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Toasted!Zine – March 9th, 2004 - The Fate of Captain Marvel!
Originally published March 9th, 2004 on www.ComiXtreme.com. This work is, of course, © Brandon Schatz.
Ello, Ello, Ello I just cannot catch a break this week. For those of you wondering why the column wasn't posted on Friday, my car's gas pump crapped out on me, forcing me to be away from the computer for some time. For those of you wondering why this edition is so short even after my car got fixed on Saturday, blame the girl who got sick at my second job. Jeeze, just one more week of 100 hours of work, and then it's back to my normal schedule. Expect a fuller column next week, and then after that, something big for the tenth edition of this volume of Toasted. Say it with me now... oooooooooohhhh. Stay lightly toasted! -b. Toasted News Boxers Amy: About six months ago, Spider-Girl got renewed to issue #74 by Marvel, and Captain Marvel found himself with a similar extension to issue #24. More recently, Spider-Girl got word of it's renewal to issue #81, and Captain Marvel had no such announcement. A bit of detective work will tell you that a smilar situation arose with Runaways and Sentinel. Both were slated to run up to issue #12, but Brain K. Vaughan came to the internet with word that Runaways was extended to issue #18. Sentinel made no such announcement. And it was cancelled. So, Captain Marvel fans, get writing because come the end of the month, the clock starts ticking. brandon: Here's an idea. Get your buddy of yours to pick up two copies of Captain Marvel, in exchange for you picking up the very cheap Sentinel trade, and ev-eryone will be happy." Amy: As much as your constant over-rating of Sentinel drives me crazy, I might have to take you up on that offer. brandon: The Sentinel Pimp strikes again! Amy: Stop posing triumphantly. You're ruining our credibility. brandon: Spoil sport. Behind the Zines The following was written back when the incomparable Blake Petit was not the Assistant Columns Editor. Please, bear with the continuity slip up. (Marvel readers should have no problem.) Brandon Schatz poked his head down from the office hole and into the Intern's Break Room. "Are they gone?" "Aye! They have been removed from this room by my magical presence!" Greg bellowed happily. "Uh... sure..." Brandon stated uneasily as he climbed down into the room, "Anyway, thanks for being my lookout, Greg. I have some things to discuss with someone and I didn't want to have Darren around when I did it." "T'was my grand pleasure, Brandon of Toastshire," Greg bowed with exaggeration, "I wish you well upon your journey." "Yeah..." Brandon muttered, "So do I..." Brandon lifted his hand to knock at the door, and hesitated. This wasn't going to be easy, he knew that. However, if he wanted to get Meagan and Scott to break up, there was only one thing that was going to do it. But first, he needed some advice. Some manly advice. And as everyone in the comiXtreme office knew, there was only one person who you could go to for manly advice, but Brandon wasn't too sure if he would be allowed to even see the person because of Darren. "Oh well," he sighed to himself, "Here goes nothing." He knocked on the door. "Who is it?" came a voice from within. "It's Brandon. I need some manly advice, so I thought... well, I thought I could come to you," he explained, "Now I know you may not want to see me, but I have this plan, see. And I really want it to work, but first, I need some advice. So... whadda' you say?" There was a long silence as Brandon stood waiting at the door. Then, finally, the door swung open quickly. "Come in." Brandon smiled, "Thanks Andrea, this really means a lo—uh... what are you wearing?" Andrea Speed, the Reviews editor was decked out in hardcore lumberjack wear. She was covered from head to toe in red flannel, big boots and red suspenders. Now, that wasn't altogether odd. It was the tiara on crowning her unkempt hair that was throwing Brandon off. "What this?" Andrea asked, "All part and parcel with being a queen." "You know, what with you taking pride in being manly and all, some people might take the word 'queen' to mean something else entirely..." "Would you like my help or not?" "Sorry." "Sit," she commanded as she tromped behind her desk. On the way there, she bypassed several stuffed animals and moose heads that adorned various spaces in her office. Brandon did as he was commanded, however, he had to remove what looked like a book containing pressed flowers to do so. "Now. Explain to me your conundrum," she uttered. "Well, uh, as you might know, I'm making a somewhat retarded play at getting Meagan away from Scott," Brandon began, "But what you might not know, is how. Mind if I be a bit expositive?" "Please. I read over ten comic books a week." "...right. Anyway, I have this plan, see. When Meagan and Scott came to my door last week and told me that Doug wanted Meagan to work back at Toasted!, I flatly turned the offer down, and in doing that, I've made Scott as suspicious as hell, and I've thrown Meagan for a loop, so to speak. "So, then, after that, knowing that Darren would snoop in my little day calender/journal, I wrote down the words 'Forget about her' on the day that that happened. Naturally, Darren assumed that he had discovered the grand 'thing' that I've been hiding from the office, so he just now convinced Meagan and Amy... she's my other intern... to go out with him to spill the beans. "Now, since they're gone, I have this little window of opportunity," Brandon muttered, "to do whatever I want without any of them knowing about it, so naturally, I've come to you, something Darren would KILL me for doing. Now, this is where things get juicy. "What I have set up, is this little system. Scott is paranoid as hell (as he should be), and he's expecting me to be up to something (which I am). All I have to do is get someone to tell Dino and Andy... you know, the local rumor mill." "Yes, yes I know." "Someone has to tell them that Meagan has gone out to a bar with a guy. Knowing those two, they'll make it sound as if that guy is me, just to drive up the price of the information. Scott finds this out, he goes mad and jealous and when Meagan comes back, I'm guessing there will be a bit of a rage going on. Now I'm hoping this anger thing will be enough to split Meags away from Scott for a while, like a couple's fight, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces." Andrea stared at Brandon for a while and muttered, "You are one twisted, evil little boy. I like that. However, what happens if Scott goes to your office and sees you there after he gets his information?" "He won't. I won't be there. I'll be here," Brandon grinned, "That is... if you'll let me." Andrea sighed, "Is that what you came here for?" "Actually... no. I still need some manly advice." "Well then fire away." "You see... like you said before, this plan isn't the nicest thing a person could do to another person, no matter what the reason, so..." Brandon muttered, "I need to know. Before I go through with this... would it be worth it?" "You're asking if this plan to get Meagan is justified?" Andrea asked. "Well... yeah. I guess so." "Hmm," Andrea pondered, "I myself have pondered this question, however it somehow involved a muskrat." "A muskrat?" "Don't ask. Long story short, after a long walk in the woods, I came to a realization," Andrea explained, "If you love someone, and they're in love with someone else... what's more important to you. The fact that they're happy, or the possibility that you could be." Brandon slumped in his chair and thought for a moment. "Huh," he said, "That's something to think about." "But, if you want a more manly version, I would go for the old adage of 'hump 'er and dump 'er' and move on to the next one," Andrea finished. Brandon raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, I can't stand mushy gushy thoughtful moments." "Fair enough," Brandon muttered, "Either way, though, I think I've figured out what I'm going to do." Scott dashed to the doors of the Toasted! office, which he proceeded to pound ferociously. "Brandon, you better be in there!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, "Open this door this instant!" After five minutes of doing this, no reply was forthcoming. Scott swore (to which a passing Craig Reade yelled, "Watch your language!") and turned around. "Hello Scott." Brandon was standing right behind him. "You... you're here," Scott simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief and a huff of anger. "Yeah, I'm here," Brandon muttered, "And you better be da—" Craig Reade snapped his neck to look towards the pair. "Uh... gosh darn be happy about it," he grumbled. "I don't need your charity, Schatz. I could fire you whenever I want to. You need my charity." "I'll keep that in mind," he told Scott, right before furrowing his brow, making and angry face and pointing a finger in his face, "But hear me. If you ever... ever give me a reason to believe that you aren't making her happy, or that you are hurting her, I don't care about your stupid 'higher position'. I will tell her about all that crap you did to get her, and she will hate you. "Fair warning." Brandon walked away. Scott stormed off in another direction. And Andrea Speed smiled from her office window and muttered, "Well played. Now, where is that muskrat." |
