes, you're going to end up with a big load of jokes that stick to high heaven. But such is the life of un-professional "show" business. Hopefully the new bi-weekly schedule will save you from too much torment.

But hey. There's a column to get to, so what do you say to getting this party started?

I'm sorry what was that? Oh, no, we don't allow whips here, but you can still wear the chaps. I don't mind.

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.


BEHIND THE 'ZINES -- REALITY CHECK

"What are you doing?"

Brandon stopped typing and blinked at the computer screen twice. He moved his gaze upwards slowly and he found himself staring into the eyes of Amy Johnson. She was smiling coyly, head resting on an arm, resting on the computer monitor.

"You aren't supposed to be here," Brandon told her.

"Really? Why?"

Brandon blinked again, "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because... um... now, how can I word this... oh right. You're dead."

Amy rolled her eyes, "Well, then someone obviously has some issues."

"Or maybe someone hasn't slept in over 48 hours and needs more sleep," Brandon retorted, moving his mouse to click on save.

"No, no, it's not that," Amy smiled, touching Brandon's nose, "You're still in love with me."

"I can't still be in love with you, because you died right after I figured out that I liked you," Brandon dismissed, shutting the monitor of his computer off, "There was no love, just... just the potential for it."

"So what you're saying is, you haven't slept since I died, and you keep on seeing me because you still want the chance?"

Brandon scrunched up his face just as the inside of his head exploded.

"God, if you're there, I'm thinking I liked my life better when the biggest thing I had on my mind was the sickening shortness of Darren Jess' really short boxer shorts..."


TOASTED!NEWS BOXERS –
Live from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted!News Boxers, your source for all the news thought interesting enough to post n' such.

ITEM!Geoff Johns popped out some tidbits about some of his upcoming DC comic book plans...


  • A story arc upcoming in Teen Titans will be titled “Titan’s Tomorrow” which involves the Titans meeting their future selves. The arc will start out with Tim Drake as Batman fighting against the daughter of Joker.
  • Early next year, Johns' will reveal the long awaited origin of Power Girl.
  • Eventually, the Teen Titans and the Outsiders will cross paths.
  • Donna Troy will come back. “Check Teen Titans #14,” Johns said.


ITEM! Three issues of I Can’t Believe its Not Justice League have been turned in so far, but the actual solicit month still has not been determined. Although, it is said that the story might be placed in the anthology-type story arc title JLA Classified, a series that is going to debut with an arc penned by Grant Morrison, with Ed McGuinness on art.

ITEM!Judd Winnick will be taking over Batman after "Wargames" as a permanent writer, while Peter Milligan will be taking the X-Men reins over from Chuck Austen.

ITEM! The next two issues of Fables will go on to a World War II adventure then it will go back to a year in Fable Town. Then it will move on to some spotlight characters off stage and Jack will go to Hollywood.

ITEM! Brian Azzarello will be going a VERY violent comic called Loveless. It will be a western tale during the reconstruction after the Civil War. Also, Azzarello has renewed his exclusive DC contract for 3 more years.

ITEM! In Superman news, the Brain Azzarello/Jim Lee arc that is currently ongoing in Superman takes place on year in advance from all other stories currently running. Also, Jeph Loeb will be off of Superman/Batman as of issue #25.

ITEM! Ed Brubaker will be taking over Captain America as of November, along with Steve Epting.

ITEM! Galactus is coming back in the pages of the FF, choosing a new herald in issue #520.

ITEM! Allan Heinberg, the writer of TV’s The O. C. is going to be writing a very new, very secretive title called Young Avengers, which is said to be like Teen Titans, but not.

ITEM! In November, Warren Ellis will be taking over Iron Man with Adi Granov producing amazing computer generated art for the interiors.

ITEM! Many much new titles are coming in November, including a Robert Kirkman penned Marvel Team-Up, a new ongoing Busiek and Nizera penned Thunderbolts series, and an Avengers Finale story, a la the last episode of M*A*S*H. Black Panther is supposedly coming back early next year.

ITEM! Joe Kelly will be doing a Space Ghost title that will run six issues, and go into the origin of Space Ghost and his villains, beginning in November.

ITEM! Both Robert Kirkman and Warren Ellis are exclusive to Marvel for two years, though both are still able to continue with side projects, such as Invincible and Planetary.

ITEM! Marvel and DreamWave have signed a deal together that will see Pat Lee doing some covers for Marvel and a Fantastic Four/X-Men crossover title made by the DreamWave studio.


BEHIND THE 'ZINES – ETERNAL PANTSLESSNESS OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

"Hey Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn-doooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!"

Brandon bristled as he looked up from the computer screen and towards the door. Darren Clarke was standing in the entranceway, grinning like an idiot, pants down to his ankles.

"Guess what I'm doing, buddy," he said, shuffling his way into the room.

Brandon looked over top of his glasses with disapproval and muttered, "I'd put money on 'annoying the living crap out of your boss'."

"Dude," Darren laughed, "You have to think less lateral and more invertational. You know what I'm saying?"

"You don't even know what you're saying."

"Good point. Listen. I think I've been working hard lately..."

Brandon made an all-to-quickly-failed attempt to stifle his laughter.

"So, I was wondering if it would be okay if I took the afternoon off. Me and Sudsie are going to hit Craig's party."

"Craig's having a party?"

"Craig is having a party," Darren restated, "Big ol' bash to celebrate not being the news monkey king anymore. Says he's inviting over a bunch of super-freakin' hot womens to work our mojo on."

Brandon smiled and leaned back in his chair, "So wait. Lemme get this straight. A mute, a midget and a guy with no pants are going to get drunk and hit on whatever women a man with a stature smaller than my knee can bring in."

"Hey, it just so happens that women find midgets to be very attractive," Darren said, shrugging his shoulders, "Especially when they're dressed in one of those really tiny housecoats while they carry around a martini."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time I need a woman," Brandon muttered sullenly before sighing, "Okay. You can go to whatever Craig is doing. Just... explain to me exactly why you feel the need to be pantsless now?"

"Practice, man," Darren explained, "I need to be able to function like this while I'm drunk and surrounded by many much beautiful women."

"Oh of course," Brandon muttered, leaning back forward to look at the computer screen, "Have fun. And Darren?"

"Yes?"

"Congratulations on the longer boxers. The whole office appreciates it."


BURNT TOAST

And with that, another edition of toasted.zine is done. Want more? Well, you can check out the exclusive variant edition of this issue on Still on the Shelf when it pops up on this coming Monday to see if its got any added tidbits (which, really, it will... it's just a matter of what). Then, check out an all new edition of toasted.zine on this very site two weeks from this date (august 10th, 2004).

Until next time...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.

All characters, titles, and etc. are owned and © their respective publishers and creators- the author and StillontheShelf.com makes no claim towards them. This column is intended as a satire only. Toasted!zone is © Brandon Schatz. Please report any broken links!