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TOASTED!ZINE -- APRIL 04, MILLAR STEALS FROM DC, AND THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN?
[toasted!zine] – February 03, 2004
created by brandon schatz
[Inside: ]
- Boy, that be fine!
- Understanding woman and comics
- The Intern’s Den of Infinite Horrors
- More!
Ello, Ello, Ello
It’ll be a short little greeting thing for everyone this week. I just wanted to say a quick hello before going on with this week’s very large festivities, much of which was supposed to grace last week’s edition.
So, with that out of the way, it’s on to cruising for hotties at the comic shop, in this “very special” edition of toasted!, which seems to spend an unhealthy amount of time and effort looking at women and comic books. I would blame Ronée for this affixation, but truth be told, I’ve had these features planned before she started her incredibly well written and well spoken column, “What a Woman Wants”, premiered a few weeks ago.
So, I’ll catch you all later.
Stay lightly toasted!
-b.
Toasted! News Boxers Presents:
Comic Shop Hopping [April 2004]
Once a month, T!NB does away with all of the news crawling, and makes with the comic shop hopping. If a purdy comic should catch our eye, you best believe we’ll be taking it home so that we can “flip it’s pages”. But if an ugly one should “grace” our sights, out comes the reject stamp!
Added note for this month: Due to a snow storm that hit last week, we weren’t able to go to our local comic shop and pick up a copy of Previews so that we could better serve the public by giving you a quick look at the Indy comics that sound good. So, if you want some Marvel and DC then this is the place you want to be! However, if you want to cast a gander at the tinier projects, your best bet is to head on over to Craig “Hero of the Indy Comics” Reade’s very own Still on the Shelf website and column.
brandon: Good morning everybody, and welcome to T!NB’s Comic Shop Hopping Special for this month. I’m the unfittingly named ”B-Dog” (don’t ask…), and with me this and every other week is non other than the ever plesent Amy Johnson.
Amy: Before this thing starts, I’d like to point something out to all of the sick minded fanboys out there. I, am not a lesbian, and taking part in this, does not make me one.
brandon: Ratings killer…
Amy: Let’s just get this over with please.
brandon: Whatever you say…
First Stop: The Fortress of Funk-ditude
brandon: World renowned for it’s seventies motif and billed as the only place on earth where Superman gets his groove on, The Fortress of Funk-ditude boasts a good Kreamy Kryptonite Kooler and sells only DC Comics.
Amy: Which means there isn’t any of the swill that Marvel chooses to squeeze out of it’s pus encrusted orrifaces messing up the racks.
brandon: Please excuse me for this Valley Girl moment: Eww!
Amy: Hey. The truth hurts.
DC Picks
brandon’s Top Five:
I’ve got a few picks. And when I say a few, I do mean that. I’ve never been much of a DC fan, and probably never will be. But here’s the few things I will be picking up this week.
BATMAN: HARLEY & IVY #1
Written by Paul Dini; art by Bruce Timm and Shane Glines; painted cover by Timm
In stores April 28. The highly anticipated miniseries by Paul Dini & Bruce Timm - the superstar creators of Batman: The Animated Series - kicks off! A snafu by Harley sends Poison Ivy back to Arkham, and Ivy swears off working with Harley forever. But Harley won’t take no for an answer, so when Ivy breaks out and heads to South America, Harley’s right behind her. Oily politicians and cutthroat mercenaries abound!
FC, 32 pg. (1 of 3) $2.50
If I didn’t pick this up, I’m sure I’d have to hurt myself afterwards. Both Dini and Timm made the Batman: Animated Series something really special, and this can only be an extension of that greatness.
ROBIN #125
Written by Bill Willingham; art by Francisco Rodriguez de la Fuente and Aaron Sowd; cover by Jason Pearson
In stores April 21. Johnny Warlock’s plan of vengeance against Robin is set in motion - but that’s the least of the Boy Wonder’s problems! Tim Drake’s greatest fear has come to pass, as his secret identity has unraveled, casting a cloud of uncertainty over his future as Robin!
FC, 32 pg. $2.25
I picked up Robin because of Fables, a title that I haven’t even read. People told me to, and one day, I seriously plan on reading it. Someday. But until then, I can relish in Willingham’s tales here, as they have thus far been good, and show promise in picking up something fierce.
TEEN TITANS #10
Written by Geoff Johns; art and cover by Mike McKone and Marlo Alquiza
In stores April 14. Part 2 of the 5-part “Raven Rising!” The Teen Titans seek out the Cult of Brother Blood in an attempt to learn where Raven is being held against her will. But there’s someone else on the trail: a mercenary the Titans just had a run in with! Plus, see what makes the all-new Brother Blood the scariest villain in the DCU.
FC, 32 pg. $2.50
Although there is some continuity steeped into this serious, Geoff Johns has done some good things in the way of making this a title that I can understand and enjoy,and I’m sure this upcoming arc will prove to be an extension of that.
Y: THE LAST MAN #21
Written by Brian K. Vaughan; art by Goran Parlov and José Marzan, Jr.; painted cover by Aron Weisenfeld
In stores April 7. Wizard’s “Best Book of 2003” kicks off the 3-part story “Widow's Pass,” featuring guest artist Goran Parlov (Terminator 3: Before the Rise). Yorick, Agent #355, Dr. Mann and Ampersand hit the road again on their way to San Francisco, but a pitstop in a small town in Arizona finds them face-to-face with an anti-American (and heavily-armed) militia made up of female survivors. The militia believes that the U.S. government is responsible for the death of all men...and they might not be wrong.
MATURE READERS
FC, 32 pg. $2.95
I really, really like this book (dur!) and this upcoming arc looks like it could be a big chunk of discovering why all of the men died, and why Yorick was spared, despite his funny name.
[INSERT TITLE HERE]
by Writer person and art-eest
When I told you I didn’t read much DC, I meant it. Those titles will probably the only titles that I will be picking up, in the month of April, unless someone can get me buying something they like.
Good luck, though… DC doesn’t seem like my cup of tea.
Amy’s Top Five
BIRDS OF PREY #66
Written by Gail Simone; art by Michael Golden and Mike Manley; cover by Alex Toth
In stores April 21. A special issue featuring guest art by Michael Golden & Mike Manley, with a spectacular cover by the legendary Alex Toth! Canary discovers that a bizarre link to the past may have deadly consequences in the present, as she uncovers a time when the Golden Age Birds of Prey stalked a serial killer!
FC, 32 pg. $2.50
Gail Simone has done wonderful things with this title, and the (albeit temporary) departure of cheesecaker extraordinaire Banes can only make me like this book more.
GOTHAM CENTRAL #18
Written by Greg Rucka; art by Greg Scott; cover by Lark and Stefano Gaudiano
In stores April 14. As the cops of Gotham Central put their lives back together after the Joker’s assault, their hottest homicide case comes to a head! The connections to murders in a pharmaceutical company run much deeper than anyone imagined, and have attracted the attention of one of Gotham’s masked vigilantes. The bodies are piling up, and time’s running out!
FC, 32 pg. $2.50
BATMAN: GOTHAM CENTRAL TP
Written by Greg Rucka and Ed Brubaker; art and cover by Michael Lark
In stores April 28. Collecting the first five issues of the critically acclaimed series! After the gruesome murder of two cops, Gotham’s Special Crimes Unit is in a race against time to bring in Mister Freeze…without the help of the Dark Knight! Plus, a sketchbook by Michael Lark and an introduction by mystery grandmaster Lawrence Block.
FC. 128 pg. Trade paperback $9.95
Would you look at that? The perfect jumping on points for anyone who wants to get into Gotham Central. That better mean ALL OF YOU are picking these up, presently!
SUPERMAN #204
Written by Brian Azzarello; art and cover by Jim Lee and Scott Williams
In stores April 28. Fan favorites Brian Azzarello, Jim Lee & Scott Williams take on the Man of Steel in an extra-sized issue! As people around the world disappear, a new world threat tests Superman like never before reveals itself! Plus, the introduction of Father Leone, a figure who will play an important role in coming months.
FC, 40 pg. $2.50
Who in their right mind would not pick this up, if not for the pretty Jim Lee art, then for the ever-amazing Azzarello writing.
FABLES #24
Written by Bill Willingham; art by Mark Buckingham and Steve Leialoha; painted cover by James Jean
In stores April 14. Boy Blue has gone missing. Trouble is brewing up at the Farm. And Bigby is still out of town. Everything seems to be going haywire, but it gets even worse when Bigby finds something horrible at the Canada gate. The residents of Fabletown are about to get a seriously rude awakening when the brothers Hugh, Drew and Lou show up with a gun-toting ultimatum and the bodies begin to pile up.
MATURE READERS
FC, 32 pg. $2.50
This is the Willingham title everyone should be getting, especially if you ever wondered what would happen if the fairy tale characters you read about as a child weren’t so goody-goody.
DC Rejects
brandon’s Reject:
SUPERMAN #204
Written by Brian Azzarello; art and cover by Jim Lee and Scott Williams
In stores April 28. Fan favorites Brian Azzarello, Jim Lee & Scott Williams take on the Man of Steel in an extra-sized issue! As people around the world disappear, a new world threat tests Superman like never before reveals itself! Plus, the introduction of Father Leone, a figure who will play an important role in coming months.
FC, 40 pg. $2.50
I know the hype on this is incredible, but Superman has always seemed like a character who is too flawless to be real, believable, or the center of a good story, no matter who writes or draws it.
Amy’s Reject:
ROBIN #125
Written by Bill Willingham; art by Francisco Rodriguez de la Fuente and Aaron Sowd; cover by Jason Pearson
In stores April 21. Johnny Warlock’s plan of vengeance against Robin is set in motion - but that’s the least of the Boy Wonder’s problems! Tim Drake’s greatest fear has come to pass, as his secret identity has unraveled, casting a cloud of uncertainty over his future as Robin!
FC, 32 pg. $2.25
BATMAN: GOTHAM KNIGHTS #52
Written by A.J. Lieberman; art by Al Barrionuevo and Francis Portela; cover by Lee Bermejo
In stores April 21. For two months, Hush has tormented the Riddler. But now the Joker is stepping in, and when these arch-villains draw their lines in the sand, you can count on blood being spilled! Meanwhile, Batman, Robin, and Oracle desperately attempt to track Hush, but all their leads run into dead ends. And when the mysterious Tailor enters the picture carrying vital information that could shift Gotham's balance of power square into Hush's hands, things get even worse. All that and the Penguin, too!
FC, 40 pg. $2.95
It’s a tie for me, between the wasted talents that is Robin and the ugliness that is B:GK. In Robin, the often used plot device of having a character’s real identity is opened up and that can only spell disaster, while Batman: GOtham Knights boasts the all to early return of crappy villain Hush. Ugh. It’s like a bad idea convention over here…
Last Stop: Mighty Thor’s Cavalcade of Mead and Wenches
brandon: Just down the street from The Fortress of Funk-ditude, is this little Tavern, which is filled with all kinds of good old fashioned Viking-esque fun. Just as long as no one moves in a mysterious way, everybody is generally happy and content while they read the supplied Marvel Comics that are always on tap.
Amy: Hey look! It’s Bill Jemas, and he’s serving drinks! So that’s where he went to…
Marvel Picks
brandon’s Top Five:
SPIDER-MAN #1
Written by Mark Millar
Covers & pencils by Terry Dodson
Superstars Mark Millar & Terry Dodson team for Spider-Man's debut in an ongoing [Marvel Knights series. This action-packed, hyper-realistic tale finds Peter Parker forced to face the cruel realities that wearing the Spider-Man mask and web-shooters brings to his personal life.
Featuring a brutal confrontation between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
Millar? Good. Dodson? Good. Spider-Man? Good. MillsonDodar Man Spider… Thing? Can only be good.
ULTIMATES VOLUME 2 #1
Written by Mark Millar
Cover & pencils by Bryan Hitch
One year has passed since the Chitauri invasion and much has changed inside the corridors of the Triskelion, leading to questions about Iron Man's health, Thor's "godhood" and the relationship between Cap and the Wasp(?)! Ultimates Volume 2 focuses on the global reaction to the team, and the burgeoning new super heroes and super-teams like the Ultimate Defenders and Ultimate Captain Britain popping up all over the world!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR+…$2.99
I hope that the $2.99 charge is just a typo, but either way, I’ll be picking up this. Ultimates is one of those titles I’m not afraid to show the “guys” that I hang out with. You probably have “guys” who’d enjoy this explosive movie like stuff too.
DAREDEVIL: FATHER #1 (of 5 LS)
Written, illustrated & cardstock cover by Joe Quesada
Inks by Danny Miki, color by Richard Isanove
In celebration of Daredevil's 40th Anniversary! Marvel Editor-in-Chief and acclaimed writer of NYX Joe Quesada makes his long-awaited return to the drawing board after nearly four years for a very special and very personal DD tale. For the first time writing AND illustrating, DD legend Quesada crafts a mystery set during the deadliest heat wave in NYC history. A serial killer is on the loose pushing a city already past its breaking point over the edge, and Daredevil must battle the heat and fear to keep a crumbling Hell's Kitchen together… by any means necessary!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$3.50
I loved the look of Quesada’s Daredevil, and his writing on NYX has been very good too. Here’s hoping this is a good meshing of the two.
RUNAWAYS #14
Written by Brian K. Vaughan
Pencils by Adrian Alphona
Cover by Jo Chen
"THE GOOD DIE YOUNG" pt. 2 (of 2)
The Runaways have learned how their parents' villainous organization began, and now they must decide how it should end. Plus: more clues as to which Runaway is actually a mole, loyal to the evil Pride!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
This is the title everyone should be getting. The intrigue and etcetera that is steeped in this title is just incredible, and it can only go up from here.
FANTASTIC FOUR #512
Written by Mark Waid
Cover & pencils by Mike Wieringo
"SPIDER SENSE" pt. 1 (of 2)
The FF have a lot to answer for in the aftermath of Authoritative Action ... and when you're trying to regain the trust of cynical New Yorkers, is allying with a certain misunderstood wall-crawler a wise move?
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.25
It’s ’Ringo back on Spider-Man! That would be admission enough, but with Waid’s great writing added to the mix, I’m one happy camper.
Amy’s Top Five:
FANTASTIC FOUR #512
Written by Mark Waid
Cover & pencils by Mike Wieringo
"SPIDER SENSE" pt. 1 (of 2)
The FF have a lot to answer for in the aftermath of Authoritative Action ... and when you're trying to regain the trust of cynical New Yorkers, is allying with a certain misunderstood wall-crawler a wise move?
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.25
Waid has done so many magnificent things on this title, that I almost cried when Thing died. And all you fanboy’s laughing out there shouldn’t be laughing at me. I know you were actually brought to tears.
CAPTAIN MARVEL #22
Written by Peter David
Pencils by Aaron Lopresti
Cover by ChrissCross
"ODYSSEY" pt. 4 (of 6)
Captain Marvel continues to defend future Earth against the Shi'ar/Kree/Skrull armada. But is the cure worse than the condition?
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
This is by far, one of Marvel’s most underrated titles, and is in desperate need of a boost in sales, and since part one of this story arc just came out, you should go out and buy it. Now.
DAREDEVIL #59
Written by Brian Michael Bendis
Cover & pencils by Alex Maleev
"THE KING OF HELL's KITCHEN" pt. 4
Faced with the growing threat of the Yakuza, Matt Murdock is on the comeback trail as he teams up with some of NYC's toughest heroes to take the fight back!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
If I could marry Bendis, I wouldn’t do it, because… well, I’m a little too young for him (I’m only 18) but I wouldn’t mind it if he became my best friend and let me in on all of his little Daredevil secrets.
SUPREME POWER #9
Written by J. Michael Straczynski
Cover & pencils by Gary Frank
The world is still shaking from the titanic battle of Hyperion and Dr. Spectrum. Is Earth big enough for two such powerful beings? And who is Power Princess? Find out here!
32 PGS./PARENTAL ADVISORY…$2.99
This story is just incredible in so many ways, and the slow burn makes the stakes seem like they’re raised as time passes slowly.
MYSTIQUE #13
Written by Brian K. Vaughan
Pencils by Michael Ryan
Cover by Mike Mayhew
Shape-shifting super-spy Mystique has a secret, and so does her tiny field handler, Shortpack. Will these two mutants be able to protect the skeletons in their closets AND help each other survive a death-defying mission?
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
Vaughan is a wonderful writer, and I love what he’s done with Mystique. Despite the obvious cheesecake qualities about her, she is a strong independent woman who doesn’t take crap from no one, and I like that. Good on Marvel.
Marvel Rejects
brandon’s Reject:
ALPHA FLIGHT #2
Written by Scott Lobdell
Covers & pencils by Clayton Henry
"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME" pt. 2
Now that he's assembled the All-New, All-Different Alpha Flight squad, what's Sasquatch going to do with them? Plus: Learn the secret origins of Canada's newest supergroup!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
I was almost shocked when I saw the solicitation to this issue. Because after last issue’s solicitation, I though Marvel would just cut the crap and say “we don’t like Canadians, but here’s a series about them anyhow!”
Amy’s Reject:
SPIDER-MAN #1
Written by Mark Millar
Covers & pencils by Terry Dodson
Superstars Mark Millar & Terry Dodson team for Spider-Man's debut in an ongoing [Marvel Knights series. This action-packed, hyper-realistic tale finds Peter Parker forced to face the cruel realities that wearing the Spider-Man mask and web-shooters brings to his personal life.
Featuring a brutal confrontation between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin!
32 PGS./MARVEL PSR…$2.99
Although the solicitation doesn’t say so, Millar has gone on record as saying this title will focus on someone discovering Spider-Man’s secret identity, while a villain is re-envisioned in each issue of this twelve part story arc. Which just goes to prove that Millar might never work for DC ever again, but that doesn’t stop him from stealing their ideas and claiming their his own.
brandon: And so ends our little trip to the comic bars and whatnot. I hope you join us next month, and until then, enjoy the regular editions of Toasted! News Boxers.
Don’t forget to stick around for the other features below. We’ll see you later.
Crank!
[comics, women, and other reasons why I don’t have a girlfriend]
I’d like to say that I understand women, and I’d like to say that comic books will one day help me do this. However, for the time being, I can’t see either of those two things becoming any sort of reality. Not at least in the immediate future.
You see, it has come to my attention, that women are generally very fickle creatures. Or at least that has been my experience. One moment, they want one thing, and then in another, their mind can completely turn around, and you can go from being the kindest person in the world, to being thrown out of her house and/or life, depending on the degree of the mind tilt. Your life can literally turn to crap in an instant.
And yes, I have recently been dumped. You are a very astute person, whoever you are.
But for the moment, let’s forget about that. Instead, let’s skip ahead a few moments to the day that I, in my infinite quest to get my then-girlfriend to read a little something called Blankets. For those of you out of the know, Blankets is an incredibly deep and heartfelt graphic novel (and yes, in this case, it is actually the size of a novel) about first loves, faith and what the passage of time can do to both. The book is written and illustrated by a very talented person named Craig Thompson who naturally poured his heart and soul into the end product and as such, Blankets will draw you in and make you want to share it with the others around you.
Others that may or may not include your significant other. And in my case, obviously, this involved my girlfriend.
Well, after I spent the over forty dollars Canadian it costs up here (for the second time) to get a copy for my girlfriend, and after I gave it to her, she gave me smile and a little look that said, “You shouldn’t have.”
That was before she opened it up and saw pictures.
Her look went from “You shouldn’t have” to “You shouldn’t have” in a split second. But I knew that was going to happen. When dealing with comic books, it always does, as the general public doesn’t realize that the medium has grown from being some sort of shameless entertainment, to an art form and an even greater form of shameless entertainment. The kind that you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be caught reading, because you just know that if someone catches you reading it and takes the time to actually look at the thing, they will find it to be (to their horror/amusement) “cool”.
So anyway, I had come prepared for that moment. I told her that all she had to do, was read the first chapter. And if, after that, she thought it was childish, or not worth her time, she could stop and give it back to me, and I wouldn’t push the matter any further.
Needless to say, she went home and read the thing, cover to cover. And loved it. She phoned me to tell me as much.
So naturally, I was elated. I had successfully introduced a new reader to comics books, and I wouldn’t have to face the possible indignity of her “finding out” and dumping me for being childish. Things were good. Until about an hour later.
She phoned me back. And she told me that she thought about what she had read, and was unhappy with me. She was beginning to think about certain events in the book, and was trying to relate them to her life. The results were not pretty. Not for me anyway.
In the course of one hour, and two phone calls, I had gone from being king of my corner of reality, to being God’s personal cat toy that he had just chewed the head off of.
I spent the next few hours brooding a bit and muttering nonsense when friends and family asked why I was in such a bad mood. Eventually, they figured out that I had been dumped, and asked why.
For the life of me, I couldn’t bring myself to say the reason.
It was a comic book. A graphic novel. It had done this to me. It had destroyed me. And I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I did tell them this.
Would they actually read the book? Would this tragedy pique their interest and make them delve into the medium? Or would it cause them to believe that nothing good can come from comics.
I didn’t (and still don’t) know. And so, I haven’t told them. I’ve just given them some BS reason, and they have swallowed it easily enough.
But still… the question arrises: just how powerful are comics in our everyday life. Do the actions of superheroes and the other non-superhero people we read about affect us as deeply as we realize? I’ve come to the conclusion that they do. *Heck*, if they can break up a relationship with one fell swoop, what’s to say they aren’t engrained in our actions and in our reactions to the things that life throws our way.
What’s to say that I will now always have a belief that women, and my life of reading comic books shall never meet, and will never co-exist?
Right now, there isn’t really anything. But I sure hope that my comic “addiction” hasn’t gotten that deep. Hopefully, I can create a good enough wedge between realities and fictions. And hopefully, you can too.
-b.
next week
Well, naturally, that does it for another edition of toasted!. For those of you who want to know the “events” that go into the making of one of these, continue reading after this little spiel of coming attractions and good-byes for a look behind the zines.
And whether you read beyond this point or not, make sure you comment, comment, COMMENT on anything you have read above that has grabbed you, funny or serious. Reaction is what makes the world go ‘round…
Join us again next week for another shot of Toasted! News Boxers, another Crank, and a behind the ‘zines, and until then…
Stay lightly toasted!
-b.
[behind the ‘zines]
The events depicted in behind the ‘zines aren’t actually real, especially considering the fact that a comiXtreme HQ, and the city of Nanuktuk actually do not exist, and most likely never will. Most of the characters in the following, are also fake. And before anyone thinks I’m being mean to Andrea, she herself will claim to being fairly masculine. No, seriously.
Keep all this in mind.
“Excuse me sir, but you can’t go in their.”
Brandon Schatz stopped dead in his tracks and sis a quick double take. There was a secretary of sorts guarding the door to the comiXtreme E-I-C’s office.
“Since when did Doug have a secretary?” Brandon asked.
“Never,” the girl explained, “I’m an intern. Not like you’d notice us ‘lowly’ interns.”
Brandon’s face burst into a fit of laughter, “I just spent an hour banging the back of my head against my office door, as I sat and waited for it to be opened by Darren Clarke, the intern who lives in my office. He refused to open the door citing a fear of a certain lumberjack smacking around with her axe. So before you peg me as someone who just… ignores the interns, check to see if that someone has been damaging his brain long enough to forget how to say the word ‘animal’, just[i/] because of an intern.”
“You [i]just said the word ‘animal’ perfectly fine.”
“Maybe I couldn’t say it before, and now I can,” Brandon muttered exasperatedly, “Now. Why can’t I go and see Doug?”
“You have to make an appointment,” she said off-handedly before adding a more emphasized, “You’re that columnist who got fired for having the hots for Meagan Clarke, aren’t you?”
Brandon closed the eyes and rubbed his temples, “No. I’m the columnist who got fired, and had – has the ‘hots’ for Meagan. Aminal. See? I told you.”
The intern raised an eyebrow and uttered a quick, “You did that on purpose.”
“I did not,” Brandon protested, before yelling an exasperated, “Look, obviously this is getting me nowhere fast so… unless you prove to have some sort of secret passageway that can get me into my office, I’m leaving.”
“Ac-tually,” the girl said as Brandon began to turn his back, “I believe I can help you out.”
A few moment’s later…
“Where are you taking me?” Brandon asked as the intern at Doug’s door led him by the hand down a case of spiral stairs.
“We sophisticates all it ‘going down stairs’,” she explained sarcastically.
“Well, I know where we’re going, I don’t need to know that,” Brandon grumbled, “I just need to know… where we’re uh… we’re… going…”
“And you wonder why you got fired from your column…” she muttered incoherently.
“What did you say?”
“I SAID, ‘AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR COLUMN’,” the girl yelled.
“Oh. So… are you going to tell me where these stairs are leading, or are you just taking me to a secret room so that you can have your freaky way with me?”
“Please,” she smiled, “Get over yourself. Here we are!”
They reached the bottom of the stairs. In front of them, down a four foot long hallway, was a door that had a lopsided piece of paper attached to it.
Brandon shook the girl’s hand off of his and walked up to the door.
“Be-ware-the-ain-chent-pit-of-in-fin-ate-hor-rors,” Brandon read, “What the—“
“Oh, God,” the girl shook her head. She pounded on the door, “Greg, I told you not to put that lame, geeky fanboy sign on the door!”
“Whom durst speakith to the Grand and Powerful Gregory the Gregarious in such a smarmy tone?” a guy’s voice erupted from the room.
“It’s Amy, you freak, now open the door!”
It swung open inwards, and a guy dressed in a lavish purple robe greeted them, “Ah, a woman! What news have you brought from the outside, fair wench?”
Amy turned her head towards Brandon as they walked in and extended her arm out towards the robed guy as if she were presenting him and said, “This is Greg Simmons. He alone is the reason why comic book readers are dismissed as geeky.”
“Speak no more of your foul words, woman. Should you not be guarding Lord Douglas’ Fortress of Editoriality instead of gallivanting about with this taudry upper-classman?”
Brandon took a step back and found himself against a wall. The room was very small, whatever it was.
“You think I’m taudry?” Brandon asked, slightly uncomfortable, “Um… ew. Please… forgive me if I don’t call you ‘saucy’.”
“I have somebody on it, Greg,” Amy explained, “And please. Stop talking like such a half tard.”
“Maybe you should stop talking like a half tard,” Greg muttered to himself, ruffling his robe angrily.
“Excuse me?”
“Verily!”
“See, that’s how you respond to someone who didn’t hear you insult them,” Brandon explained,” Now… where are we?”
“The intern’s break room,” Amy explained with an insincere smile, “Quaint, isn’t it?”
The room was incredibly cramped and dirtier than Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Christina Agulara put together. The white fold out table was dingy and lopsided and the lawn chairs that were obviously substituting for real ones had torn piece of plastic fibers stringing off everywhere. There was an old brown microwave that look that cheese and grease were it’s best friend off on a tiny counter, and beside this, was a tiny green fridge that had two long strips of duct tape holding the door in place.
“All it needs is a rat and you have yourselves your own cozy corner of hell,” Brandon muttered.
“Actually, the vile creature you speak of lives in yonder hole,” Greg pointed into a corner.
“We call him Crackers,” Amy explained, “Darren named him that because he thinks he’s a white rat who thinks he’s a black one.”
“Well, that sounds like Darren,” Brandon muttered, “Speaking of, where is he, and how is going down here going to help me get back into my office?”
“In commmiiiinnng!” came a shout from above.
Brandon looked upwards in time to see Darren Jess slide down a hole and onto the table in the center of the room. He had his back towards Brandon.
“What… the hell?” Brandon uttered.
At the sound of this, Daren leapt to the ground and yelled, “Oh my God!” Who’s the psycho that let Andrea Speed find this place? I swear, Greg, if it was you, I’ll shove ‘yon’ verily’ straight up your green-friggen’-sleaves.”
“Darren, keep your pants on. Literally,” Brandon muttered, “It’s me. Brandon. Andrea is still upstairs, threatening Scott Williams with an ancient lumberjack torture if he doesn’t get writing his reviews quicker, and I’d be kidding you if I told you that I would rather be watching that then trying to get into my office.”
Darren slowly turned around and peered his eyes over the table, “Well I’ll be a spankin’ in a hot and heavy threesome, it is you! Jeeze, was that really you banging your head against the door for that hour?”
“Aminal,” Brandon stated simply.
Darren winced, “Ouch. Sorry, buddy.”
‘Um… yeah, anyway… why did you come through the ceiling?” Brandon asked.
“Oh, well, that’s an easy question,” Darren grinned, pulling up a plastic lawn chair, “Obviously, I’m afraid to open the door because Andrea Speed wants to… well, kill me, I guess. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that she looked so feminine…”
“You think?” Brandon asked exasperatedly, pulling up the sturdiest looking chair to sit in himself, “Why on earth would you say such a thing, Darren?”
Darren grinned widely and gave a wink to Amy and said, “Because danger is my middle name.”
Amy rolled her eyes and uttered, “For the last time, Darren, no matter what you do or what you say, I will still think of you as more of a dirty, inbred cousin rather than someone I’m remotely attracted to.”
“Hey, incest is best,” Darren pointed and winked at Amy, “Keep it in the family.”
Greg roared with boisterous laughter, Brandon smiled slightly and shook his head and Amy crossed her arms and jutted her hip out in a ‘don’t mess with me’ fashion.
“Brr…” Darren said, “Icy all over!”
Amy scowled. Brandon took that as a sign to interject.
“So… about getting into my office… how do I go about doing that exactly?”
Darren smiled.
“Up and in,” he said.
“Up and in?”
Darren pointed upwards, “Up and in.”
“That’s how I have to get to my office?”
“Well, what did you expect?” Darren questioned, “Just to be able to waltz through the front door? Well let me tell you something, buster. You don’t even know how to waltz, so obviously, there will be no waltzing.”
Brandon opened his mouth and found himself at a loss for words for a few seconds. However, as time passed, these words crossed his lips, “So… what you’re trying to say is… I have to come downstairs and climb on a table in the interns lounge, to get into my office, that I have been kind enough to let you live in.”
“Yep,” Darren smiled, propping his feet up on the table, “That sounds about right.”
“And I’m letting this happen because…”
“I promise not to take my pants off in your presence for three months.”
“Deal.”
neXt week: You’ve heard about her and now, Brandon meets Meagan for the first time since he’s been re-hired. See what all the cuh-rayzee tension is about in seven!
The above featured opinions that are not affiliated with anyone at comiXtreme, but Brandon Schatz’ and if you want to break someone’s legs for the preceeding, it should be his. Not that he’s giving you permission. Because he’s not. Stop looking at him with that glint in your eye.
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