[toasted!zine] – February 17, 2004
created by brandon schatz

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello

Good morning class. How are we today? If you would kindly scroll down this column, you will see a nice and roomy set of Toasted! News Boxer Shortz, a guest written edition of Crank! and a mysterilicious smattering of Behind the Zines.

Now, I'm going to leave you alone with your thoughts now. Read on. Quiz to follow.


Toasted! News Boxer Shortz (short this week. Sorry.)
Broadcasting across the world from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted! News Boxers with brandon schatz and Amy Johnson.

brandon: It has been confirmed! Joss Whedon and John Cassidy will be the creative force behind a new series called "The Astonishing X-Men".

Both will be a part of the title for twelve issues, or until Marvel finds two more giant sacks of money.

Amy: And following up on our "story" from last week, another rumor column has reported that David Mack, who was supposed to be taking over Ultimate X-Men, is going to instead take over New X-Men, instead of the aforementioned Chuck Austen.

Think of it as penance for taking Daredevil away from Bendis. If it actually happens.

brandon: And that's the way it's been this week. Sorry for the short edition, not much to report on. We'll see you with a bigger edition in a week.


Crank!
by Mark McKinnon
The following is a small rant written by a good friend of mine named (dur!) Mark McKinnon. A friend I have been trying to get registered to comiXtreme, but he refuses to. However, I did con him into writing a Crank! in an effort to get him to signed up here. When you read, I'm sure you'll know what to say afterwards.

PS – He is also not the most eloquent writer (much like myself) but he tries hard. Be kind, as I have not edited this in anyway.

I don't like comic book news sites or forums. I was fine without them and I'll wean myself off of the crack that is the opinion ridden world of these forums. I blame my *friend* Brandon for getting me hooked. Stupid kid.

But you probably want to know why I don't like places like these, and I will tell you. Before I began reading all of this news and stuff, I was fine to be just reading my copies of Uncanny X-Men and Spider-Man and be fine with that. But then Brandon told me to go online because they have news about upcoming things and projects, and so I did, and I got hooked. I got hooked on the rumors and the news of things coming in the future and when I did this I would get really excited and the waiting after would just be unbearable. Plus, half of the time, I already knew what I would be reading - I only pick up comics ever two weeks – and that would suck. And then I would also hear about all kinds of books that I should be reading and everyone would tell me to stop reading Uncanny, but I did not want to stop reading Uncanny X-Men and I liked the writing and it made me angry. Forums and news sites ruined all the surprises and tried to tell me what to do and I did not like that.

And that is why I won't sign up for this site.

How was that Brandon?

...um. Yeah. Good...

Anyone have anything to say to Mark?


next issue:
A full sized Toasted! News Boxers will fill you in about all the news of the week and in Crank!, we play a game called "Find the Comic Book Nuance!"


Behind the 'Zines
episode four: all's fair in love and war.

The Water Cooler.

Placed somewhat mysteriously in the middle of the comiXtreme offices right in between Dino Pollard and Andy James' desk, it was the center of all of the gossip at comiXtreme. Everything from Andrea Speed being seen in a particularly feminine tutu, to Blake Petit's cringe inducing jazz dance rendition of Hamlet were discussed at great length at that local. As such, both Dino and Andy had become the go to guys when it came to wanting to know something juicy about someone else. But naturally, their services came at a price...

"I need you to tell me whatever you know about what Brandon Schatz is up to," Scott Williams said while leaning on a wall of Dino Pollard's cubicle.

Dino gave a casual glance up from his computer screen and gave a sly grin.

"Why if it isn't the one and only Scott Williams," he said with sarcastic awe as he leaned back in his oh-so-plush-and-comfy rolling chair and raised him arms behind his head, "Gosh, we haven't seen you in forever, isn't that right Andy?"

Andy quickly rolled out from the cubicle behind Scott and said a quick, "Thaaaaat's right Dino."

"I swear, if I didn't know any better, I would've thought that you'd forgotten all about us when you got that cushy 'Assistant Columns Editor' job."

"but you didn't," Andy added, "Did you Scott?"

"Oh no!" Dino said snidely, "Scott would never just visit us because he needs our help. No, he'd probably stop by every once and a while... tell us how things are going..."

"Okay you two, I get it," Scott whispered sharply, "I haven't been around lately. Boo friggen' woo, like I give a crap. All I want to know is if you can help me out or not."

Din raised an eyebrow at Andy. Andy gave a quick nod.

"Yeah, we can hook you up with the information you need," Dino smiled, "But you know, ever since I got a girlfriend, I've been on so many dates, why my wallet's been feeling kind've empty inside, the poor thing."

"Okay. I get the picture," Scott muttered, "How much is it going to cost me?"

"I'd say abooooooout... twenty dollars," Dino said as he extended a hand towards Scott.

"TWENTY DOLLARDS!?!"

"Don't like that price?"

"I'm sure we could do better, couldn't we Dino?"

"Why of course, Andy. How does thirty sound to you?"

Scott's face grew red, "I'll take the twenty."

"Ooooh," Dino sighed, "Andy, whadda' you think?"

"I'm not sure if we can give you this choice information for twenty anymore," Andy smiled.

"Inflation's a horrible thing," Dino agreed, "Do you know how much a vase of flowers cost nowadays?"

"A lot of money," Andy explained.

"That's right," Dino commented.

Scott's face grew red as he dug in his pocket and threw $20 at Dino. Dino caught it in the air and shook his head.

"Cough it up, padre," Dino said.

"Or, how about you just tell me the information $20 can get me," Scott snapped.

Dino pondered for a second before he looked at his partner and said, "Andy? Give the man his twenty dollar information."

With a push of his legs, Andy rolled up to Scott. Carefully, he looked from side to side to make sure no one was listening or watching. After that, he whispered, "He's going after Meagan."

"And..."

"And what?" Andy asked, "You already knew that Brandon was going after your girlfriend?"

Scott growled, "Gee. Let me check. I stole her from right under his nose so... yeah. I think I already knew that."

"Hey Dino," Andy yelled, "He already knew that."

"Did he? Oh well. Thems the breaks, I guess."

"Listen you slack-jawed news monkeys," Scott snapped, digging in his pockets. He pulled out another ten, "Stop messing around with me, and just give me the information."

"I'm sorry sir, but ten dollars isn't going to buy you anything here," Dino explained.

"You'll need thirty for what you want," Andy explained.

"But I just gave you twenty!" Scott yelled.

"And we gave you twenty dollars worth of information," Dino explained, "If you want anything more, you're going to have to give us thirty dollars."

"Because we're fresh out of twenty dollar information, lemme tell you," Andy told Scott.

"But I don't have any other money other than this ten," Scott snarled.

"Well, then you're just going to have to find someone who'll give you the information you need for ten dollars."

Scott opened his mouth a swore loudly, to which a passing Craig Reade muttered, "No cussing in the offices, there Scotto."

Scott went and stormed off into his office. Dino and Andy laughed. Craig Reade spied them suspiciously and asked, "So... I couldn't help but overhearing the conversation and... I was wondering. Do you really know anything about what Brandon is up to? I heard that he told Scott that he didn't want Meagan to work for him anymore, but that doesn't quite add up to him going out with her."

Dino smiled, "We can tell you what we know. But it'll cost you."

"Or, how about I just fire you?" Craig offered.

"Whoa, whoa!" Andy rolled back in his chair a bit, "Calm down, mo' ca-pee-tahn."

"We don't actually know anything," Dino explained, grinning, "But for not knowing anything, it sure is a nice way to make twenty dollars."

"You mean ten dollars."

"Ten?" Andy puzzled.

Craig held out his hand, "Do you guys like your cubicles by The Water Cooler?"

Dino sighed, dug in his pocket and handed Craig a ten.

"You're right," Craig grinned, walking away, "This isn't a bad way to make ten dollars..."

neXt week: Amy Johnson squeezes the truth out of Brandon in the conclusion to this little "mystery" escapade. Be there!


UPDATE!!! RELOAD COMPLETE!!!

The solicits have leaked, and since I'm a rating *working girl*...

ASTONISHING X-MEN #1
Written by JOSS WHEDON
Pencils & Cover by JOHN CASSADAY
"GIFTED" pt. 1 (of 6)
Dream-team creators JOSS WHEDON (creator of TV’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and JOHN CASSADAY (Planetary, CAPTAIN AMERICA) bring you the explosive #1 issue of the all-new flagship X-Men series! As part of X-MEN: RELOAD, this issue marks a return to classic greatness and the beginning of a brand-new era for the X-Men.
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR …$2.99
UPC: 5960605543-00111

(Whedon and Cassaday spoke with Wizard about the gig, and the brief article can be found here.)

UNCANNY X-MEN #444
Written by Chris Claremont
Pencils & Cover by Alan Davis
"THE END OF HISTORY" pt. 1 (of 4)
Beloved X-Men creators CHRIS CLAREMONT and ALAN DAVIS return to the series that started it all! New alliances are forged as old friendships are rekindled, but one thing is certain: The X-Men will never be the same!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR …$2.25
UPC: 5960602461-44411

X-MEN #157
Written by Chuck Austen
Pencils & Cover by Salvador Larroca
"DAY OF THE ATOM" pt. 1 (of 4)
UNCANNY X-MEN scribe CHUCK AUSTEN moves to X-MEN (formerly NEW X-MEN) to team up with new regular artist SALVADOR LARROCA as part of X-MEN: RELOAD!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR …$2.25
UPC: 5960601772-15711

New X-Men: Academy X #1
Written by NUNZIO DEFILIPPIS & Christina Weir
Pencils & Cover by RandY Green
"CHOOSING SIDES" pt. 1 (of 5)
For the young mutants at the Xavier Institute, life will never be the same! The children at the X-Mansion thought they had it tough when Professor X was running things – but now that X-Men Cyclops and Emma Frost have taken over the reins of the school, they're wishing for the simpler times of yesterday! Codenames, school-issued uniforms and mandatory training sessions in the Danger Room are just a few of the changes being implemented around the Institute – but when the entire student body is forced to divide itself up into small squads and "choose sides," Xavier's will never be the same again!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR …$2.99
UPC: 5960605544-00111


EXCALIBUR #1 & #2
Written by Chris Claremont
Penciled by Igor Kordey
Covers by ANDY PARK
"FORGING THE SWORD" pts. 1 & 2
The island of Genosha was once a thriving nation of mutants, built from the ground up by Magneto, the mutant Master of Magnetism. Then, one day, an apocalyptic attack killed every man, woman and child, and reduced an entire society to rubble within hours. Now, Professor Charles Xavier – legendary founder of the X-Men, and the man who dreams of peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants – has come to Genosha with one intention: to rebuild a nation from its ashes. This brand-new X-MEN: RELOAD series features stories and art from the creative team that brought you X-TREME X-MEN!
32 PGS. (each)/MARVEL PSR …$2.99 (each)
Issue #1 UPC: 5960605540-00111; #2: 5960605540-00211

The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: X-Men 2004
Featuring extensive diagrams and maps of the new X-Men Mansion, profiles on your favorite heroes, and exclusive behind-the-scenes X-MEN: RELOAD material that can only be seen here, The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe: X-Men 2004 is a must-have for any true Marvel fan.
48 PGS./Cardstock Cover/MARVEL PSR …$3.99
UPC: 5960605545-00111


DISTRICT X #1
Written by David Hine
Penciled by David Yardin
Cover by STEVE MCNIVEN
"MR. M" pt. 1 (of 6)
A new MARVEL KNIGHTS series! Welcome to Mutant Town, the dark corner of New York City where the long arm of the law has been severed clean. Here, the mutant population doesn’t sport GQ style or champagne dreams. They eke out each day in squalid tenement rows and filthy streets where only one man and one law can be trusted: the X-Man Bishop.
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR …$2.99
UPC: 5960605530-00111


EXILES #46 & #47
Written by Tony Bedard
Pencils & Covers by Mizuki Sakakibara
"EARN YOUR WINGS" pts. 1 & 2 (of 3)
There’s no rest for the weary when there are realities to save! After the devastating events of their last mission, the Exiles hope for a little downtime, only to find themselves ’ported directly into a none-too-friendly reception from the regular Marvel Universe! This X-MEN: RELOAD issue is a perfect jumping-on point, featuring the debut of new writer TONY BEDARD (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Negation) and the promotion of EXILES cover artist MIZUKI SAKAKIBARA to regular artist! Guest-starring the Fantastic Four and Beak from NEW-X-MEN!
32 PGS. (each)/MARVEL PSR …$2.99 (each)
Issue #46 UPC: 5960605108-04611; #47: 5960605108-04711


WEAPON X #23 & #24
Written by Frank Tieri
Penciled by TOM MANDRAKE
Covers by ANDY PARK
"WAR OF THE PROGRAMS" pts. 1 & 2 (of 3)
Featuring WOLVERINE and FANTOMEX! Writer FRANK TIERI and new regular artist TOM MANDRAKE take WEAPON X in an exciting new direction! What is the Weapon X Program? What is its relationship to the shadowy past of the most famous X-Man, Wolverine? And what did Wolverine recently learn about himself that threatens to destroy everything he believes in? Guest-starring FANTOMEX, these X-MEN: RELOAD issues serve as a great jumping-on point! Featuring covers by Tomb Raider artist Andy Park!
32 PGS. (each)/MARVEL PSR …$2.99 (each)
Issue #23 UPC: 5960605372-02311; #24: 5960605372-02411


MYSTIQUE #14 & #15
Written by Sean McKeever
Penciled by MANUEL GARCIA
Covers by Mike Mayhew
"UNNATURAL" pts. 1 & 2 (of 5)
When Mystique is sent to Europe to investigate a biotech company rumored to be using mutants as guinea pigs, she discovers a mystery far greater than anything she'd imagined! Join the new X-MEN: RELOAD creative team of SEAN McKEEVER (SENTINEL, The Waiting Place) and returning artist MANUEL GARCIA (AVENGERS) for this bold new adventure featuring everyone's favorite shape-shifting secret agent!
32 PGS. (each)/MARVEL PSR …$2.99 (each)
Issue #14 UPC: 5960605431-01411; #15: 5960605431-01511