Toasted!Zine – May 05/2004
VOLUME II – ISSUE XIV

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello

One of these days, I'm going to take something very large, and swat the person who runs the stupid Telus internet with it. Do you think my internet has worked at ALL when I first try to sign on? No. It takes a good half an hour for it to kick in. The only thing the techies at Telus can come up with?

"Oh, well I don't know. Does the internet work when you sign in?"

Uh, no buddy. I just told you that.

"Huh. Well, it could be on our end. We're changing a few things around. Is it working now?"

Obviously not, ya big tub of mutton. (No, I didn't actually call him mutton... the guy apparently does control my internet intake, and I am a big addict.)

Needless to say my week's been not to par as a result. But hey. I have a nice big Toasted!Zine coming up for you, so it can only get better, right?

Inside Toasted News Boxers there's some news of the return of Brian Michael Bendis' Alias (whaa???), and a bunch more stuff that'll leave you going crazy go nuts, as well as the very much ballyhooed Super Blake VS. The Pirates play.

A warning right now, it's about the goofiest thing I've ever written, including the weird "Superman" thing that "Meagan Clarke" wrote a while back.

Also, try and find the little things that'll lead to a character death in this very column (the only column in the history of comic book columns to actually have a character death, I believe...). The free cookie is still on the table for those of you who can figure out who dies, who kills, and why it all goes down.

But don't let it ruin the little psudo-revelation of this issue. It's a gooder, and'll provide for some bang for the coming weeks.

Now. Onwards to this week's gauntlet of stuff!

And as always... stay lightly toasted!

Toasted!News Boxers
Broadcasting across the world from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted!News Boxers with Amy Johnson and Brandon Schatz

brandon: DC has provided me with a reminder of why I don't read very many Batman titles (and has also given me a reason to drop Robin), with the announcement of the upcoming Batman mega crossover "War Games", which will cross-over into all the Bat titles, and will begin it's 25 part story with a twelve cent issue.

Amy: At the very least, it'll be way better than the big Bendis-continuity thing Marvel is doing by tying Avengers to Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Spectacular Spider-Man, and The Pulse, which itself will tie to Secret Wars and Daredevil.

Well, if at the very least Bendis isn't lying about the return of Alias to the MAX line of comics, by one-shots and mini-series, I'll be content with just ignoring the rest of what he's doing. Minus Daredevil. It gets to stay.

brandon: Fables will be flashing back to World War II this summer, in a story that is supposed to include Frankenstein.

Yes, this confuses me too.

Amy: Maybe you should actually read good titles like Fables instead of eating everything under the Marvel sun?

brandon: And maybe you need to tone down the sass this week.

Amy: Can we just get this overwith...

brandon: In CrossGen news, things aren't so shiny. Greg Land is now gone from the company, as is Matt Ryan and Tom Ryder. Epting, Pelletier and Cheung are going to finish up whatever arc they're doing on whatever books their doing, and are going to split... sooner if they aren't paid. Laura Martin has quit her freelance coloring assignment on "The War", and Mark Alessi is apparently yelling at people, which is reportedly why Randy Martin (working in production) walked away this week.

And if Abadazad doesn't finish, I'm going to be one sad panda myself, so hey! Support CrossGen NOW by buying many much copies of whatever is popping up on the shelves!

This week it'll be:

BRATH 14
NEGATION WAR 2

And next week (May 12) it's:

LADY DEATH: THE WILD HUNT #2
EL CAZADOR #6


Behind the 'Zines
episode ten – "Super Blake VS. The Pirates"

"I don't see her out there," Brandon whispered to himself, peering out from behind the curtain and into the tiny gymnatorium in which all of the editors, reviewers, news monkeys and moderators had converged to watch Scott, "Super Blake", and Brandon make fools of themselves.

"And I'm supposed to care about this why?" Scott grumbled, "Is it because it's that sensitive time of month for you?"

Brandon turned sharply and uttered, "For all we know, she could be out there looking for a good noose and a chair, and you're just freakin' peachy with it?"

"Hey, she might be crazy, but she's not that crazy," Scott said offhandedly, "And I should know. I had to endure that nutball."

"Enough with your petty bickering!" Blake announced, clasping both Scott and Brandon on the shoulder, "In moments, we are to do the work of heroes."

"Blake, I'm pretty sure heroes don't dress up in stupid little costumes and get themselves put in insanely improbable situations just for entertainment value," Brandon muttered, peeling Blake's hand off.

"...and could you be a little less gay with the touching and the whole spandex and underoo thing there Blake-o?"

Blake huffed with irritation, "Amateurs. Don't you see the potential in what you're about to do?"

Scott closed his eyes and stuck a few fingers to his temples and began to massage them, "Hummm... hummm... hey wait. I think I see something! It's... it's the potential of me nutting you if we don't start this thing and end it two hours ago!"

"Your ignorance miffs me," Blake sighed, walking over to the curtain cord, "Get into your places."

Brandon and Scott sauntered to the middle of the stage and stood ready and waiting. The curtain was hoisted up. In the front row, Ronée pressed a button on a tape player, which proceeded to announce (in a psudo-heroic voice that had been created by Blake): "Welcome, one and all, to my thesbianic masterpiece... Super Blake VS. The Pirates! Starring the exuberant Brandon Schatz, the lymphatic Scott Williams, and the Incomparable, Omni-Potent and All Around Good Guy... Blake M. Petit!"

Ronée pressed stop on the recorder, and Scott began to speak.

"Hello! Good pirate friend."

Brandon turned his head slightly to look at Scott, and he replied with an unenthusiastic, "Yar. Greetings to you as well, Peggy Joe. What time it be... er... be it?"

"Arr, 'tis time for pie, says I," Scott announced happily.

"But where are we to get said pie?" Brandon yelled, "The pie man will not sell us his wares for the last time we came we pillaged him."

"Then we shall pillage him again," Scott announced without zeal, "Oh. And uh... uh... line...."

"Yar," Brandon whispered.

"Yar!"

"Not so fast, thieving thieves!" came Blake's voice from the side of the stage. Instantly afterwards, he did a summersault, thumping into the very close wall that was back stage. He quickly stood up, and attempted to salvage any dignity by posing, first using his hands to unfurrow his cape, and secondly, placing them on his hips.

"Blast it all," Brandon muttered, "It is Super Blake what ever will we do. Uh... question mark."

"Surrender and be captured peacefully!" Blake explained.

"I will not be taken alive, yar!" Scott bellowed unenthusiastically.

"Then fisticuffs, it shall be!" Blake exclaimed, proceeding to wind up and punch just to the side of Scott's face.

Two seconds later, Scott turned his head sharply and muttered, "Oh dear he punched me and I be injured! Help me, good pirate friend."

"Yar I shall enter the fray," Brandon said blandly.

Blake lifted a leg and kicked right beside Brandon's face.

Brandon collapsed very slowly to the ground and uttered, "Holy sea biscuits that Super Blake has made me be winded."

"As you should be, you accursed pirates. It's off to jail for you," Blake exclaimed, putting a foot on Brandon's stomach, "The cops are on there way as we speak, but since I am feared (Blake made a mock scared face by placing his hands in front of his eyes and gasping) by them, I shall take my dramatic leave of you!"

Blake placed his hands upwards and somewhere off to the side of the open curtain area, Greg pulled on a rope and Blake took to the air, swinging back and forth.

"Super Blake, away!" he yelled, swaying with each tug of the rope.

In the front row, Ronée pressed the play button again.

"And so ends another death defying adventure of Super-Blake! Join us for an all new adventure later this year, same Blake time, same Blake channel!"
W
"Thank God, I can finally take this costume off!" Brandon exclaimed cheerily as he entered his office, taking off the ruffly creation Blake had stuck him in. Luckily for Amy, who was in the office, and Darren, who was following Brandon, he had clothes on underneath.

"Well, I thought that play was hilarious!" Darren laughed, "Although I'm a little mad that there wasn't any chicks making out."

"Why did you think there would be girls making out in the play?" Amy asked.

"Amy, weren't you listening? The tape said thespianic!"

Amy shook her head and stifled a laugh, "First of all, rocket scientist, a thespian is an actor, and second of all, I was in here, getting the column together."

Darren snapped his fingers, "Right. You're the one who has this crazy idea about 'working' and 'getting stuff done'."

She shrugged, "Somebody around here has to."

Brandon slapped his head, "Oh my God, I almost forgot! I bought you two Easter presents!"

Darren raised an eyebrow, "Easter presents? Wasn't Easter two weeks ago?"

"What? Like I haven't been preoccupied?" Brandon muttered, going to the office hole that was in the ground, "Hey Greg! You there?"

"Verily, yon Brandon of Toastshire!" came Greg's response from below.

"Toss me up those things I told you to stash away!"

"I shall get on it like a she-goat in heat!" Greg bellowed.

"Okay, I do not want to touch whatever it is now," Amy muttered.

"I'm sure he means it metaphorically," Brandon reassured her.

"Upcoming!"

Two items shot up the hole and Brandon caught them. Darren whinced.

"Stuffed toys?"

Brandon held the toys out, "It was always an Easter tradition in my family. You always bought a stuff toy for whoever was on your list that year, and since I'm not with my family this year, I thought I'd get you both some."

"No offense, Brandon, but stuffed toys are given to people for two reasons," Darren explained, "One: the person getting the toy is cute and under the age of ten. Two: the person giving it is a girl, and the guy receiving it is an uncomfortable male who will toss it out when said girl forgets about it."

Brandon stuck Amy's toy under his arm and said, "Darren, you didn't think I'd get you just some crazy little bunny thing, did you? Watch."

He grabbed Darren's toy rabbit with one hand and flicked the head with his finger. The head tipped over, attached merely by a few threads, and a fabric "head chopped off" stump remained below.

Darren grinned, "Okay, dude, that is seriously the coolest stuff toy I have ever seen."

Amy whinced, "That's disgusting! I hope mine isn't like that."

"Naw," Brandon told her, tossing the perfectly non-creepy bunny at her. He handed Daren his.

"Oh, I am so freaking the ever lovin' mind out of Andrea with this," Darren grinned, walking out the front door.

In a feminine voice, he said, "'Oh no! My furry little friend! What have they done to you!'"

In a more masculine voice, he stated, "'I have come to eat you! Nummy nummers!'"

Brandon laughed and shook his head, and then looked at Amy, "So, do you like it?"

"Yeah," she grinned, "It's nice."

"Awesome," Brandon said, before doing a double take and saying, "Oh crap! I completely forgot about Meagan! Oh crap uh... um, Amy, you don't mind if I kind've... borrow your bunny and give it to Meagan do you?"

Amy opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again, stating, "Uh... no, no, I don't mind..."

"Great!" Brandon grinned, snatching the bunny and making his way to the door, "I owe you big time! This'll cheer her up a lot."

He exited.

Amy sat sullenly for a few moments before standing up to check if Scott wasn't coming. She then went back to the desk, opened a drawer and took out a stuffed rabbit.

"'Too some bunny special'," she read the bunny's stomach.

"God, you're so stupid," she told herself. She opened a window and tossed the rabbit out, and went back to work.

To Be Continued...


Later...
Well, another Toasted! has come and gone. I hope I did good with the "shocking anniversary events". Hopefully, Craig will let me post the partly completed Year-In-Review that shockingly didn't come together for this big party when he updates Still On The Shelf on Monday. Yeah, I know, I screwed up again, but considering the *promptness* of my column posting this year, I'm calling it karma.

Until next week...

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.