Toasted!Zine – MARCH 30th 2004
VOLUME II – ISSUE XI

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello

Well, kids, it's Tuesday. Isn't that grand? I certainly think so, because that means I get to cram this little beauty of a whatever-the-heck this is into the web space for all to see. And scream in horror.

Say, if you find yourself with nothing to do after reading this little ol' thing, you should head on over to Still On The Shelf Online and check out my web comic. It's good readin's!

Now, on with the shew people!

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.

Toasted!News Boxers

Broadcasting across the world from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted!News Boxers with Amy Johnson and Brandon Schatz

brandon: When asked why issue 2 of his Image comic Desperate Times has not yet been solicited in the past few months, Chris Eliopoulos posted the following message upon comiXfan.

Actually a couple of things. That and the fact that when Erik took over Image, we talked a bit. Understand, we are good friends and tell it like it is. We don't pull punches and I prefer it that way.

Erik said he wanted Image to be a place where the best creator-owned books are and that the ones that weren't should go. He felt that creator's BEST work should come out through Image.

I asked if DT was one of the "not-so-good" ones.

Pause.

Erik was quite honest and said that he thinks I can do better. He was quite positive and said that he thinks my work can be really, REALLY great and that I should try something new. He wants to work with me to get a new, better series up and running.

Of course, he said that it was my choice. I could always publish at Image no matter what, whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. But I'm taking it as a challenge. It's like your father saying, "I know you can do better, but if you're happy doing this, that's fine."

I want to blow him away. So, as I work on this new mystery project, I've begun working on a new Image book. I want to take my time and do it right.

In the meantime, I'm writing and drawing a story for Star Wars Tales #20 and I plan on collecting the AAAARGH! issues, etc. in a trade.

This marks the first time that an Image title not being solicited wasn't just another victim of the company policy to ship books late.

Amy: In his continuing effort to destroy a comic book super teams, Chuck Austen will be writing JLA for six issues starting with #101. You have been warned folks.

brandon:The next new comic to come out of CrossGen shouldn't find itself short of controversy.

American Power is described as follows:

"America's new living weapons in the war against terror! They bomb civilians, hurt innocents, and spread fear. But those that have chosen to inflict pain will reap what they've sown! Now, the world's modern monsters will face a new, devastating and living arsenal! Supported by the technology, muscle and brainpower of the U.S. Armed Forces, the next stage in human evolution will
scour the globe and deliver justice! Lock and load for high-stakes,
high-explosive military action as the enhanced soldiers code-named Ivictus and Scapel"

The series is supposed to be written by Chuck Dixon, and drawn by Greg Land. But what does this mean for Sojourn? Cancellation at issue #41, or even earlier now that writer Ian Edginton has quit the title. Sounds to me like CrossGen might be shooting themselves in the foot by chopping off their highest selling title at the knees.

Amy: And that's the way we saw the week. For all of us here at Toasted!Zine, I'm Amy Johnson, saying buy Captain Marvel, and write your letter today.

brandon: Sa-lute!

Amy: You are such a loser.

Comic Shop Hopping

brandon's reviews.

Abadazad #2 (CrossGen)

Yes, this comic came out last week. No, it was not in my pull pile. Yes, I did complain to my comic shop guy. Yes, I did add it to my pull list too late, and yes, it got shipped to me later as a result. Thank God.

Abadazad is, at its heart, a simple story. It's not meant to be complicated, and it certainly isn't meant to be very thought provoking. It's meant to be fun. It's meant to be enjoyed. It's all the things that dragged me into comics before I became a hoity-faloity thinker, picking books that poked at my brain and made me think, rather then make me just slip into a different world, where things were simpler. Slightly unreal, but simpler nonetheless, and I love this title for it. The words of J.M. DeMatteis and the pictures of Ploog (whose name fits is grandly with the comic itself) are a joy to behold, and I, for one, am already waiting for my next copy of this book.

Verdict: 4.5 "You're the only Ten I See"'s Out of 5.

Indy Pick Up of the Week:

The Tick: Big Back to School Special No. 1 – Oct 1998 (NEC Press)

Straight from the Andrea Speed Was Right file (which I hate to acknowledge for how big headed she gets when it's opened *grin*), it's this little gem, which features the most outrageous (and yet incredibly funny) situation I've ever seen a superhero in. I'll give you a little hint as to what that situation is. It involves a bunch of apples, a nutjob school, and a guy with a stool for a head. No, seriously.

This title was worth the $5.50 Canadian I had to spend to get it, for the amount of time I spent laughing. If you can find this comic (or I'm assuming any Tick Comic), buy it. Love it. It's good eatin's.

Verdict: 4 "You're the only Ten I See"'s Out of 5.

Ultimate Fantastic Four #4 (Marvel)

*ya-ha-awn* Oh jeeze, I'm not done this comic yet? Dang.

I really want to like this title, as I have become a very big fan of the FF as of late, but Millar and Bendis' story just isn't catching me. Mostly because the only thing that has really happened thus far is the FF have gotten their powers. And that took four issues. If this had more of the classic Reed and Johnny moment where Johnny tells Reed that his sister is hot for him
and that he has Johnny's blessing, then I'd be fine. I like the little
interactions like that, and not the impersonal stuff that comes with all this scientific gobbledygook (which, fascinatingly enough, is a real word according to my word processor).

However, I will still be picking this title up for the duration of the first arc. And since it is crazy Warren Ellis, I'll be going beyond that. Because I'm a sucker.

Verdict: 2 "You're the only Ten I See"'s Out of 5.

Phantom Jack #1 (Image)

There is a lot of potential in this title. The pictures by newcomer Mitch Breitweiser are very realistic, and the words are pretty enough, but thing just seem just a bit off. I'm going to write it off to Marvel's heavy editing, and go ahead with buying more of this title. When it comes out. (May for #2? Already late, kiddies...)

Verdict: 3 "You're the only Ten I See"'s Out of 5.

Best of the Week!

Sleeper: Out in the Cold (DC Comics)

Boy howdy, is this comic good. The intrigue. The self-containedness of each, oh-so-good chapter. The extremely sharp words by Ed Brubaker. The perfectly matched pictures of Sean Phillips. If you got an extra $20 bucks on you, buy this. You will not be disappointed in the least, I ga-raw-tee. (Sorry... the KIA commercial about the guy in the Louisiana bayou was playing again.)

Verdict: 5 "You're the only Ten I See"'s Out of 5.

Behind the Zines

episode seven – life as a bad sitcom.

When Darren Jess woke up on the floor in Brandon's office, he didn't seem to mind the fact that Scott Williams was pushing his desk across the room. He also didn't seem to care about the fact that both Brandon and Scott were dressed like pirates. However, there was something that did catch his attention.

"Why in the gosh forsaken bugger is the door wide open?" he exclaimed in anger, sprinting towards the gaping hole in the wall. He attempted to slam the door shut, but instead, he found Meagan Clarke's face. This discovery was punctuated by a large thud, followed by a softer one.

Darren swung the door back open to see Meagan sitting on the ground, rubbing her head.

"Oops," he muttered, before chuckling to himself, "See, I told you that I'd get to bang you eventually."

"Grow up, Darren," she grumbled, pushing herself up to an upwards position. She walked in and Darren quickly shut the door behind her.

"You're wrecking the carpet," Brandon bellowed, sword extended into the air.

"Well, if you'd help me move my desk instead of undressing me with your eyes, then I wouldn't be."

"Uh... quick question. Did the beer I drink last night have any wacky drugs in it, or are Scott and Brandon dressed like pirates?"

"Both, probably."

Darren gave her a suspicious look as he said, "How do I know you're not just some wacky hallucination yourself?"

Meagan kicked Darren hard in the leg.

He twitched the leg, winced and said, "I always knew you were into the kinky stuff."

Meagan rolled her eyes.

"So, can you tell me why these two are in my sleeping space?" Darren said, bending to rub his leg, "Dressed like musketeers, no less?"

"They're not dressed like musketeers. They're pirates, and it's all Blake's doing," Meagan muttered.

"Blake's doing you say?" Darren whispered, "Well played, old dog."

"Well... played?" Meagan fumed, "What are you talking about? This is going to be living hell for all of us! Brandon and Scott will be fighting constantly, you'll be leering at me and licking your lips..."

"Hey, don't think that you're special," Darren warned, "I do that to Amy too. And that Ronée woman who just moved in. And if she wasn't out to kill me, I'd do it to Andrea too."

Meagan sighed, "And here I thought you had hidden depths."

"No, see, that's where you're wrong," Darren said, pointing at her, "I really am this shallow."

Meagan sighed with defeat and grabbed a nearby chair. She sat down, "So... about that 'well played' comment. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Blake and I are in the middle of a prank war," Darren explained casually, "I think this is his idea of a prank. Sending these two into my sleeping room..."

"Brandon's office," Meagan clarified, "Or... Brandon and Scott's office, I suppose."

"...messing with my sleeping time. That coy little minx."

"I don't need to take orders from a woman like you!" Scott seethed at Brandon, pointing his sword at Brandon's throat.

"What are you going to do? Draw a line through the center of the office and tell me not to cross it?"

"Well if it'll stop you from grabbing my cheeks, then maybe I will."

Meagan rolled her eyes, "Jeeze, this is just like a bad sitcom. All we need is a wacky neighbour who'll show up right on cue."

Meagan and Darren both fell silent.

"Or no-"

"Ah, good 'morrow, kind folk of Toastshire!" Greg announced, head popping through the office hole.

"-t," Meagan finished.

"Your timing was a bit off," Darren muttered, "Although I'm sure Scott tells you that every nig-ow! Let go of my nipple!"

"Not until you promise to be quiet."

"I promise! I promise!"

Meagan let go.

"You know, where I come from, we play a game of three to one. You give me three, I give you one."

Meagan sighed and pushed Darren away, "Hey Greg. What do you want?"

"I was merely placing mine ear to the ground, listening to the rumblings," Greg explained, "And I heard of Scott Williams of Fanboy Netswine was to be moving into yon space, and bringing his lovely wench with him."

"Greg, don't you work somewhere here?" Meagan asked.

"I work for Miss Speed in Reviews," Greg explained.

"Great. Go do that," she said curtly.

Greg shrugged and slinked back into the hole.

"What was that about?" Darren asked.

"Nothing," Meagan muttered, "God, why does every freakin' guy here have a crush on me?"

"Greg has a crush on you too?"

"I think so."

Darren laughed, "Just because guys pay attention to you, that doesn't mean they have a crush on you. Some of them just want to get into your pants, like moi. But some are just being nice. The pansies. Why would anyone try to thank, without expecting a spank?"

Meagan rolled her eyes, "I think the testosterone in this room is going to kill me..."

She pushed up from her chair and walked out of the office. Dino Pollard was sitting at his desk next to the water cooler with a tiara on his head.

"If this doesn't help me get my own office..." he grumbled, adjusting it so that it sat balanced.

"Dude, take that thing off your head," Andy James told him, "You look like a chick."

"I'll take this off from my cold dead hands!" Dino exclaimed, "Wait..."

Andy shook his head. Meagan's eyes went wide.

"This entire place has gone nuts..." she muttered to herself.

next: The rehersal for Super-Blake VS. The Pirates! It ain't gonna' be pretty folks...

tacked on fun stuff.

And so ends another Toasted!Zine until next week. I know you enjoyed this issue, but on the slight chance that you didn't, DO SOMETHING! *grin*

Here at Toasted, we're high on reader participation. If you have some comments, or if you have something you'd like to submit as a bi-weekly feature (given that it is of fair quality, and that it can be kept at a slim two typed pages each go around), or if you'd just like to give a one-time only performance of some sort, drop us a line at losttoast@hotmail.com you'll be glad you did!

So until next week, remember: If the world didn't suck so much, we'd probably die when we'd all float off into space.

Stay lightly toasted!

-b.

The preceding was a concoction that was made entirely in the mind of one b. schatz. If you're looking for anyone to blame for any emotional scarring you may have received from reading the above, or if you have received any physical damage when you tried to break the screen with your forehead, go see a doctor, or a loved one, so they can blame the stress on me, rather than your inability to stop reading, and or clicking the back button on your web browser.