The Gamer’s Quagmire #63: The Inaugural All-Uninspirational Gaming Awards
Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less
by Jamison DeLorenzo
One of the great ideas that I have supported for a long time, the Ironic Punishment Division, is something I find myself wanting to write about multiple times per year. While it always felt like a genuinely funny idea, it never felt like a legitimate one until its appearance in Halloween Special IV on the Simpsons. The only time this idea has worked its way into any of these articles to date was when doling out ‘appropriate’ punishments in a lawsuit several years ago during one of the many media-grabbing lawsuits involving video games and a shooting.
There has not been anything recently that has prompted me to want to repeat this type of article, thankfully, but I feel like there have been a lot of strange reports in the gaming industry that makes me believe that writing such an article is the right thing to do. As such, this week’s edition of the Quagmire is an amalgam of recent events and how I perceive them. While they’re not necessarily punishments they are in a similar vein.
(In other words, there isn’t any one topic this week that is remotely grabbing my interest on any deep level)
The Developers Arms Race:
EA purchases BioWare and Pandemic. Activision purchases Blizzard. Now EA is going after Take Two. Correct me if I’m wrong, but God didn’t smile too kindly down on the Tower of Babel, right? There must be a serious inferiority complex in the industry if all these developers are being sucked up by the industry juggernauts. I mean - there does not seem to be anything to stop these two companies from being bitter enemies and swallowing the industry whole. How can this be a good thing?
At what point would either EA or Activision be satisfied with the amount of developers under their respective iron fists? Why do developers like BioWare or Blizzard feel like it is in their best interest to work for these companies? Blizzard has to be, almost literally, swimming in money with World of Warcraft being the success that it is. What can their motivation possibly be?
This trend scares me a lot, as I’m sure it does many people. If over $150 million dollars gross isn’t enough to stay relatively independent then how much trouble is the industry in?
Solution: It is time to implement some Tyler Durden justice here. No no, nothing violent! Every one of these conglomerate developers needs to be leveled back to ground zero and they all need to start over. The gaming industry produced a lot more interesting fruits when everyone was smaller and competing with each other. It’s true that development costs are much higher now, but every company already has development kits and working relationships with the console manufacturers.
In short, you have what you have and everything else goes away. We should do this every one or two console generations to keep the playing field level and to keep companies from becoming unstoppable intergalactic developer black holes.
Jack Thompson and EA:
First he was annoying. After some time he became funny. After having a suspended license, being called out by Penny Arcade, and still shooting his mouth off he was a running joke. Now we’re at the point where the running joke is just annoying and we want it to exist in a small corner (under a blanket, inside a very small box, inside of another box…) of the universe.
Basically, Jack Thompson has followed the path of the Energizer Bunny (too bad it is not a fabled RPG career arc). I am old enough to remember when both of these gags started in the entertainment industry. Anyway, now Jack wants to be a part of EA because they want to buy out Take Two, Jack’s mortal enemy. On top of his other spectacular failures he’s being, rightfully, snubbed in this move. He’s been viral for a long time, but now it looks like all other potential enemies of Rockstar want nothing to do with him (along with the Bar Association).
Solution: There is not a whole lot you can formally do here, but that doesn’t mean satire cannot help. If you have been to ThinkGeek at all and are a fan of Office Space you know about the Initech No Talent Ass Clown Award. We need a website to create a running list of worthy recipients of this award. I don’t think there’s any question Jack should be an award winner (and a potential inaugural lifetime achievement award winner).
Street Fighter IV:
I try to get excited about games that I worshipped as a kid. Fighting games can be a ton of fun, and Capcom struck platinum (it went far beyond striking gold) with Street Fighter II. Approximately 3,420 iterations of the franchise later, maybe 2 of them being mildly interesting, there is noticeable buzz surrounding Street Fighter IV. Why exactly are we supposed to care about this game?
Oh, right - it’s a 3D fighter now! This is innovative for the Street Fighter franchise, but more of a Rip Van Winkle-esque RSVP to the modern console fighter party. The artwork does a decent job of keeping the old Street Fighter II cartoony look while adding some ruggedness to each of the classic characters. Unfortunately, nostalgia alone is not going to make this game work. Perhaps if Capcom stopped going to this well so frequently there might be something left here.
Solution: Here we need to employ the Old Yeller approach. Street Fighter is an old dog now. We had a lot fun with it as kids. It’s run around everywhere and has become old and tired. If I this were 1995 I might be excited about a fresh entry in the franchise, but the reality of the situation is that I’m bored to death of Street Fighter. If this game doesn’t offer anything new then it’s going to be received as well as GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.
Here’s my main point: it’s time to take this franchise out back behind the barn and let it never be heard from again. Don’t cry. Don’t fret. There is no need to weep - there are plenty of solid fighters out there that will make you much happier than this franchise possibly could. It’s time to get a new fighter.
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October 22, 2007
The Gamer’s Quagmire #53: Bastila Catches Kerrigan
Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less.
by Jamison DeLorenzo
I managed to resist overreacting to the news of EA purchasing BioWare several weeks back. Part of me felt like I was betraying a long standing heritage of raising warning flags about EA, singing the praises of BioWare, and lamenting yet another game publisher being assimilated by the Borg. BioWare has brought an incredible source of joy to me and millions of other gamers. The news of them being purchased by Microsoft back in 2003 was scary enough.Looking at that last statement concerned me some. When Microsoft was looking to buy them way back the thought of the soul being drained from BioWare was enough to make me queasy. The company that churned out Baldur’s Gate, Neverwinter Nights, and Knights of the Old Republic was going to the Evil Empire? BioWare did make a lot of games that only appeared on Microsoft OS’s, so from that standpoint I managed to hold back the fear (which leads to anger, and so on).
Soon we got a taste of Jade Empire and soon we will see Mass Effect. BioWare is one of my favorite publishing houses. In fact, I have consistent weekly debates with myself over whether Square/Enix or BioWare is my favorite. I have the badge and everything ready to bestow on the eventual winner. Making the decision is a painful process. It may not become as painful as finding a Wii in a local store, but you get the idea.
Anyway, the point of this is that any gamer that holds an affection, in some cases potentially a very unhealthy one, for a game company anything can cause the person to freak out. EA soaking up BioWare was enough to cause me to consider playing DDR last week. While that may not seem traumatic to you, I once wrote a nicely worded rant about DDR which prompted in my first series of hate mail as a web author (in other words - it was a proud day). As a gamer without much of a social life, losing BioWare is like losing a best friend. It does sound very pathetic and I accept that, but it is an accurate statement.
This week another rumor has surfaced that has forced my hand. I already knew about the upcoming sequels for Mass Effect (is anyone else highly disturbed by planned sequels to an original work that has not even been completed yet?) and the upcoming Dragon Age (which is described as the sequel to the Baldur’s Gate series), but now there are talks of an MMO whose backdrop is… get ready… KOTOR.
Forgetting for now that we already had an MMO with a Star Wars universe, we have to look at this game as fans of the franchise first. We, as fans, have been pining for a KOTOR 3 for a couple years now. We, as fans, have been lusting for a completed version of KOTOR 2. While the blame with that error does lie with LucasArts for forcing the game out the door before it was finished, we can find salvation in that Team Gizka is very close to a completed mod that will sew up the game the way it should have been (and if you did not know that SHAME ON YOU).
As a fan of dreaming of having a life, the last thing I need is thoughts of getting onto another online game. What does frighten me is that the franchise has been a godsend for me because the story has been phenomenal. Yes, it also has lightsabers, but the interactive dialogue and fluent story has made the franchise a legend in my book. I have yet to see this in any online game. I have yet to think about how this can translate well into an online game. Maybe there are powers that be that need to repair the emotional damage that was done with the last Star Wars MMO (thank you very little Sony), but I do not see how EA can be the ones to do that.
I am an overly cynical person. The trick is to convince myself that this current rumor will turn fact and BioWare will continue its amazing string of superb games like how Blizzard kept its string going with World of Warcraft. Maybe EA will be hands off like they have been with Will Wright’s studios and everything will work out. As a service to fans of BioWare, heed my advice when I tell you that you should pocket this rumor now and wait at least another year before considering the possibility that this could happen and that it might be good. If you don’t do this it will absolutely drive you insane. If you do not believe me consult your nearest StarCraft fan and ask them about their emotional rollercoaster ride over the last six years with that franchise.
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September 4, 2007
The Gamer’s Quagmire #49: Improving Your Golf Game
Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less.
by Jamison DeLorenzo
In the realm of sports gaming, this is the time of year where Madden turns its head as the gaming phenomenon that it is. There are yearly tournaments with cash prizes. Shooters and war simulations are the typical kingpins of the gaming tournaments. It was only natural that the most popular (like Windows is popular) video football game in a country where football is by far and away the most popular sport got a national gaming tournament. ESPN devotes broadcasting hours to it. This is not just because of the strangely consistent Madden cover curse, but because NFL players play the game too.Far be it for me to whine about gaming becoming too popular (you can never have enough gaming), but I am not here to complain about the socio-economic problems that are derived from a monopolistic franchise in a neo-capitalist society. Instead, my focus is to mention my yearly sports exodus that I have embarked on every year since 1999. This is the trip of going through the latest incarnation of the latest Tiger Woods PGA Tour game.
If you needed more evidence that I am a massive geek this should work quite nicely for you. As I have already written lines upon lines of (in)coherent drivel on football and baseball video games here, it was high time that my favorite type of sports game got some attention. My days of playing the PGA Tour series date back to 1992, before EA stapled Tiger onto the franchise. EA has many negative traits, but this move did inject enough attention to the golf game where the game has improved leaps and bounds over the years.
As with a lot of games recently, the franchise is still working hard on improving graphically. If you do not enjoy golf this is hard to defend, but as someone who plays golf recreationally seeing so much detail on a course does bring me closer to a state of euphoria. As I will probably never be willing to shell out the money required to play a round at Pebble Beach or Carnoustie (or display my well-documented inferior skills on world-renowned courses), feeling like I am actually at the course as my character goes through it is a fantastic feeling.
The reason I look forward to the new PGA Tour game every year is because creating a character and raising their skills all the way up is a riveting experience. I feel I need to share this with you not because I expect you to be able to enjoy this vicariously or to convince you that everyone who loves golf should do this, but because anyone who has ever had the thrill of working to level a powerful character in an RPG or put in tons of work to create a powerful team in franchise mode needs to know that this can also happen in a game as slow-paced as golf.
I suppose it is impossible to explain how much fun it is to create a character in a golf game that looks like a digital replica of yourself and make them the most powerful golfer possible, but I do this every year and it never gets old. Part of the idea is that I feel the need to prove myself to the rest of the world that video game golf is one of my strong suits. The skill is not as useful as I would like it to be, such as picking up girls at a bar useful, but playing a quick 18 holes in a life-like world will always have its uses.
On a related note, if you are an avid female golfer and enjoy talking about Tiger Woods PGA Tour, I highly encourage you post in our forums requesting contact information.
Looking at the game from a basic review perspective, it is hard to pinpoint flaws with the game that are anything other than subjective. Being that the only problem that I have seen is a framerate issue that pops from intermittently the game is rock solid. I am not here to write a boring review, however. My goal is to provide everyone who loves golfing games an alternative form of gameplay.
While there are plenty of courses and game modes to keep one occupied for a very long time, the following is a suggestion for a friendly golf game for those people that are of drinking age. If you are unfamiliar with my setup it is quite simple: a Waterfall penalty is finishing your drink, and a Cascade (derivation of a Cascade waterfall which is approximately 5 feet high) penalty means taking a sip. As with all games of this nature, please be responsible.
For your golfing, gaming, and drinking pleasure:
Cascade penalty:
- Bogey a hole
- Missing a putt < 5 feet
- Missing the green on a par 3
- Hitting a shot Out of Bounds
- Not going for the green in 2 on a par 5
- (Skins) Losing a skin
Waterfall penalty:
- +2 or more on a hole
- +1 or more on a par 5
- Multiple Out of Bounds on a hole
- Shot Limit Exceeded
- Highest score after 9 or 18 holes
- (Skins) Losing 3 skins or more on a hole
Enjoy this version of golf, where it is, in fact, okay to drive (the golf ball) drunk.
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May 29, 2007
The Gamer’s Quagmire #46: Pauly Shore and EA
Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less.
by Jamison DeLorenzo
Who doesn’t enjoy bashing companies like EA? Memorial day weekends bring that type of thinking to my mind. Anyway, judging by sales figures over the past couple of years it seems lots of people not only have been annoyed by a lack of good games from EA but many people have been also quite annoyed by many of their acts (overworking employees, buying out competition, destroying good gaming franchises, and creating monopolies with exclusive gaming licenses to name a few). As someone who has been steadfastly against anything EA has done for the past 3 years, I believe it is time to, at the very least, look at the cesspool that is their company and see if there is anything worth being salvaged.
It is true that avoiding their games has only been exacerbated by an unhealthy addiction to World of Warcraft. It is easy to avoid games when you only have interest in playing one. I am a much happier gamer now that I have moved on from that addiction. I still refuse to buy any new games with the EA logo on them, but enough time has passed where I can at least examine their current franchises to try and find something that may make me say that they are not operating at a 100% evil capacity anymore. They did pull the plug on their James Bond games finally, so they are starting to figure something out.
I will not make it a secret that the impending release of Spore next year is part of my motivation. I won’t even try to deny that Warhammer Online has piqued my interest. There have been a couple games that I would have given a chance recently had it not been my credo to avoid any of their products. I have not gone as far as convincing myself that what they spit out is covered in e-coli (yet) because most of their games have been garbage. Madden and NBA Live have been their most shining examples of trash games for three years running. This has made their exclusive license push all the more aggravating. It’s like the old saying goes- you cannot force feed your customers garbage. As they were topping the garbage with sewage I have not been hungry for any of their services.
Let us look at their main franchises to get an idea of what they can do to turn their name around (in terms of quality games).
Madden- Their most popular series in terms of units sold, this franchise has been dead to me since 2002 and many joined my way of thinking once the Sega 2K series started taking off and surpassed Madden in overall game quality and presentation. For many this series became dead once the exclusive license hammer dropped. I published a list of fundamental problems with the gameplay within the past year that I have had since 1999. The way I see it, until these problems are resolved and the exclusive license expires the franchise will stay dead.
NBA Live - If you are a sports junky like me you have been pained by this series for a good chunk of time. NBA2K has been the better franchise for 3 years (despite Shaq being on the cover), and really the problem is that Live dropped the ball after 2004. The 2003/2004 timeframe for Live presented great gameplay for basketball, only the franchise has regressed since then. The franchise mode does not feel as complete anymore, the constant changing of the jump step is annoying (first it was overpowered, and then it never resulted in anything but a charge or travel- make up your friggin’ mind people!), and the AI is terrible. I’m happy with 2K and have no intentions of going back. The Live games need to be completely revamped before I can consider giving them a chance again.
SimCity - To be fair this game was so good I didn’t even know that EA owned Maxis until SimCity 3000. I didn’t know Maxis made it until deep into my SimCity 2000 phase. I didn’t care. While there have been a plethora of Sim titles over the past 10 years SimCity is the flagship and the best of any of the other Sim games. That is, until SimCity 4 came out. By the grace of God I managed to borrow the game from someone before simply buying it. 3000 is my favorite of all the iterations in the SimCity franchise, so seeing 4 fall flat on its face was, in fact, heartbreaking. The economy in the game was completely broken- the fact that you needed to build a city whose sole purpose was to take in garbage and power from the city you wanted to build was very annoying. I was in the group of people who never had a problem making money in any of the City games in any of the first 3 titles, but somehow in 4 generating revenue became impossible. Sure, the integration with Sims to get people to give you feedback on neighborhoods was quite cool, but when you can’t have fun building a city you know the game is broken. Maybe the next title in the series will be fine, but until then nostalgia will win out on this series.
Sims - If you want to talk about addictions, this is a great place to start. The appeal of playing a game where you simulate someone’s life is difficult to explain. In college I coined the Point Blank Theory, which states that some games look less appealing than a Pauly Shore movie until you sit down to play them. The overall definition of the theory is still in flux because those movies are still highly unappealing when you sit down to watch them, which blows apart the gaming theory as a whole. Anyway, people went from openly mocking the game to refusing to give up the controller after 30 minutes. I mention this because the game didn’t look fun until I sat down and gave it a whirl. After years of playing the original I came up with a list of changes that I thought would be good shifts in game’s fundamentals. Three of them made it into Sims 2, which, to me, proved that my advanced degree in computer science paid off (nevermind the whole job thing). The downside is that the number of expansion packs for these games is a running joke in the gaming community, despite their high sales numbers. Reducing the number of expansion packs by making the packs larger would go a long way to rebuilding the character issues people have with the company.
Command & Conquer - One of the staples of the RWS (Real-time War Simulation) genre (a.k.a. RTS, but as I’ve said in the past real-time strategy is a horrid genre name because that name applies just as well to Tetris as this franchise). Quite honestly I was never as big of a fan of this franchise as WarCraft (before WarCraft 3), but these games have been genuinely solid. There has not been a lot of fresh ideas in the genre as a whole in a while, let alone this franchise, but if they did make the next game as fresh as the first and second games were people would eat it up. People are dying for a great new RWS- evidenced by the fervor surrounding the announcement of StarCraft 2.
Battlefield - Not being much of a war game fan it is hard to really get behind them and defend them as a good potential cornerstone for EA, but Battlefield 2 was a fantastic game at its core. There were some issues with multiplayer that hurt its reputation before some early patches, but this game was very well done as a FPS. Commandeering vehicles was fantastic, but the coolest part of the game for me was the ability to play the role of a general and drop in supplies and reinforcements. It isn’t that hard to bring in fresh ideas into such a young genre, but when you throw down the improvements that Battlefield 2 did you a great franchise starting to catch steam. War games are not my thing, but I can tell you that the reception the gaming community gave the last installment in the franchise will only serve as a launching point for fans and production budget for Battlefield 3.
Need for Speed - If you like driving games at one point you had to have given one of the Need for Speed games a shot. If you are like me you waited until Underground 2 in 2004 before you bothered looking at it. Right now I am knee deep in my used copy of Carbon and am loving every second of it. I used to think that GTA and Carmageddon were the only games where you just drive around and cause vehicular mayhem. Within the past two years I discovered this game and one other. The car customization combined with the street racing is entertaining. I don’t know how much fresh air can be breathed into this series considering the numerous iterations to date, but if EA keeps this franchise breathing then they can start to win people over again.
Burnout - This is the other game that involves vehicular destruction. This game is so similar to Need for Speed I wonder why EA continues to make it- other than to milk money off of a franchise name. This game doesn’t have a career where you build up a car like Need for Speed, but you do have several challenges for races and destruction. This franchise made sense to me when Akklaim held it, but right now it feels like the only thing this game has going for it is the destruction challenges. The game felt old to me after one iteration, and in my opinion this franchise should be buried and forgotten.
If you include the upcoming Spore release, the only positive things I can see coming down the pike from EA revolve around simulations, probably Need for Speed, and maybe Command & Conquer. Nothing else under the EA franchise name holds any appeal for me at all. Really the message I want to send here is that I want to lighten up on EA and give them a shot, but their lineup is not helping me get there. So while my earlier movie analogy failed, right now I honestly can state that this sentiment makes think of EA as the gaming version of the Wachowski Brothers.
No… that wasn’t a compliment.
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