Toasted!Zine – APRIL 06/2004
VOLUME II – ISSUE XII

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello

Ah, Tuesday. I love Tuesday. Why you ask? Well, maybe it's because I like the way it rolls off the tongue. Or maybe it's the way I get permission to destroy your minds with all this crazy garbage! Gun to my head, I'd probably say the latter.

Some news to report about the lack of Toasted!News Boxers this week. Since we felt like there wasn't any news to report this week (except for the whole "jump off the sinking ship" thing that's going on over at CrossGen, which is already well represented here at comiXtreme), we ain' doing one.

However, we have been saddened to learn that Wonderfalls has been cancelled by Fox. I'm not surprised, really, but still. It makes me a sad panda. Also, it makes me angry. (And dang it, since when did Fox start deleting the their little websites? For years after Titus was cancelled, I was visiting the site... now how am I going to figure out who sings the theme song?)

So, show some anger for the comics show some love for Tuesday and cop a feel! You know you want to (yes, even you Ronée). And as always,

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.


Comic Shop Hopping



The Pulse #2 (Marvel)

I don't mind Bendis' generally slow pace when it has a point, like in Daredevil. There is a slow pacing there, but things happen. In this issue of The Pulse, nothing new happens though. Wait, strike that. We learn who kills the lady who was found in the creek at the end of issue one. And it takes twenty-two pages of nothing, for a one-page reveal. Seeing how this is bi-monthly, I don't really think this little diversion is going to hold my attention for two whole months.

I can hear my personal pull list axe dropping...

Verdict: 1.5 "Did It Hurt?'s" Out of 5


Indy and Pick of the Week

Sleepwalk (Drawn and Quarterly)

by Adrian Tomine

He might only find the time to get one of his anthological Optic Nerve comic books out a year, but wow. Does this guy know how to write emotional pieces.

Sleepwalk, is a 1998 collection of the first four issues of Optic Nerve, and within it's pages are about 16 stories. Each story exudes vivid emotions. One, a tale of regret, another a tale of long lost memories, another of utter indifference between what is right and what is wrong. And another, and another, and another.

Although this collection certainly isn't for everyone (especially considering the fact that you more or less have to write the end of the stories in your own mind), it is a great book to pick up if you're ever in one of those nice, deep emotional states.

Verdict: 4.5 "Did It Hurt?'s" Out of 5


Behind the 'Zines

episode eight – Undress Rehearsal

"Hon, you're doing it all wrong."

Brandon was ready to collapse on the floor right at that very moment. He had spent a total of six long hours rehearsing a play aptly titled "Super Blake VS. The Pirates" for the comiXtreme Post Easter Party (in a pirate outfit, no less). It was also 2:36 in the morning.

Oh. And Scott Williams had been taunting him the entire time.

"Blake, I told you, if you're going to have me in such a flashy costume, you should at least make Brandon wear two eye patches so that he doesn't ruin the play by staring at me in that creepy longing way of his," Scott muttered offhandedly.

"For the last time, citizen pirate, I do not know of this 'Blake' you speak of," Blake stated for the millionth time that night. He then stood in a mock leap form, with his arms high above his head as he announced, "For I am Super Blake!"

Brandon ignored them both, "What did I do wrong this time. Was it my line? Did I mess up my line?"

"No, hon, the line was fine," Ronée told him, making *good* use of the overly loud megaphone from her seat four feet away from the 'set', "You're just being... you're just being too much like a duck."

"Like a duck?" Brandon questioned, letting his sword hand go limp with defeat in trying to figure out any reasoning behind that statement.

"Yes, like a duck."

"I don't get it."

Ronée sighed and shook her head, "Brandon, have you ever heard a duck say 'quack'?"

"For real? No," he muttered, sarcastically, "I was raised in an underground cheese bunker ran by people who hated ducks."

"Which explains a lot about you," Scott chimed in, "Except the whole gay thing."

"I am not—" Brandon seethed before restraining his anger. He left the words open ended and let Ronée continue.

"Why do you suppose ducks say quack?"

"Because if they told us the secrets of the universe, they'd have to kill us like they did with the Dodo birds?" Brandon questioned.

"No, ducks say 'quack', because they aren't actors," she stated.

"Imagine that," Brandon muttered, "And uh... how do you figure that?"

"If ducks had any poise, why would they make such a horrendously ghastly sound so consistently?" Ronée said, "See, ducks don't act. Acting takes different ranges and a certain poise. Now you see, swans have poise. Why don't you act like a swan?"

"Because I'm supposed to be a pirate?" Brandon sassed.

"Super Blake does not approve of this idle chatter, "'Blake' explained to Brandon, "Please, can we just finish this little scene before I get too weary to fight the forces of eeevil?"

Brandon put his head down and rubbed his temples, being careful not to poke anyone in the eye with his sword, "You know what, we've been over this enough, and I'm sure that I don't want to spend the rest of my night trying to act like some kind of swashbuckling swan, so I'm going to call it a night if you don't mind."

Blake's eyes flashed with slight anger (which was temporarily scary for Brandon, as he had never witnessed Blake with anger ever), however the moment quickly passed and a sly grin spread across his face.

"Well, you could choose to desert the good fight," Blake muttered, "But be warned! If you turn your back now, you will live to regret it in the future!"

"Great, now I have a conundrum on my hands. Swany pirate? Or future regret?" Brandon snarled mockingly, "Why don't we ask Mr. Door what he thinks. Do you think I should leave this room and dare to tempt future regret for the sake of my future sanity?"

Brandon changed his voice into a gruffer style, "Why yes, I do believe so! And tell Scott Williams to shove it as you leave!"

"Thanks for your opinion!" Brandon chimed, "Blake? I'm going to take future regret for six hundred. Oh, and do me a quick favor?"

"Don't say yes, I bet it's kinky," Scott snarled.

"Tell Scott to get himself a sunshine suppository. Sounds like he could use a little sunshine up there," Brandon muttered exiting.

And while he didn't think twice about the seemingly odd "future regret" Blake had promised at the time, he certainly did wish he would've stayed the extra twenty minutes the very next day...

next week: The Very Next Day!


tacked on fun stuff.

And so ends another Toasted!Zine until next week. I know you enjoyed this issue, but on the slight chance that you didn't, DO SOMETHING! *grin*

Here at Toasted, we're high on reader participation. If you have some comments, or if you have something you'd like to submit as a bi-weekly feature (given that it is of fair quality, and that it can be kept at a slim two typed pages each go around), or if you'd just like to give a one-time only performance of some sort, drop us a line at losttoast@hotmail.com you'll be glad you did!

So until next week, remember: It's all mishaps and bubblewraps, so just let go!

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.

The preceding was a concoction that was made entirely in the mind of one b. schatz. If you're looking for anyone to blame for any emotional scarring you may have received from reading the above please consult your local proctologists. I say this only because the International Brethren of Proctologists sponsored this column. Hence the mention of Sunshine Suppositories.

Which reminds me, I was supposed to mention their motto somewhere in this column. Oh well, nows as good a time as any...

"Spread your cheeks for a little sunshine today!

And with that, we leave. And apologize.