toasted.zine

VOLUME 02 – ISSUE 19

It's a new logo and a new flavor for toasted.zine starting this week. Inside this edition, you'll see all kinds of wicked new hotness, including the devilishly handsome new logo, and a new way of splitting up the features. Also, the regulars. mini ends here, making way for the new season (I am entirely not jinxing this by saying when that will be) of behind the zines. So, what're you waiting around here for? Get yo' read on *cough*.

And as always...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.

THE ULTRA SAUCY NEW ADVENTURES OF THE XXX-MEN

So I'm at the comic shop the other day, and my comic shop guy and I begin conversing, and he says to me, "Chuck Austen got his start at comic writing by writing pornographic comic books."

I says, "Really?"

And he says, "Yeah," turns around, digs through a stack, and pulls out one of said comics.

"You always keep that handy?" I says to him.

"It comes in handy for explaining why Chuck Austen's comics are the way they are," he says.

Come to think of it, stories aren't good in them adult films either. And it does explain his seemingly loose concept of romance...

Hmm. Hmmm...

Well, we might not have to think about that for too much longer, as according to the rumor mill Chuck has quit the X-Men gig as of #170.

But don't get your hopes up. It is only a rumor.

But hey, if it helps, Mark Millar (when replying to a question regarding his upcoming Wolverine plots) posted on MillarWorld:

"PS I'm not the new X-Men writer before anyone asks."

SECRET MESSAGES IN YOUR PREVIEWS

So, Robert Kirkman has eleven comics coming out in September. Odd that he has so much time on his hands? Well, personally, I don't think he has the intentions on writing any of them. I think Image and Marvel are pooling their efforts to alert the world at large to a massive conspiracy. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at them titles of Kirkman's...

Invincible Walking Dead Mutant Super Patriots and Savage Dragons are Punisher uh... Punishering [d]Daredevils[/b] and Black Panthers in a Jubilee.

Coincidence? Most definitely. But if you're crazy enough to believe it, the more power to you.

WAIT A TIC, SMART GUY. WHAT ABOUT CAPTAIN AMERICA? WHY DOESN'T IT FIT INTO YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY?

Oh, come on. Everyone knows the only reason he's on that title is because he's Brian Michael Bendis' good buddy, and as such, he'll stick with Bendis' big Avenger plans. You can't Conspiracy Theorize that. Ya' punk.

REGULARS – THE GWEN STACY THEORY

PART THREE OF THREE – TRUE STORY. SWEAR TO SATAN.

Every person has their own Gwen Stacy. It's the person that they had to let go before they had the chance to live their future together, and maybe... eventually... if given the chance... find love with...

"Oh my God," Toby muttered pointing at the new arrival in the comic shop, "What the heck is she doing here?"

Moments ago, Conner, the in-the-closet comic shop regular had brought in his girlfriend as proof that he did indeed have one, for free comic books. Naturally, Conner thought that this would be a quick process. Obviously, since she was from another "world" than the comic geeks, she wouldn't know or care about them, and they wouldn't care about her.

He would get his free comics, and then he would leave. After that, he would deal with the fallout of his girlfriend discovering his comic book fetish.

But plans don't always go smoothly.

The girl crinkled her nose at Toby.

"Well. I see you still work in this poor excuse for a comic shop," she growled.

Conner did a double take, "Wait a sec... you two know each other?"

He looked incredulously at his girlfriend, "And you've been in a comic shop?"

"It was a long time ago," she snarled, "Back when I was young and immature."

"Oh, please, we were both twenty." Toby growled, "And I own this store. Of course I still work here you bi-"

"Oh-kay," Brandon said, raising his arms, "Obviously, there's some tension that we could do without here, so howsabout we all just calm down and get... whatever this dare or bet is over with so that you can all separte yourselves and—"

"Like hizz-ell that's happenin', bro!" Brian grinned, "A brothah' has tah get some entertainment somehow. Tell us, girl. What did the big bad comic shop guy do to you?"

"What did I do to her? More like what did she do to me," Toby snarled viciously.

Taylor grabbed Toby's arm, "All right there, moody comic geek. Don't get your Captain America underoos get in a bunch."

Toby maintained an angry glare with Conner's girlfriend, while Conner continued to leave his jaw upon the ground.

"You know... as a comic shop owner, I have to put up with a lot of stuff," Toby said, "I got some tool of a comic book reader coming in every week, telling us that we aren't cool enough for everyone else, and I have some guy who uses slang that I can't understand while he pretends to urinate on the comic books I sell, and I have people who come in and buy things like Excalibur while they leave titles like Sleeper on the shelf. And yeah. It makes me a little angry, but all that stuff is just part and parcel with the comic shop.

"But... some things you just can't ignore easily," he concluded.

The girl glared at him, "If you're going to blame this all on me, you got something else coming to you, Toby, because it takes two to break up a relationship."

"You dated him!" Conner yelled, pointing frantically.

"Conner, calm down," Toby said, "It was a long time ago and it certainly isn't threatening to go back on again."

"Aw, snap, someone gets me a bag o' popcorn, this stuffs getting some kind of interesting," Brian smiled, "Tell us what happened between you. Was this a hump n' dump, or something serious?"

Toby scrunched his face at Brian.

"It was serious."

"Please," she stated, "All we did was argue about comic books and flirt a little."

"For two years," Toby added, "And then you just... up and stopped coming. Went to college and decided that comics were too immature for you."

"Well, come on Toby. I mean... who really cares about stupid things like... like superhero deaths and all that stupid stuff," she snarled.

Toby shook his head, "God, I just... I don't get people like you and Conner. You just... stand there and pass your stupid judgments, and you don't even attempt to take the time to just... dig enough to figure out why we comic book geeks argue about the things we do.

"It's not just some immature little thing we do to pass the time."

"Well then please, Toby," the girl challenged, "Explain it to me."

Toby opened his mouth and closed it again. Try as he might, he couldn't find the words to tell her. But he just knew in his mind, that he was right, and he just knew that...

"It's a commentary on life," Taylor said.

"Excuse me?" the girl snarled.

"The arguing. About... all the comic book stuff, like who is stronger and the deaths and all of that," Taylor continued, "It's all our way on... dealing with real life on the side. We don't come right out and talk about death. That's too depressing."

"Yo, even for you, gothic girl?" Brian questioned.

"Shut up Brian," Toby said quickly.

"If you take Superman, and start to argue about his death, and whether it actually means something, you're just... really arguing your view on life. If you think it meant something, than you obviously think death has a meaning in life, and if you didn't, well, obviously, your views on death are different.

"I mean... I see death as being the meaning of life. Without it, time is completely meaningless and the great moments you experience, and I see Superman's death as having meaning. It makes all the things he did so much more incredible."

"But he came back. That completely negates your argument," Toby said.

"Look, its not that he came back, it's that he died. It's showing everyone that everyone is human. Even the most inhumanly super powered die, and someday, you are too, and then there won't be any Superman or Spider-Man or Wolverine or Batman. They'll be gone for real."

The entire comic shop blinked.

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard," the girl said, "This place is nuts, Conner. Let's go."

"But, my comi—"

"I said, let's go," she snarled.

Conner looked at his girlfriend, and then looked at Toby, and then looked back at his girlfriend.

He sighed.

Every person has their own Gwen Stacy. It's the person that they had to let go before they had the chance to live their future together, and maybe... eventually... if given the chance... find love with...

"I'm coming," he said, "Don't, uh... don't hold those comics for me, Tobes."

"Pff. Whatever, man," Toby casted off, "I hope you two will be happy with each other."

"We will be," she snapped.

And they both left.

"God. Can you believe some people?" Toby questioned, "I mean... why can't people just be normal. You can't just... be all about comics and... and... just... pretend to hate them a second later. It's just... it doesn't make any sense!"

"Toby, what are you, stupid?" Taylor asked, "Did you see those two? It's obvious that they're perfect for each other. They both enjoying loving to pretend to hat the same thing."

"But, she shouldn't! I mean, we used to be so close and everything, and-"

"You can't change her, Toby," Taylor explained, "And you can't change the past. The only thing you can do is just... look in front of you for a second and... and see what you have now."

Brandon swallowed as a lump began to grow in his throat as Toby and Taylor just kind of looked at each other.

"Yo', dawg, maybe we should hit the bizzich, you know?" Brian whispered to him.

Every person has their own Gwen Stacy. It's the person that they had to let go before they had the chance to live their future together, and maybe... eventually... if given the chance... find love with...

"If that means leave, then I'm all for it," Brandon muttered almost sullenly.

They both left.

"Look, Toby, I don't know if you noticed, but... that girl right there? She and you did the same things you and me do now and... you're still dwelling on her."

"I... I know that, it's just... you don't understand. I thought she might be that person, you know? That one you just love and spend the rest of your life with, and then she changed. And then, you came into my shop and you started doing all the things she did and... I don't know. It's almost like I'm going to make the same mistakes again, and..."

Taylor smiled a bit.

"You're funny, you know that?"

"What?"

"You think that her leaving was your fault. You weren't the one who changed. She did."

"But she didn't have to, you know?" Toby said, "I could've done something or..."

"Look. I know it's sappy and stuff, but I like you," she said to him, "And... I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. So... if you can get over... all your stuff... I'll be here."

Toby kind of stood there.

"Just so you know."

Every person has their own Gwen Stacy. It's the person that they had to let go before they had the chance to live their future together, and maybe... eventually... if given the chance... find love with...

Toby smiled.

The End.


BURNT

Well that wraps things up for this week. If all goes to plan toasted.zine should be coming at you more often (I'd say how often, but whenever I do, bad things happen).

For those of you wondering about my sporadity, it all stems from the recent prom I attended yesterday. Just so you know, she was absolutely beautiful and stunning in her dress, but that wasn't much of a surprise. Now, I've stopped planning and agonizing over that event, and I'm all about getting toasted. out as often as I can.

Just so you know.

Until next time...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.