A Still on the Shelf Exclusive Edition!

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello

Looking for the enigmatic anniversary edition of Toasted!? Hoping that I've posted it here instead of at comiXtreme first? Well, you're out of luck. Due to my being sick, I didn't post it on comiXtreme, last week, and it WILL be posted there tomorrow. So... what in the living heck is this?

Well, it’s a little something done exclusively for Craig and his site. Seeing how he's all going gun ho with this wicked redesign, I thought I'd better contribute something. Besides, I'm like the man's whipping boy. I don't want fifty lashings when I go back to the basement.

So... without further adu...

Behind the Scenes at Behind the 'Zines.

"Everywhere you look around the world, people are just longing to seem normal, but really, when you peel all the layers of crap they've layered themselves with, you get one big ball of some kind of nuts. And that is what Behind the 'Zines is all about."

That was what Behind the Zines creator Bill Waterton stated when we asked him just why he thought his creation "Behind the 'Zines", a weekly sitcom based on the lives of several very different people working at a comic book news site, has become the latest "it" thing among the American public. And while we here at Behind the Scenes at VH1½ have no idea what that means, we still pressed on, asking him and other cast members all kinds of questions to get at the core of what they do, in hopes to figure out why we're all deeply addicted to this slice of insanity.

VH1½: If you could, try and describe the essence of what you do on the show.

Bill Waterton: I just sit back and let the kids go nuts nowadays. They really are a talented bunch of mutts, and really, when you have a talented bunch of mutts, the only thing you can really do, is just put on a dog show, you know?

brandon schatz: I'm not all that sure, really. I guess I'm sort of the lynch pin of the whole piece... if you could look at it that way. But I'm also the least interesting character on the show. Kind've like how Will and Grace are the least interesting characters in Will and Grace, and how the Friends are the least interesting characters in Friends.

Darren Jess: I'm like the man of the group, you know? I mean... none of these guys ever gets any tail, especially Brandon. He's all about some system of morals or something, you know? But jeeze, you're only young once! When you can get it up, you gotta' hit that and hit it often, you know?

And Scott! Feh. He might be dating Meagan on the show, but the man is all about swinging and missing, and I don't mean getting lucky on a pregnancy test. The guy tries hard, but the ladies just don't go for him. Andrea, on the other hand, the ladies are all over. I really don't know why.

Andrea Speed: I'm more of an occasional player... not a big part of the show really, just played off of for my comedic timing and my burly nature. But... it's hard, you know? I mean, I know I might look a little masculine, but that doesn't really make me any different from anybody else. I'm still sensitive and I still like pretty things, and no matter what Darren says, I'm not a ladies lady. But people don't see that. They just see this angry lumberjack with a huge axe, and it hurts me.

Scott Williams: You know that mustached man you see in those old black and white movies? I'm that guy. I bring the "mwa-ha-ha-ha" to all the sweetened crap that the others spew. I'm the guy out there, kicking the kittens, while they try and save them. Without me, the whole thing would fall apart, really.

Craig Reade: Yes. Or wait. What was the question?

VH1½: If you could bottle the essence of Behind the 'Zines... what would it smell like?

Bill Waterton: Mutts.

brandon schatz: Nutmeg, possibly. What kind of question is this?

Darren Jess: Well, if everyone around here was like me, it'd have a nice musk to it, you know? But since they're not, I'm going to say... faintly of cheese.

Craig Reade: For some reason, I'm compelled to say "I agree". What was the question again?

VH1½: Here's a puppy. What do you want to do with it?

Bill Waterton: Train it. Make it act. Say "Alas, poor Yorick", ya mutt!

Scott Williams: I said kittens, man. I kick kittens. What's wrong with you!

Darren: I've always thought that I was good with names. I mean, you know that episode where one of the interns says that Darren has named the white rat that lives in the intern break room "Crackers" because it's a white rat that thinks it's black? That was all me, baby, not the writer. So... what am I going to do with the dog? Imma give it a crazy name. I'm thinking something along the lines of "Son of A Bi-"

Craig Reade: Uh... affirmative!

VH1½: When you leave Behind the Zines... what experience will you remember the most?

Meagan Clarke: I think I'll remember the little gimpy kid the most. He was in the first few episodes of Behind the Zines back when it didn't have a name or very good stories... sweetest little thing, he'd bring you flowers with his tiny little hands and then he'd lick your ankles like a little dog. I think the (then writer) called him "Stooge Boy"... poor thing was knocked around the set pretty badly, and then he died one day. Bad heart or something. Which was good in a way, because the writer who was doing our show up until then quit and Bill started writing more... ignoring the existence of Stooge Boy altogether.

Good times.

Amy Johnson: This may come to a shock to everyone watching this now, but I think what I'll remember most, is the upcoming character death. I think that it's really twisted, but really poignant and slightly touching and you will so, so not expect it. Well, not yet, but it's like things have been building towards this all along, and its really, very fascinating.

I'm glad that I get to stick around after the event and be a part of the rebuilding, really, because that's what life's all about, you know? Rebuilding.

Bill Waterton: Ripping life to shreads. That's all that I'm really doing to these chracters is crapping all over them. Yeah, they're talented, and that's all good, but I want to see how the mutts do with a big pile of ripped and shredded crap to contend with.

Darren Clarke: All the tail, man. You won't believe how hot some of these girls are. I can tell you, there ain't no booty like a Amy Johnson booty, 'cuz an Amy Johnson booty don't stop, know what I mean?

brandon schatz: Just the experience of working with such an ensamble, it's great. All of it, really. I hope I get to do this for a long time too. That'd be decent.

Craig: Okay, now this is getting creepy. I keep on hearing a voice in my head, and it keeps on saying "Agreeeeeee Craaaaaiiggg... agreeeeeeee!!!" But your questions have NOTHING to do with that!

And so ends our look at Behind the Zines. Stay tuned here next week for their amazing One Year Anniversary, and as always...

-Stay Lightly Toasted!

VH1½