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TOASTED!ZINE -- MARVEL CANCELLATION MADNESS!
Toasted!Zine – February 24th, 2004... or is it the 27th, 2004
"your source for all the comic book info you didn't need to know."
created by b. schatz
Inside:
- Screw the X-Men Emergancy... something darker may be happening at Marvel...
- How to get two women to go drinking with you.
- And more!
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello
Oh yes, it's Tuesday and you know what that means! Thaaaaat's right, it's time for a brand new edition of To—wait, what? It's... it's not Tuesday? Huh. Imagine that. Well, I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this. Now if only I could find it...
*shuffle shuffle shuffle*
Ah. Here it is.
In order to get a good college money cushion, I recently acquired a part time job on top of my full time job, and that was great. Until the boss at the part time job decided to go on vacation, leaving a whole bunch of time slots open. And being the new guy, I got stuck with a lot of shifts because the other workers don't like working.
That means for eleven days within the three weeks mentioned, I'm working a 16 hour day, more or less. On five others, I'm working a normal 8 hour day. Through all that, I'm still writing this column. However, for this week and the next (and possibly the week after that) it'll be posted on Friday. After that, my schedule goes all back to the way it used to be, and Toasted! will be back on Tuesday.
Gots it? Grand. Onwards to the column.
Stay lightly toasted!
-b.
Crank! Special Report!
The previously scheduled Crank! that was supposed to appear in this edition has been delayed due to some unsettling Marvel developments that are... well, unsettling. Just a fair warning, you might not like what you're about to read, and we here at Toasted! don't like it very much ourselves, but if preventative measures can be taken, then let's take 'em.
Also please note, some of this is based on rumor and the use of our rusty detective skills, so bare with us.
Something Wicked This Way Comes?
by brandon schatz
I really need to stop reading rumor columns, because as of late, they've been scaring the ever living crap out of me. First, it was the "Chuck Austen will be taking over New X-Men" and now... well, it might be nothing, but it could prove to be very volatile.
Rumor has it that Marvel will be bringing out the big chopping axe and is about to go nuts.
The story as it appeared in this week's Lying in the Gutters
Expect some major changes for Marvel in the months to come. Cancellations of books you wouldn't expect. The word I hear is that if there isn't a film deal in the offing for a title, then it had better have something bloody good going for it (basically high sales or an outreach publishing plan) to survive. If you're in the Top Twenty, fine. If you're not, and you're not a Spidey, X title of something being pitched to Hollywood… well then…
What future has "Avengers?" "Iron Man?" "Thor?" "Captain Marvel?" And I hear a Spidey book might be for the chop, too.
Naturally, all businesses are in it to make money. Marvel, however, have shown a past propensity to cancel books that are profitable - but just might not be as profitable as a different book. This attitude looks like it's returning.
However it's combined with high profile events such as "Supreme Power" or "1602," a lot of money, talent and promotion behind a major new comic with less ties to existing brands. While Marvel may be paring away certain sections from their publishing plans, they are planting new roots.
As long as they're not creator owned roots…
This summer it's going to be all out war between DC and Marvel.
Sounds spooky, right? And it's just a rumor... right???
Well, meanwhile on the Spider-Girl Message Boards, Tom DeFalco has been saying many slightly frightening things...
Question: Wait a minute! Two issues in May??!?? Didn't we just have two issues in January?!?
Answer: Yes, we did. Marvel has a special reason for putting out two issues in May, but I've been told to keep my mouth shut about it.
Question: PLEASE TELL US IS IT A GOOD REASON OR A BAD REASON????????
Answer: I'm not really sure. I cannot tell you what's about to happen, but I can say that our book is going to undergo some major changes in the coming months. I don't know how you will react to these changes. (Heck, I'm not even sure how I feel about them!)
I can tell you that we will make an official announcement on or before the week of March 15. And I can also say...MAYDAY PARKER--Accept NO substitutes!
That could possibly any number of things, but it is consistent with the aforementioned rumor. However, if you need proof, look no further than good ol' Joe Quesada.
On an interview at Fanboy Radio Joe was told by a listener that it seemed as if Marvel and DC flooded the market with comics when the industry was looking to dip, to which Joe dismissed by saying (and this isn't a direct quote... I'm too strapped for time to dig for his EXACT words) Marvel isn't flooding the market, rather they will continue to publish the targeted number they have always tried to publish.
It sounds rather suspicious, don't you think?
Post your thoughts below. I'd love to here them.
-b.
neXt week: Toasted!News Boxers returns with a new and improved edition of Comic Shop Hopping, while Crank! will come back with the promised "Comic Book Nuances" edition. Be there on the special day of Friday, and as always...
Stay lightly toasted!
Behind the 'Zines
episode five (one) – truths and consequences
"Spill."
It had been a particularly quiet day for Brandon Schatz. When he had walked through the main doors of the comiXtreme HQ, Ben Grimly, the receptionist/charity case of comiXtreme, greeted him with the standard middle finger and death threat. Brandon smiled back at him and told him to have a nice day.
When he had walked past Scott Williams in the hallway, Scott gave him the standard suspicious glare accompanied with an angry face, and Brandon, in turn, asked how his girlfriend was. Scott stormed away.
And finally, when he had traversed down the stairs that led to the Intern's Breakroom which sadly, was the only way he could gain access to his office, Greg the Gregorious wasn't there to greet him with his standard, "Forsooth! May today be well enough for a good goat sacrifice!" greeting that he wasn't all that fond of.
Yes, the day was shaping up to be mighty fine indeed. Until two seconds later.
The doorway that Brandon had walked through slammed closed.
"What the—"
"Spill," came the voice of Amy Johnson from behind him.
Brandon turned around to see the intern blocking the door. He let out a half-surprised, half-sarcastic laugh and said, "Ex-cuse me?"
"Don't pretend you didn't hear me," she said pointedly, "I said spill."
"Spill what?"
Amy walked forward and smacked Brandon's forehead, "Your deal with Meagan, you fool. Everyone upstairs is going nuts trying to figure out what you're up to, and Dino and Andy have been handing out bogus information for thirty bucks a pop."
"Thirty? I thought it was twenty."
"The price inflated," Amy explained, "But that's not the point, Brandon. Just what are you trying to pull with this whole... not getting Meagan to work for you again?"
Brandon sighed, "Do you really want to know?"
"Uh... yeah."
"And are you sure you won't tell anyone about this?"
"Sure."
Brandon looked around the room to make sure no one was hiding anywhere. Then, he proceeded to whisper, "It's all a part of my evil scheme to fill my butt cheeks with air and bounce my way to the planet of... oh, let's say Uranus for the sake of childish irony."
"Brandon..."
"Look Amy," Brandon reasoned, "Truth be told, I'd love to tell you an Darren and everyone except for Scott about what I'm doing, but the second anyone hears so much as 'Brandon's bouncing to Uranus!', the whole office will be talking about it, so—"
"Oh, get over yourself," Amy muttered, "What makes you think your love life is all we're thinking of right now."
As if on cue, the door behind Amy opened, and Greg the Gregorious burst in.
"Ah! Brandon of Toastshire. Have ye traversed to ye olde hostel and fornicated with the wench named Meagan of recent days?"
Brandon held out a hand a said, "Exhibit A."
"He isn't everyone," Amy stated, shaking her head.
At that moment, Darren dropped from the hole in the ceiling and landed on the table.
"Don't mind me. Just going out to get me some pizza and sex," he announced, sliding off the table, "Which reminds me."
He slapped Brandon on a shoulder and squeezed it for a bit, saying," Brandon, buddy. When you finally do bag Meags, just remember. When you're 'getting it on' as the kids say, music doesn't just... magically happen to play, so feel free to hum it. Helps with the atmosphere, and the chicks digit."
Brandon raised an eyebrow at Amy.
"They're boys," she protested, "They're always thinking about se—"
The door flew open again, and Meagan Clarke walked in.
"Hey guys. You wouldn't know what Brandon is pla—" she stopped dead in her tracks, "Oh. Uh... hi... Brandon. I was just... uh... just..."
"I believe the words you are looking for are 'I was just proving your point'," Brandon finished. He turned towards Amy, "Well, thanks for playing. This has really been grand, but if you don't mind—"
He climbed up on the table...
"—I have a column to write. Cheerio."
...and he climbed up through the office hole and disappeared.
Amy glared at the troupe of interns that were gathered in the basement, "Gee, thanks for convieniently showing up right when I didn't want you to."
"You, my hot little piece of somethin', are welcome," Darren said, streatching his arm around Amy's side, "Say, would you like to come with me for some pizza and—"
"Finish that sentence, and I rip your arm off," Amy snapped, "And I'm sure you'd be real lonely without it, so don't test me."
Darren did a slow reverse.
"If ye don't mind mine prying, me wishes to become knowledgeable of what ye were trying to accomplish by asking of Brandon of Toastshire's infactuation with Meagan the Network Wench," Greg offered, smoothing out his robe as he sat in one of the dingy chairs.
"My money's on something kinky," Darren smiled.
"Uh... no! Only sleazy people would even think of doing anything with their boss," Amy muttered, "Oh, uh... no offense Meagan."
"You know... I think I'll just go..." Meagan blushed, pointing up the stairs.
"Hey Meagan, if you're going my way, how about we stop for some pi-"
"Darren..."
"What!" Darren exclaimed, "Does no one here like pizza?"
"I am quite partial to the foodage substance you refer to as 'pizza'," Greg announced.
"Oooooh," Darren winced, moving his hand towards his belly, "You know, suddenly, my appetite has just... disappeared. Sorry big guy."
"Anyhoo, I'm still going to hit the town," Darren announced, "Anyone wanna' coe with? Just to warn you, if you do come, we don't leave until we all have ourselves a woman to take home."
"We're good," Amy and Meagan almost replied congruently.
"Although Greg the Gregorious finds your offer much appealing, he is not readily welcomed when it comes to the wenches."
"Suit yourself," Darren shrugged, making his way towards the door, "I mean, I was going to get positively plastered and accidentally tell anyone near enough to hear me talk about all of Brandon's crazy plans but..."
Meagan's eyes grew wide, "You know what Brandon's doing?"
"You bet your sweet cheeks, I do," Darren grinned, "But if you don't wanna' know, you can just stay here..."
Meagan grabbed Amy by the arm roughly and said, "I have my woman. Let's go."
[Note – Due to my work problem, this is only half of the entire episode of BTZ that was supposed to air. The last half will be posted next week (even though I could take a few minutes to type out the rest of it, I'd like to make sure I have something to post next week...) So...]
neXt week: Want to know what Brandon's up to? Next week, you will find out, I promise you that.
Toasted!Zine is a publication that is actualy done entirely by B. Schatz (most of the time), and many of the other characters, and all of the situations in the section Behind the Zines are ficticious. Also, Brandon wonders why DC doesn't do something crazy so that he can showcase them for a bit.
Or maybe he should report on something that doesn't scare the ever lovin' crap out of him once and a while.
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