Dangit, Blake, what have I told you about waking me up when I'm nappi—wait, what? Two weeks? It has not been two weeks since I posted a column, I was just taking a little nap and—ho-lee crap, it has been two weeks. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, uhh... just lemme get some pants one, one sec... tell the folks I'll be right there...

Toasted!Zine
VOLUME 02 – ISSUE 18
by brandon schatz

Well, yes it has been a while since the last edition of toasted! and I'd be lying if I told you I did everything in my power to get one out during that time. Truth be told, I was very preoccupied with various aspects of my life outside of comiXtreme, and truth be told, I still am. I promise to tell you all about it next week.

But for now, finally, we can get on with this column and such, even though it's a little more abbreviated than I would've originally liked it to be. Read on my attempt at normalcy schedule-wise, and as always...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.



regulars: the gwen stacy syndrome

[part two of three: death and maidens]

"No way. There is no way you can tell me that death in comics actually means something. It's like... it's like Jennifer Lopez getting married or something. You know that eventually, even though it's happened, it's going to be reversed in a little while anyway," Toby spouted, busily shuffling through the stack of newly arrived comics, sorting them into the eagerly awaiting files.

Taylor leaned against the counter and in a monotonously creepy voice stated, "Sweet naïve Toby, you are so very blind to the obvious."

"Well then explain to me, creepy goth girl, how Superman's death actually meant something, because really, I'd like to know."

Taylor opened her mouth to respond.

"And you can't use money as a reason either," Toby said, pointing accusingly.

"If 'The Great One' would give me a chance to speak, maybe he'd learn," Taylor smiled coldly.

Toby extended his arm out as if to say 'go on'. Taylor did.

"Obviously, comic book characters are fictional. Their deaths are, for the most part, frivolous because of this reason, really."

"See? Meaningless!" Toby stated victoriously, "All they exist for is a quick buck from kids who collect 'milestones' and stuff like that."

"I said, for the most part, loser," Taylor taunted, "Comic characters are fictional, and sometimes, everyone forgets that. The people see all these supermen going around saving the world, and for the moments between the pages, they believe it too. Aliens do come to earth and become Supermen and they do save the world, and gangly teens are bitten by radioactive spiders and they go out and do miraculous things, and since people are so easily sucked into this belief, they need to be reminded of aspects of humanity.

"Everyone dies, and if people forgot that, the world would be one crazy effed up place."

"That's your argument? Please," Toby casted off, "People die every day. No one needs to be reminded of that, especially in a comic book. They want to escape all the crap that's in the world, not run into it when they're reading a comic."

Taylor pushed herself off of the counter, "Pff. Whatever you want to think, that's your loss."

"I'm going to chalk that up as one for me," Toby said, grinning.

"Oh, this entirely not over yet, Comic Boy," Taylor warned playfully.

"You know, I thought goth chicks weren't allowed to flirt with anyone," Toby teased, "It's like, against the will of the devil or something, isn't it?"

"I'm not flirting with you and I don't worship the devil," Taylor grumbled with some annoyance, "There's a difference between goth and devil worship."

"Note to self: she's more annoyed with the goth comment," Toby laughed, grabbing a stack of comics and walking over to the counter, "Here's your cavalcade of death and depression for this week."

"He bruises like a peach, remember he bruises like a peach," Taylor whispered loud enough for Toby to hear.

Da-ding-ding.

"Hey Toby. Got the comics sorted yet?"

"Just finished them, Brandon," Toby explained, "You got quite the stack this week. The re-orders came in."

"Just stalking up before college," Brandon explained, walking to the counter. He paused and looked at Toby (who was going to grab Brandon's comics) and then glanced at Taylor who was going through her pile. Both of them were silent.

"Well, that's different."

"Well what's different?" Toby asked, returning to the counter with the stack.

"You two. You're being quiet," Brandon shrugged, "Normally, you two are all over each other, teasing and whatnot."

"We are not," Toby and Taylor stated in tandem.

"Ho-kay," Brandon muttered, throwing his arms up in a 'don't shoot the messenger' kind of way, "You don't."

Toby plopped the stack ruefully on the table.

"So... uh... what were you guys talking about then?" Brandon asked, "Because you were talking when I came in."

"They was just talkin' about that girl of yours," Brian announced, emerging from the back area of the shop, "Your Gwen Stacy or somethin'. You know, that fine Amy chick."

"Way to be insensitive, Brian," Taylor snapped.

"It's B-Snatchin' to you..."

"Brian, I thought you had gone to the bathroom," Toby stated incredulously.

"I did."

"Then why are you still in the store? You know there isn't a bathroom here."

"Then whiz-eye do you have that stack of Chuck Austen comics back therezzle?" Brian asked.

"To sell. Against all things that are good in this universe, some people insist on getting them," Toby said, "Don't tell me you-"

"Sorry dude."

"God!" Toby yelled, running towards the back area of the store.

Brain grinned, "Boy, T-Dog sh-owre be gullzible to-dizzle."

"Uh yeah, great," Brandon muttered, "Back to the part about you talking about Amy..."

"We were talking about Amy when Brian left to ... do whatever," Taylor stated, sounding apologetic, "We've gotten caught up in this whole 'Gwen Stacy syndrome' conversation about death in comic books and somehow you and her got mixed in there. We didn't mean it like gossip or anything. We were just waiting for that Conner kid to bring his imaginary girlfriend here."

"I say Pimp Daddy Con' don' show, know what I'm sayan'?" Brain announced.

"No one ever knows what you're 'sayan', you bugger," Toby said, punching Brian in the arm hard, "Don't ever do that to me again. I mean, it's not like they don't deserve to be whizzed on or anything, it's just, I do run a business here..."

"Wait, what does Conner and his girlfriend have to do with me and Amy?" Brandon asked.

"Nothing," Toby shrugged.

"Then... why are you still talking about it? It's been two weeks, and frankly, I've moved on," Brandon muttered.

"You've moved on?" Taylor raised her eyebrows, "It's only been two weeks."

"You see? This kid reads comics," Toby pointed, "And his vision of death is meaningless because that's what he's reading."

"Oh, come off it, Toby," Taylor growled, "It just hasn't fully registered with him yet. It's not like he's experienced the world or anything and lost anyone else in his short little life."

"First, my half brother died when I was eleven. I was depressed for a year," Brandon growled, "And second, I'd like the both of you to stop putting words into my mouth."

Toby and Taylor stopped yelling at each other and looks of ignominy appeared on their faces.

"Look, I don't know what exactly is going on between you two, but seriously. Get over it. Don't drag me into your stupid battles, and... and... and... wait... why would say 'it's only been two weeks'? Did you.... did you guys know about?"

"About her liking you? Yeah," Toby said, "We just weren't sure about you liking her or anything. And we started talking about the whole 'Gwen Stacy Syndrome', with the whole... loss of someone you could've spent the uh... the..."

"The rest of your life with?" Brandon muttered.

Toby pointed at Brandon awkwardly, "That's the one."

Brandon laughed slightly and shook his head a bit.

"Look, guys. If you really want to know... yes, I knew about her liking me and everything, and... well, yeah it really stings when I think about what could've been, but... if we keep on dwelling on the past and stuff, it's just going to come around to bite us in the butt at the end when we waste our lives just... wondering and not knowing, you know?"

Toby blinked.

"Wow. Sounds like you've thought this through," he said.

"Yeah, it does," Brandon muttered, "Truth is, I got that advice from Andrea Speed."

"The lumberjack?"

"The very same," Brandon muttered, "For some reason, she's knows a lot about all the stuff that guys feel and stuff, and has a way to translate them into words and stuff. It's like, she's this guy who has the reasoning skills of a woman or something. Anyway, truth be told, I'm still trying to convince myself of that. The whole 'letting go' thing. It's not working yet."

"Sorry to hear that, guy," Toby said, "I mean... it's gotta' be hard and stuff, right?"

"What?" Brandon said, producing a forced smile, "You haven't lost someone you wish you had more time to spend with?"

Toby gave a little half smile.

"Well, actually..."

Da-ding-ding.

"Okay, geeks, I'm going to make this short and sweet because I don't want you buggers scaring her off with your... geekardly ways," Conner stated, breezing towards the group at the counter.

He pointed at Toby, "You, no trying to force any Captain Marvel on her."

He pointed at Brandon, "You, none of your girly Sentinel crap."

He pointed at Taylor, "You, don't... kill her."

He pointed at Brian, "And you... none of that imitation talking of yours. Everybody got that? Great!"

Conner paused to take a deep breath.

"I'm warning you all," he said, pointing again.

"We heard you the first time," Taylor stated blandly, "Now where's this fictional girl of yours? Let's get on with the show!"

Conner breathed out deep again, and trodded towards the door. He opened it.

"It's safe to come in now," he muttered to the outside.

Two seconds later, someone walked through the door.

"Oh my God..." Toby muttered.

To Be Continued...

next week: The conclusion to 'regulars' and actual column features. Sorry for the abbreviated column. Again, all will be explained next week. Until then...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.