Toasted!Zine – MAY 18/2004

VOLUME 02 – ISSUE 17

by brandon schatz

comic shop hopping.

for comics released on may 19/2004

[*]Daredevil #60 – Marvel/Marvel Knights – ($2.99 US/$4.25 Can.)

Normally, I don't have much to say about the art on any given title in comparison to my opinions on writing, but sweet sassy molassy, I can not say enough about Maleev's crazy wonderful art. It can wax poetic in quiet moments, it can smack you around during an action sequence, and all the while, it maintains a beautiful juxtaposition of grit and clarity. I love it.

Oh. And Bendis does an awesome job with taking all the crap he's dumped upon good ol' Matt Murdock, and making it into crappe.

Kudos all around.

[*] Seaguy #1 (of 3) – DC/Vertigo – ($2.95 US/$4.50 Can.)

Grant Morrison is a wily old chap, really. Just when you think that he couldn't possibly think up of anything else to blow your mind out of the water, he does it again. Seaguy is definitely not your daddy's comic. In fact, if your daddy caught you reading this comic, he'd probably scoop it up, shake his head, and ask you why you aren't looking at the 'girly magazines' instead, like all of the other lonely boys.

Complete with a beard-clad warrior woman who reminds me a lot of our very own lumberjack queen Andrea Speed, a crazy phenominom called Xoo, and a bunch of walking eyeballs and talking fish, this story has all the makings of the funnest (yes, I said it) story anybody's going to read all year. Plus, Cameron Stuart's fittingly cartoony pictures just seal the deal on this wacked out masterpiece.

Yes, kids, it's a good week for comics reading.

[*]Spider-Girl #74 – Marvel/MC2/Marvel Age/On Its Way Out Because of Amazing Freakin' Fantasy – ($2.99 US/$4.25 Can.)

Well, Tom DeFalco is finally getting his groove back with this title, and all I can say is "thank god!" Marvel obviously has no intensions of going on with this title without him (even though a new take would be very welcomed), so it's good that the stories are finally getting more interesting. I mean, for the first time in forever on this title, I have no idea where it is going with a storyline, which is always a treat.

Also, Pat Olliffe's work once again graces the title, and I sincerely wish that's he'd take Ron Frenz' place forever, because although Ron draws a good superhero, his normal people are just too... strange and angled for my tastings. But that's just me.

[*]Runaways #15 – Marvel/Tsunami/Marvel Age – ($2.99 US/$4.75 Can.)

You need to buy this book. Sure, it'll probably come out with it's entire run via them crazy little digests, but those are edited to be more 'kid friendly' and the dialog that is changed (even though the phrases aren't all that nasty to begin with) make things sound... more forced than Vaughan's normal (and very smooth) dialog is. But I digress.

I'm happy with this title. Deliriously so. It is entirely unpredictable, it features eighteen very original characters, and the air of mystery and betrayal that's in the air makes things just feel so much more interesting. Buy this title, and buy it now!

Behind the 'Zine's will return with its second season premiere on June 15th, 2004. Until then, you can re-read and love the Season One Finalé that went up on Saturday, and enjoy the psudo-spinoff that's coming up for you. Thanks.

regulars: the gwen stacy syndrome

episode one (of three) – the wednesday stereotypes.

"And here is your stash."

Brandon grabbed the stack of eight comics and shuffled through them.

"Thanks, Toby," he mumbled disheartened, "I think that'll be it for this week."

"Okay, man, what's wrong?" Toby asked suspiciously as he began to ring the comics up, "You have a Runaways and a Daredevil and you're not screaming like an excited little girl."

"Life hasn't been all that nice to me lately," Brandon explained, "One of the interns who helped me on my column passed away this week."

"Oh really, man?" Toby winced, "That's not cool."

"No, not really."

"Tell you what. The comics are on me this week," Toby said, canceling the transaction. He grabbed the comics and slid them into the bag, "Sounds like you've had yourself a pretty rough week."

"Thanks, Tobes," Brandon muttered, smiling weakly.

"Don't mention it. Say, you wouldn't mind telling me which one it was, would you?"

Brandon scooped up the bag and began to walk slowly towards the door, "It was Amy."

Toby scrunched up his face, "Oooh. Sorry to hear it, man."

The comic shop door flew open with a "ding-a-ding-a".

"Wha'sup, mah brothahs!" an overly white guy decked out in a loose fitting silky sports jersey and big metal chains yelled with zeal.

"Last I heard, white guys who pretended to be black weren't 'all that', Brian," Brandon uttered as he walked out the door.

"Yo, first of all, foo', it's B-Snatchin', not Bri-Bri," Brian yelled out the door, "And second... you ain' listenin' to me no more... is ya'.

"Pffft. Scratch that nmoise, yo'," he muttered as he pimp walked up to the counter, "All I do is try to greet a brothah' and all he does is get up in mah grill. I don' need that bounce."

"Just so you know – uh... 'B-Snatchin' – one of Brandon's interns died this week," Toby explained, pulling Brian's comics out of their long box, "I personally don't blame him for being a little... bouncy."

Brian's cartoony attitude faded slightly, "For reals? Not the hot white chick."

"Yes, the 'hot white chick'."

"Oooh. That's too bad. She had a fine booty for a white chick."

"Well, you wouldn't've ever had a chance with her," Toby grinned, plopping down a sizable stack of comics on the counter, "She was entirely into Brandon."

"Why you be thinkin' that>" Toby asked, grinning at the sight of Busty Booty Cruw #4 sitting proudly atop his stack.

"I'm a comic shop guy," Toby explained, "I have this innate ability to figure out anything about anyone about their purchases."

"Anything?"

"Pretty much."

"Do I wear boxers, or briefs."

"Sadly, neither."

Brian blinked, "Wow. That is off the hiznet."

"It's both a gift and a curse," Toby shrugged.

"So, do you think B-Rad knew 'bout it?"

"About you being commando? I hope not. Although I wouldn't blame him for being sad about that..." Toby stated, "But about that Amy thing? I'm not sure. I'll have to see if he develops The Gwen Stacy Syndrome."

"The Gwen Stacy Syndrome?"

Ding-a-ding-a.

"In laymen terms, it’s a case where a person becomes so distraught with what could've been, they constantly regress into states of remembrance," the new arrival explained in a plain monotonous voice, "Every year or so, it shows up in one or two Spider-Man comics, dredging up the girl that could be Mary Jane, and comic geeks, being the lonely 'self-loving' people they are, translate it into their love life.

"So. Who are we talking about?"

"Brandon. Amy died," Toby stated.

"Lucky," she muttered, trodding up to the counter.

"Taylor, if you really were into all the goth crap as much as you think you are, you'd have actually killed yourself already, so you don't have to put on the show for us," Toby muttered, grabbing her stack down.

"Maybe I'm just sticking around to save you from this society of monotony," she uttered casually, leaning against the counter.

"If you sayin' I be boring, than there's something gone whack in your head, bi-"

"Brian-"

"That's B-Snatchin' to you."

"Brian, if you don't take all of this... whatever you're calling this attention seeking MTV creation away from me, I'm going to take off one of my boots and shove it right up your 'bling'."

"I'll be over there," Brian pointed, grabbing his copy of Busty Booty Cruw and walking ten steps to the left."

Toby plopped the stack down in from of her.

"I don't think anyone dies this week, Taylor, so you can save the self righteous speech for some other day," Toby told her, obviously dangling bait.

"You know I'm right about it," Taylor, mumbled.

Ding-a-ding-a.

"Oh, you two, get a room," Conner announced, breezing his way through the door, "There's enough geek love in here to choke me now without you two flirting my lunch out of me."

"We were not flirting," Taylor stated angrily.

"Hey Conner. You want your comics or not?" Toby smiled and stated through gritted teeth.

"Oh yeah. Like those little outbursts of 'stop pointing at me' are going to convince me otherwise," he grinned slyly, "You know, we comic freaks have a hard enough time. We don't need inter-breeding."

"Yo Tay-lizzle. Why ain' chu be threatening this cracker with a boot?"

"I'm getting on it," she growled.

"Look, freaks, I don't have much time to waste here," he grinned, sliding up to the counter, "Could you just grab my stash and let me go? I've got a girl to meet and I don't want to be late."

"You? Have a girl?" Toby asked with sarcastic awe, "So you finally found someone who hated themselves enough to date you."

"Wait, wait. I'm hearing something," Conner began to sing, "Dum-diddle-dum-diddle-dum-diddle Dateless Won-DER! Dum-diddle-dum-diddle-dum-diddle-dum-diddle-dum, he doesn't have a date!"

"Wow. Clever," Toby stated, "The Lone Ranger theme song?"

"The very same, slow poke. Stack. Grab. NOW!"

Taylor narrowed her eyes, "I don't believe you for one second."

"Excuse me?" Conner raised an eyebrow.

"You don't have a girl," Taylor snarled, "No one would risk being seen with such a tool of conformity."

"Maybe in your world, Goth Barbie," Conner grumbled, "But in the real world, you have to assimilate to survive. No one likes freaks."

"You haven't told her you read comic books, have you?" Toby asked snidely, pulling Conner's comics out, "I'm sure she'd be real impressed with... what's this you have this week? Galactic Guy?"

"First, Dieter Pavid is a German genius and second, she doesn't need to know," Conner told them, "Some people date freakin' gay people, and some even marry them, and no one ever knows it. Like take that Jennifer Lopez chick. Obviously, Ben Affleck is all about that Matt Damon tool he's always screwing around with, but she was right ready to marry the guy."

"Brothah's got a point," Brian announced.

Taylor and Toby glared at him.

"...said Nubile Lass to Endowment Dude," Brain continued awkwardly. He pointed at the comic, "Great read, yo'."

"Look, time's a tickin' kiddies..."

"That's $20.97," Toby muttered.

"Really? God, I only have, like, thirty dollars on me. I'm not going to have enough for my date. Could you cut me some slack on the price, man?"

Toby laughed, "You're kidding me, right?"

"Come on, man. Hook me up!" Conner demanded, "Hell, if you do this for me, I can hook you up with my girl's hot sister. What do you say?"

"It appears that we're at a crossroads," Toby smiled, "Comic books, or 'the real world'. What's it gonna' be?"

Taylor twisted her sullen face into a conniving grin, "Hey Conner. I'll tell you what. I'll pay for your comics this week."

"You'll what?" Toby exclaimed.

"You'll what?" Conner echoed.

"Wizzy wha?" Brian garbled.

"You heard me. I'll pay for your comics this week," she smiled, "But you have to bring your girlfriend here."

Conner blinked with horror. Then grinned slyly," Okay. It's a deal."

"...but, you aren't getting your stack until she sets foot in this shop," Taylor stipulated.

"Wait, hey, no fair, changing the rules like that on me," Conner accused.

"Well, it's too late to back out now," Toby grinned," The comics are going back until we all see this mystery girl."

"You people," Conner fumed, "This isn't... you can't..."

"Is tomorrow good for you?" Taylor asked rhetorically.

Conner's face grew red.

"Fine," he muttered, "I'll be here tomorrow."

"Well, this should be entertaining," Toby grinned.

to be continued...

later...

Toasted!News Boxers returns with all the news you've already heard, and a whole lot more as the format is tweak slightly (well, how couldn't it be?) and trotted out for your approval.

Comic Shop Hopping is also on tap, complete with a brand spankin' new RECAP feature, that explains what went on in previous issues of the comic, as well as a bit of what occurs in the current edition. I call it evolution.

Also, who's going to be helping out with the column now that Amy is gone?

And is Marvel using Chuck Austen to purposely make fans all riled up and angry?

And since when did this end feature become a facsimile of the end of a cliffhangery seventies style soap opera?

Find out the answers to these... and more! Next week...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.