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TOASTED!ZINE -- SUPERMAN IN APRIL (and more...)
toasted!zine – January 20, 2004
created by brandon schatz
Inside This Issue:
- Why I Don't Like Bob Kane
- Working Girls and the "Men" Who Love Them
- Back in Action!!!
- More!
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello
Yes, that is correct. You are reading toasted! for the second consecutive week. I know. I'm as shocked as you are, but if I can help it, you'll be reading this little column every single week. Why? Well, there are two answers to that question. Answer one: because I care (awww...). Answer two: I like getting paid. *ahem*
Anyhoo, this week we got buckets of goodies for you. Toasted News Boxers will dish the dirt on all things comics in a way that News Briefs just can't satisfy, and two all new features are here to fill your mind. The first, is a little somethin' somethin' I like to call "Crank", which will feature the opinions of myself, and the peanut gallery that is the opinionated fanboys [and girl(s)], and the second is something called "behind the zines", which you can find out about later.
So, grab a chair, put your legs up in a PG kinda' way, and enjoy this edition of toasted!.
-b.
Toasted News Boxers
Broadcasting across the world from Studio 8¼ in Nanuktuk Center, it's Toasted News Boxers, with brandon schatz and Amy Johnson.
brandon: Hello and welcome to Toasted News Boxers. Here are this week's top stories.
Amy: Indy comic heavyweight Craig Thompson (Blankets, a must read for everyone) will return to the world of comics with another über-graphic novel called "Habibi is Drowning", tentatively planned to reach the comic shops sometime in 2005. The story is going to take place in the pseudo-Middle East, and the main characters are said to be child slaved, a eunuch, and a prostitute who will go on to have a very unconventional romance (I am not making this up, people!)
Now, I don't know about you, but I'm saddened by the thought that a working girl and a man who has lost his manhood can't have a conventional relationship. Is this the twenty-first century or what, you dirty commies you.
brandon: Rumors around the internet suggest that the re-launch of the Superman titles in April will feature three different realities running through the three different core titles, via the continuity set up after the Godspell arc that runs through February and March. This set up will supposedly allow Brian Azzerello and Jim Lee to tell darker tales in which Lois Lane is no longer with the living world. Also, it is supposed to set up a big year end crossover between the titles in which the three different "Supermen" duke it out.
And even before the big seventy-millionth Superman "restart" has begun, I can hear the jokes being made about Green Superman...
Amy: And that's the kind of week it's been. From all of us here at Toasted News Briefs, I'm Amy Johnson, saying don't even try looking for this feature in next week's edition, as brandon and I will be wadding through all the new releases coming out in April so that you can figure out what to spend your precious, precious money on.
brandon: If it were up to me, you'd just give it all to me.
Amy: ...good night everybody.
Crank!
This week: Why I Hate Bob Kane
by brandon schatz
I don't pretend to know much about DC Comics, mainly because I haven't even said so much as "Boo" to one of their comics in the comic shop until very recently. However, I do know enough to get me by. I know that at one time, Hal Jordan was the Green Lantern, and that some punk named Kyle came and made quite a few people angry. I know that Robin is now a kid named Tim Drake, and that the original Robin is now this gritty half-Batman half-sidekick creature called Nightwing.
I also know who created Batman, and I'm also quite animate when I say Bob Kane doesn't deserve all the credit he gets for the character's creation, when all along, someone else was doing everything for him. Quite literally.
Way, way back when, a few months after Superman was proving to be a huge moneymaker for DC (then known as National Periodical Publications), the bigwigs at the company commissioned Bob Kane to create the next big superhero. After some deliberation, Kane came up with Batman, who wore red tights, a Zorro mask, and had real bat wings. Unhappy with what he had produced for an image, yet still enamored with the idea of a "bat man", Kane took the idea to a man named Bill Finger, who refined the character's look into the version that appeared in Detective Comics #27, which was written by Finger himself.
Now, when Kane took the refined "Batman" to DC, the response was so positive that Kane immediately hired a bunch of big time lawyers to make sure that his stake in the character was undisputed, and eventually, a deal was struck. Right from Batman's first appearance, Kane would be credited as the creator of the character, and for a good chunk of all of the early Batman tales, the credits read nothing more than by Bob Kane. There never was a mention of Bill Finger, who wasn't even paid by DC until the seventh Batman story he had written. Before that seventh issue, Bill had been paid by Kane, and Finger, coming from a poor background, was just happy to be writing and earning money.
He didn't seek anything else, other than the meager wages Bob and DC allowed, and neither offered a raise, nor one bit of credit. Eventually, Finger would slink off into the shadows, un-credited for his work on Batman, and for creating both The Joker and Robin.
By now you've probably guessed that I am none too happy with Mr. Kane for not giving his buddy Bill a larger piece of the Batman pie. Those of you who hadn't figured that out, I suggest that you take another gander at the title of this rant and smack yourself around a little bit. I don’t like Bob Kane. Not one bit. And it's not just because he didn't give Bill a little more of what should have been coming to him. It's because (and there is documentation of this) Finger worshiped the ground Kane walked on, and Kane let him, all the while harshly screwing Finger over. In my mind, that just isn't right.
If you create a character, or even help create something, you should get CREDIT for it. You should get a share of whatever you helped build, and you shouldn't get royally shagged up the wazzoo, just because your partner was greedy and conniving enough to make sure all future credit would be his or hers.
But then again, that's just what I think.
b.
Next Week!
And so, we reach the end once again. For those of you looking for that other feature I talked about, be patient. It is coming after this look at what is coming next week, for reasons that will soon become very apparent to all of you.
In the meantime, if something said in Toasted News Boxers or Crank! has made you laugh with laughter or ang with anger, make sure you scroll down and POST YOUR THOUGHTS before you forget them! We loves us some good ol' fashioned feedback.
And do you know what we love more than feedback? HELP! If you want to write some Crank!, or have an idea for a toasted!feature that you just might want to write on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, then drop us a line! Oh, and if you are so angry with what was said in this week's Crank, be sure to send a nice and detailed e-mail to us at losttoast@hotmail.com . If your argument has a little more substance than "you guys sux bi gtime", then YOU, yes YOU will have your opinions featured in next week's Toasted!
If, however, we decide not to use your submission, fear not. We will e-mail you with a reason why we decided not to.
Now, you're probably wondering what is going to be happening next week, right? Rrriight. Well, as mentioned above the staff here at toasted!zine are going to go through the April 2004 solicitations and give you our picks and comments, and I'm pretty sure we'll have another edition of Crank!, as well as another edition of the feature below.
So until next time kiddies...
Stay lightly toasted.
-b.
Behind the Zines
Behind the Zines is a fictional look at what goes on at the comiXtreme HQ, which is located in the fictional city of Nanuktuk, California. The way certain people are depicted in this feature are not necessarily accurate, except in the case that the character featured is fictional.
Also, this being a fictional piece means that it doesn't *really* appear in this column post. As it is fictional. As in not real. Not real. That's how the people in the following don't even care about what is written here. Crazy, huh?
"Re-hired," Brandon whispered gleefully as he walked through the doors of the comiXtreme HQ for the first time since he had been (you guessed it) re-hired.
"Gooooood morning, Ben," Brandon greeted the receptionist.
"Bite me," Ben replied, curtly, adjusting his headset in the most rueful way possible.
"Excuse me?" Brandon asked, being slightly taken aback. He and Ben had been pretty palsy from the get-go, so this little outburst seemed a bit odd.
"I said bite me," Ben spat, "I bet you think you're pretty hot stuff after getting your job back, just like that, doncha?' Well, let me tell you something, hotshot. I used to run this place, but then, all of the sudden, the investors decided that I wasn't pulling my own weight. And when I begged for a second chance, they gave me this crap hole position. You can work your way up, they said. If you show initiative, you'll get a promotion, they said.
"LIES!" Ben yelled, pointing a finger in the air pointedly "ALL OF THEM LIES!"
Brandon made a wide, uncomfortable circle around Ben's desk, all the while keeping an eye on the now-obscenity muttering receptionist until he was out of Ben's throwing distance.
"Poor Ben Grimly," Brandon muttered, shaking his head slowly.
A few seconds later, Brandon emerged from the narrow entrance hallway and entered the large, main portion of cX Central. In the center of the large, busy space, were several cubicles that had been filled with news monkeys and forum moderators, all of whom were going nuts on the keyboard, while talking to Joe or Jane Co-Worker who worked in a cubicle near to them. Surrounding these little cubicles of bustling energy, were many, many offices. Real ones. With doors, carpet and everything. These offices housed all of the "higher ups", as in all the editors, multi-title reviewers, and columnists.
Heh, Brandon thought to himself. For the amount of work the news monkeys and mods do, they should have the offices. Oh well. More space for me.
He walked up to his office door (Just two left from the entrance hall) and stuck his key into the lock. It slid in smoothly, but absolutely refused to turn.
Brandon swore all too loudly, to which a passing Craig Reade (the newsroom ed) 'tsk'ed and added, "All ages site, Brandon. Best watch your mouth."
Brandon made a face at Craig behind his back and that was when a voice from inside the office yelled, "Get away from the door, Andrea, or else I'll sic my leprechauns on you, you dirty lumberjack wannabe."
Immediately, Brandon recognized the voice as Darren Jess'. Darren was one of a few interns who worked at comiXtreme, but was the only one who lived inside of the building. In Brandon's office to be precise.
"Darren, open the door," Brandon muttered with exasperation, "It's me. Brandon. Andrea in her big Reviewer Editor office, with the door open. I can see her from here."
"Like hell you are!" Darren replied, "I'd know the sound of your deep and husky voice anywhere!"
"Darren..."
"Troubles getting in?" a voice from behind Brandon asked.
Immediately, Brandon's veins filled with venom. He recognized the sound as Scott Williams' cocky droll, to which he had learned to hate immensely.
"Get away from me Scott," Brandon growled, trying the lock again.
Scott laughed, "You know, you might be daddy's little princess, and he might give you anything you want, but... I'm not your daddy, although I've heard stories about you wanting me to be, so... I don't think I can grant your request."
Brandon whirled around angrily and uttered, "Scott, I am trying to get into my office. I don't need you taunting me right now, and I don't really want to clock you right in that smug little face of yours, so please. Go. Now."
Scott stepped a half step closer and casually muttered, "You know... I'm trying to figure out what to give Meagan for her birthday. It is coming up, you know. Oh wait, that's right. Of course you know. You were only stalking her—"
"I wasn't stalking her."
"—for about three months, sending her ridiculous secret admirer notes—"
"I didn't send her any secret admirer notes."
"—only to have me swoop in and take all that sweetness away from you."
"You stole my poem and you used it to get her, you pompous little ah—"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Scott said, putting his arms up in a 'why are you attacking me' sort of way. He took another half step closer, "What's with the accusations? You can't prove I did any of that. And even if you could. What good would it do you? Obviously, Meagan prefers a man who can take care of her and is confident enough to actually ask her out."
"Scott, you know I could tell Meagan what you did, and eventually, she'd believe it," Brandon told him, pointing a finger in Scott's face, "She works for me. Eventually, after I talked to her enough, she'll trust my version of things more than she'll trust yours."
"Oh, that's right," Scott chuckled, "You don't know. Meagan works for me now. You see, after you got fired, she decided she wanted to work for someone who has a legitimate column, and not some... weird drivel crapfast like yours."
"You write a parody column! There is no integrity to what you write!" Brandon fumed.
"One man's opinion. But the fact still remains," Scott continued, "You can't get to her anymore. Not without me knowing. And if you do even mutter the slightest syllable about me supposedly setting things up to take her away from you, I'll have you fired."
"You can't do that," Brandon growled.
"Oh, but I can," Scott grinned menacingly, "Jason has made me his Assistant Editor. Which means if I need to... oh, I don't know... cut off your pay for causing unneeded tension in the office, I'll so it."
"How did you manage to get Jason to promote you like that?"
"I'm a very convincing person," Scott explained, "I can lie sensationally when I need to get my way, and when Jason began to think about promoting someone so that he could get some help editing the columns, I convinced him that his first choice... some guy named Ben Grimly... wasn't interested in the job. And guess who choice number two was?"
"I don't know," Brandon muttered darkly, "You?"
"No, actually, it was Blake, but I sent Blake on a wild goose chase," Scott explained, "I told him that the Ed-In-Chief, Doug, wanted him to take over Toasted! for a while. The experience was not kind to him, and he was deemed to unstable to take the job. And so then I asked Jason if I could take the job. And here I am."
Brandon ground his teeth.
"Well, I got to go meet Meagan," Scott grinned, "We have a lunch date and I don't want to be late."
"I will get you Scott. Eventually, I'll bring you down," Brandon vowed.
"Mmm. Right. Well, despite how gay that sounds, I'm going to leave you with that fantasy while you try and get into your office," Scott grinned, "Please don't look at my butt when I leave, though. I have a reputation to uphold."
And Scott left.
Brandon banged a fist on the door and suppressed the urge to scream obscenities at the top of his lungs.
"I don't care how hard you bang on the door, Andrea!" Darren yelled, "I'm still not letting you in the room."
Inside his mind, Brandon saw his head explode. The image seemed to calm him a bit as it almost made him chuckle. He put his back to the door and slid down to a sitting position and managed to mutter a, "Darren, please. Just let me in. The day's been bad enough all ready."
"Not a chance, she-male!" Darren exclaimed.
Brandon hung his head in defeat and muttered, "Welcome back, Brandon... welcome back."
brandon schatz is a proud member of comiXtreme, and will tell you as much if you ask him (suck up!). He also writes a web comic which will soon be moved to his own site in the near future. Check out the two that are on right now, and come back whenever I post a new one (the dates will be announced after each new comic is produced).
Everything preceeding this is either brandon's own opinions, and not the opinions of anyone else affiliated with this site, or (in the case of Behind the Zines only) a work of complete fiction. Both should not be taken too seriously.
Thank you. |
