by Jamison DeLorenzo

Finding required viewing in the world of video game writing is a rare event. Over the past five years the cornerstone of my gaming bookmarks has been Penny Arcade. I realize that this is a lot like saying people swear by ESPN for sports news, so that statement has far less impact that I would want. I have often found that my style of humor is right in line with their strips, and that is what drew me to make them required reading.

With the many web comics and regular columns devoted to gaming you are probably wondering why I haven’t mentioned any others. There are many interesting and unique reads that people absolutely love. XKCD and Ctrl-Alt-Delete immediately come to mind as solid reads, but for whatever reason they don’t have the pull on me that they probably should.

The only sites I ever bookmark are sites that I see that offer something unique and either informative or entertaining. Based on that criteria there should probably me more sites inside my gaming radar. Still, this article is not about me and my overwhelmingly bad reading practices. This is about something that’s been bothering me about my #2 reading destination.

It wasn’t all that long ago that this second destination was added. Within the past 3 months Zero Punctuation (think about the pun embedded in this week’s title – it’s subtle… and, now that I think about it, not all that funny) has become a Wednesday mainstay. Yahtzee has become the latest gaming culture phenomenon and with good cause. Again, that statement doesn’t have a whole lot of impact. That’s okay – that wasn’t the intent.

If you’ve been reading the Quagmire for with any regularity you have seen my relative apprehension of Nintendo’s success. I never thought about it when I was young, but now that I’ve managed to entire my cranky old man stage early in my gaming critic life (which appears to have happened prematurely) I have a hard time not thinking about the number of times Nintendo added another title to an existing franchise. This is my current favorite double-standard to harp on with respect to gaming, and when this was brought up in ZP the first time I couldn’t have been more delighted.

Please understand that schadenfreude is not a common problem for me. I don’t take delight in flame wars, but sometimes I feel like I need to step up and say something. Super Smash Brothers is going to be the target, so if you have trouble handling any comments that do not involve slobbering all over the franchise you should be prepared for some artillery fire.

Brawl is the first game in the franchise I have owned but not the first one I have played. This game has never had that much appeal to me, but playing this game with three friends has been a good amount of fun. After extended service time with the game I had many negative things to say about it. My biggest problem with this game, and most 1st party titles for the Wii, is that the games are not deep. Okay, the perceived depth of a game is highly subjective, but as a fighter the gameplay in Brawl does not feel any different than its predecessors. I certainly don’t buy the argument that it is a masher, but I don’t see it as the complex fighter so many fans try to make it out to be (if you want a complex fighter I strongly urge you to play a Tekken game).

Not long after I start jotting down all the complaints I have about SSBB, ZP came out and said everything that was in my notes. This made me happy, not because laziness was once again paying off, but because someone that I would consider paying attention to about games can’t stand mediocre gameplay, highlighted characters being complex unlockables, and off-chance random character movement. This still was not my favorite part of the review.

Two weeks later the SSBB review prompted a response to e-mail feedback which took great strides towards proving that people who hated the comments had no idea how to properly respond to the comments made. This response also highlighted, inadvertently perhaps, that the phrase “I am not a fanboi” is a tired cliché that now almost always serves as proof that the writer is, on top of everything else, a hypocrite.

I realize it took a heck of a long time to get there, but it is time for another Public Service Announcement from the Quagmire – please stop using that phrase to begin your arguments. Every single time this phrase is used to make a point, it proves the author is too scared to let their argument stand on its own merit. It is not as if I expect to see witty discussion every time I read through a message board or walk into EB. In fact, more often than not I expect a bunch of idiots making incoherent statements. Certain phrases become overused way too often, and “I am not a fanboi” is now on the list along with “Nintendo just makes fun games”, “I prefer gameplay over graphics”, or “I’m tired of boring old sequels.”

Please understand that fans of any console who feel the need to attempt to validate themselves by shooting down other consoles are all guilty of use of at least one of these comments. Somehow there is this great divide in the community with respect to each console, and I feel like people are searching for catch phrases to make their points. I won’t shoot down anyone for enjoying a Smash Brothers, Mario Kart, Halo, or any other gaming franchise just because I don’t happen to enjoy it. I will, however, rip you apart if you are unable to handle people pointing out flaws they see without babbling on incoherently. In other words, I’m only here to help.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go prepare for another SSBB party.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

You seriously didn’t think that I forgot about the Gaming Sabbatical Part I did you? Yes, it is true that basic grammatical errors and horrifying sentence fragments appear in my articles occasionally. While you may think this all points to a glaring lack of proofreading or that I paid someone I met in an online forum to use English to write some thoughts down instead of their standard Netspeak, it is all to keep you in anticipation of when I may actually finish putting together a coherent thought. This article just may be what you have been waiting for.

In the very near future, as in later this week, I will be making a trek out to Seattle once more for another epic week of gaming or some other form of non-productive activity. After putting together the base skeletal structure of our gaming activities I compared it to our past treks and noticed that Final Fantasy has once again forayed its way into the limelight. Gamers can be quite the creatures of habit, and it only logically follows that we follow an event that featured Final Fantasy VII with one that features Final Fantasy VIII. Life just seems to make sense this way.

In what has been to date a vain and futile attempt to recover some base knowledge of a game that I have played through close to 4 times I have been scouring through some saved games, looking for any notes written down about the game, and peeled through some guides on the Web. Perhaps I will have one of my special moments similar to recalling the activation code for the Blue Huge Materia in VII (which I still cannot explain remembering) and start down the right path to collecting all of the Triple Triad cards, Guardian Forces, and Limit Breaks. Maybe the subtle tricks in the Chocobo Forests will spring forth once more. I suppose it is equally likely that the Mets will call my cell phone and name me the new general manager, but those are bets not worth placing.

What bothered me, and for no real reason other than finding more holes in my memory, is that my memory of all those little details in Final Fantasy VIII are fading. It cannot be a realistic expectation to recall information on this level about games that haven’t been touched in over 5 years. This is what I tell myself. It does reinforce the notion that getting a good run through the game once more is going to require a team effort. Even the dreaded curse words that real gamers dare not mention (rhymes with ofladgety guide) were implied in conversation revolving around getting through the game one more time. I am confident that this will be unanimously shot down once the topic is discussed rationally, but until then I am left to wonder how much about the series I fell in love with when discovering Final Fantasy II on the SNES I’ll remember once the images are on the screen once more.

To no surprise finding a plethora of trivia questions online on several installments of Final Fantasy requires only a minimal effort. This is the crux of my thesis that the Google search engine has been the defining invention in the Information Age (Sour Patch Kids coming in at a close 2nd). After being crushed by several Final Fantasy VIII questions to which I could barely recall the topic in question I decided to go through VII, VI, and a couple other games I have played several times over. What really scared me was that my knowledge of VI, which I consider to be the best overall game of the franchise, despite what my massive Final Fantasy Review article indicates, was severely lacking. It is always fun attempting to answer questions to games you swear could also be referring to an authentic Greek pastry. That is the Web in a nutshell – a gigantic collection of information at your fingertips designed to show you how little you really know.

Despite failing to remember a decent amount of information on these games I do not let it phase me. It is never about the destination but about experiencing the journey (the games and I will not go our Separate Ways). Thinking about getting ready to experience this game once more has been remarkably enticing. Even if it may seem boring, perhaps the best way to remember why you love gaming in the first place is to fire up an old game that you cherish. This may even be the best cure for the current console war. Instead of everyone trying to convince themselves they made the right choice in their purchase or primary use of a console, or grinding an axe, or whatever else it can be called, gamers should just pick up a game they worship and play it once more. I find that playing a hallowed video game is much more enjoyable than arguing the merits of the current gaming mediums.

Then again, that’s just me.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

Last week, in case you missed it, E3 was debuted in its new format. That is, it debuted in its new, trimmed town, invite-only, debut. For gamers this is like football fans needing the NFL giving them permission to purchase tickets to the Super Bowl. One of my must-do items in my life was, at one point, to take the trek over to the West Coast and attend this event. Getting knocked off of my feet with an overload of gaming was one of those things that just felt like it needed to be done. Some other form of gaming event is going to have to take place instead. To tie me over until I figure out what this may be, I decided to hunker down on my couch after a ton of meaningless housework (repairing some electrical wiring, doorbell repair, deck cleaning, weeding, etc.) and go back to Final Fantasy XII. This was never going to be a monumental event for me, but it has been making my skin crawl that I have not completed this game yet. So I spent the next day and half leveling all 6 of the characters in the game to almost level 60… and nothing else. Good times all around, right?

Unfortunately, E3 did force me to think about something during this gaming marathon. Watching all of the coverage from G4, including the commercial break in the middle of the new Halo 3 trailer on Day 1, I got some pretty big messages from each of the console developers. Being the person that I am, it wasn’t the message they were intending. Let me share with you my impressions of where each of the consoles is going over the next few months:

Xbox 360: If you ask me by now Microsoft should know exactly what is going on with their hardware difficulties. One of its hardware consultants even posted on his own web log (or perhaps it ran in a tech journal… who cares?) where the heat problem came into play with the console. Good news right? The Elite version that was announced recently is going to solve this problem? Okay, the timing was a little off. Fine. There is an announcement from Microsoft that makes us think they have a good idea what the problem though, right? Well, they did announce eating $1.5 billion in warranty costs. Luckily for us, who are still nervous about their console dying at any second, that there’s no end in sight.

If there was a way to transfer saves off my hard disk for when the new console comes in this wouldn’t be an issue. I’m not going to replay all of my old games so I can go after the bigger achievements, are you? Wait, they still have no meaning, so why even bother caring? Well, then perhaps that is one problem solved.

On the plus side their online services are still a major selling point and they do have several intriguing games coming around the corner. Mass Effect, the new BioWare RPG, looks especially mouthwatering. Granted, you may not have much to look forward too if shooters or RPG’s are not your thing, but game selection for a lot of people is not an issue. Still, it should bother everyone who pays attention to games that Microsoft is too (ignorant?) to see that if they solved their hardware problems then they would own the U.S. market and perhaps the European one as well. It’s tough to love a console that you are scared to death of will die any second.

PS3: We just started to get a glimmer of hope that Sony was going to start to turn their PR image around. The firmware updates have dramatically improved the functionality of the console, their price drop felt like an admission of guilt and a decent market correction, and even working on getting the rumble functionality back into the controller made many people feel good about what Sony has been doing since Katuragi left with his tail between his legs. People wanting to like the PS3 were just starting to feel good about themselves.

Fear not- the recent price drop has been a liquidation of what is now a hardware configuration that is no longer in production. It is now time to make room for the 80GB model because… well… um… the extra 20 GB is the next step in the console’s evolution? Did Sony forget how awesome it was that they allowed people to take out the hard drive of the PS3 and swap it in for any hard drive we wanted? Microsoft wants strict control over their hardware and doesn’t allow this (and they’re the ones who still have the hardware failures- neat, huh?). I can pop in a 400 GB hard drive at any time into my PS3. The manual that comes with the PS3 tells me how to do this.

Nobody should be buying a console for this reason, and while technical superiority should never be the top selling point of a console (games should always be #1, in case you are lost), it should at least be able to be a selling point. It is rather pathetic when you are unable to point to such a powerful piece of hardware and convince people that you know how to sell it. The price dropped by $100, and while it is not enough for everyone it was enough to get plenty of people jumping at the console. Now the price is back to $599. Does anyone at Sony with a brain have an MBA?

The positive news for the PS3 is that there are a good set of games coming out soon and a ton in development. The current PS3 library pales greatly in comparison to the 360, but it is not hard to see that the library is growing at a good pace. If the good games do not come out for it soon then it is very possible that the consoles will never start selling. You can’t ride the PS2 sales forever (which, remarkably, are still selling quite well).

Wii: This is the most difficult console to like because I was a huge Nintendo fan for a long time. Their new controller, while somewhat scary, looks like a phenomenal idea (ignore the extra wrist strain for now). The Wii has reached into a previously untapped gaming demographic and is easily the most intriguing selling point out of any this generation. Gamers should be thrilled, not only at the idea, but that because their older relatives would actually by the Wii for themselves that they are way more likely to be getting games for their gift-receiving holidays.

While the consoles are flying off the shelves for this reason, it also begs the question- will people who never cared about gaming for the Wii buy any new titles after they get the initial box? There are going to be a percentage of people that do not get anything else. Most will probably only be a select few party games for the system and call it a day. Honestly, Nintendo could simply walk away from the Wii right now and still point to a big profit and laugh and Sony and Microsoft. I wouldn’t blame them for this at all, because at least that would explain their upcoming list of games.

This the one console that I want to like but fail to see any games on the horizon worth playing. One or two I can sort of talk myself into renting to check out, but a console needs more than that. I’m not picking up a console just to play bowling or go fishing. I have way more fun doing the real thing. Something like Smash Brothers is worth getting people over at a house and getting drunk to play, but, again, a console needs more than that to survive. E3 should have been an announcement of all the cool games Nintendo was working on, and instead we get a steering wheel, mat, and gun peripheral (the latter of which I thought the base controller handled quite well).

Give a gambler a reason to gamble and they’ll thank you for it. Gamers are a similar breed, and each console is struggling to give me a reason, although honestly the PS3 is giving me the best reason… assuming that I can focus on the upcoming games list and not the business decisions. If Microsoft can solve their hardware issues and Nintendo can solve their software issues than we would finally have a good battle of games between all three consoles- something that Nintendo would probably win. Instead, we have three hurdlers knocking over several gates past the first turn in the race. In other words, things are hardly a pretty sight.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

With all of the interesting things developing in the gaming world over the past month you would think I would have made the time to write about some of them. Instead, thanks to the purchasing of the Civilization IV expansion my time has mostly centered around wreaking havoc on the Spanish (someone care to explain how they became the Zulus for IV?). Sad to say, I have been struggling playing on the mediocre levels of the game. You would think playing these games for over 15 years would hold some value, but the game has changed enough where you do need to learn some new tricks to right the ship.Anyway, the big bombshell that has been looming over the Internet finally crash landed over the weekend. Blizzard has been holding an announcement over our heads for a while with a ton of speculation. It could have been anything from the Warcraft, Starcraft, or Diablo universe from a sequel to another online game. Reading all of the speculation was quite entertaining itself as thousands of people online suddenly became expert industry analysts or were insiders with reliable information. This happens almost all of the time, but it has yet to be anything other than entertaining.

Anyway, I usually do not hold my breath waiting for an announcement from a developer but Blizzard is one of the 3 or 4 exceptions that I have in place because they routinely churn out something that I enjoy. One could argue that after being hopelessly addicted to World of Warcraft for two years and having it nearly completely consume my life that it would be wise to enjoy titles from other developers in the meantime. Considering that the game is probably not going to be ready until at least late 2008 there is plenty of time for other titles. Hellgate, Ratchet & Clank, Metal Gear, Last Remnant, Spore, Ninja Gaiden, GTA, and Forza all have compelling new releases within the year. If all of that doesn’t keep me busy then my bank account is almost guaranteed to be void of money.

When Blizzard announced that their next big project is Starcraft II there were millions rejoicing. International Starcraft tournaments are still going on, which is very impressive for a title as old as Starcraft. Plenty of people have been patiently waiting for what many consider to be the best of the three major Blizzard universes to finally have a sequel. Whatever the wait is going to be, fans can begin to breathe a little more easily knowing that the franchise is not dead. They have only patiently been waiting for over 10 years for it, and now the countdown to the next addiction can begin… only it can’t, because right now there is no release date set anywhere. After waiting for the initially cataclysmic wave of internet traffic barreling its way towards the streamed movies subsided I began to look at them myself. I apologize for any horrific flashbacks to the Day After Tomorrow that may have brought.

An opening cinematic along with some gameplay footage is not nearly enough for me to crow about how exciting this game may be, but if you had any fun with this game before looking at the new screenshots online must whet your whistle. Hours upon hours of fighting people on Battlenet and toying with the campaign editor await once more. I remember the years I spent playing the first game and have nothing but positive memories all around. My VHS tapes of all the battles I recorded are long gone (in case there was any question on my geek factor), but new cinematics can always be had.

There is, as always, a big stumbling block. A lot of the units are still there and mostly the game may not change at all. As such, the question a lot of people ask is why tinker with a formula that works? This is one of the funniest questions as it does touch on the central part of the war between all the current consoles. The fact of the matter is that every console relies on formulae from franchises still working to sell games. Microsoft needs Halo to give itself a big market share. Nintendo needs Zelda, Mario, and Melee to sell big. Sony needs Gran Turismo to succeed. As far as exclusive titles go those are the big ones. With all of the rumors on Metal Gear and Final Fantasy no longer being Sony exclusives it is hard to state with any certainty how Sony can dominate this round of consoles.

Putting the console spin on this issue aside for now, we have to look at Starcraft. What is it about the sequel that is worthy of a ton of attention? Based on the fact that the game has not seen a new release in a long time and it still being very popular is enough to get millions of copies sold. For people who have not seen the game before, or those that enjoy seeing franchises evolve, what is this sequel going to provide to make it worthwhile? Not only that, but what can the game provide the genre? The war simulations have felt relatively stale to me for a while, and, like any other genre, new ideas to maintain freshness are always important in making a game the best it can be.

It’s strange- I really know nothing about the game other than “new units” and “updated graphics.” The critic inside me says I definitely need to know more. The gamer is dying to see more footage. It sickens me that I’ve been pulled in with just a video and some screenshots, but I know I must have it.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

If one theme has been consistent in these articles, aside from snide comments and sheer brilliance, it has been the purveyance of something that should be obvious by now: I am a hardcore gamer. I play games every day. I read about games every day. I discuss games every day. This has been the case since 1988. This may make you wonder why my job is not in the video game world, and for better or worse it mostly stems from a lack of effort. A story for another day for certain, but if I have proved anything over the course of my life it is that video games are what I know most about (with a possible exception of Simpsons trivia). I am a hardcore gamer.

Alas, I do not think it means what I think you think it means. I think.

In the never-ending battle of the console wars, something which is inescapable, people seem to be doing whatever they can to rationalize their thinking. You’ll recall that in my Console Sanity Check series I erupted with a series of rules that needed to be set in place for everyone’s safety. We are almost back at that point again. Gamers are labeling other games in a vain attempt to pat themselves on the back that they made the right choice. Much like the liberals of the 1980’s the hardcore gamer is now being thrown under the bus.

I, however, refuse to be run over. This is not just because I have a problem with skid marks. No, the problem lies much deeper than that. You see, despite my pacifist nature it is possible to provoke me. Hardcore gamers, some time during the past year, became a term that refers to people who play first person shooters and very violent games. In other words, games like GTA, Halo, Gears of War, and God of War. Someone who detests that particular genre of games labels it with a term they don’t want to be labeled as and then decries it. This is the classic straw man argument at work (it may only be a related strain, but either way this is a viral argument).

Every time I struggle with the definition of a word I turn to the most impartial and standard place one can turn: the dictionary. Surely we all can agree that this is the one place we can turn to for understanding of our language. Being that hardcore gamer is a concept more than a word, there is really only one other good place to turn: Wikipedia. Only this time the site talks about the rather uncertain definition of the term. Rather than spend a good deal of time thinking of a solid definition for the term I will instead propose an idea to you on what I feel the term really should mean.

The way I see it, a hardcore gamer is one who enjoys gaming- a lot. They play a multitude of games and they are exceedingly good at them. You ask them questions when you are stuck. You seek their opinions on what games they should buy. They can recall more about games from years past than you can remember about what you did last week. If playing video games was a job with good pay they would be some of the best people at their job in the world. I strongly believe that this is at the core of what it means to be a hardcore gamer.

This should explain why I consider myself to be a hardcore gamer. I eat, sleep, and breathe gaming. When people throw me into the lump of people whom they believe snack all day, live with their parents, trash talk on Halo all day long, wear the same clothing, and haven’t talked to a woman since 1997 I become offended, and with good cause. Not only because I have documented proof of socializing with a woman in 2004, but because stereotyping on any level is something I have a problem with.

As such, I hate it when people use the term hardcore gamer even when they feel the term refers to someone who plays FPS’ all day, only cares about shiny graphics, and jumps at every war game possible. The problem started, however, with people trying to label Nintendo fans as people who prefer the cutesy games. It’s as I said before- people feel better when they feel they have condescendingly labeled people who disagree with them (after all, every gamer is completely socially insecure). Sure, after playing a large share of Nintendo games I wanted to try some new things and move past the cartoon style Nintendo games. I still love cartoons, but the problem is that I’ve been watching the same Mario cartoon for 10 years now. Instead of just looking to try the latest style of gaming, people moving over to PS and Xbox camps started referring to Nintendo games as not just cartoony, but childish.

Now the war is (justly) coming back at the PS and Xbox fans. They initiated the battle and now Nintendo has a lot of ammo to fire back. I have my own web space, so now I feel I need to say something about this. Here is a message for every Nintendo fan out there- tread lightly. Yes, you have every right to be mad for being told you are playing kids’ games. You should feel free to mock everyone who hunkers down in front of a FPS that badmouths Nintendo’s graphics, makes fun of the controller when they are stuck on the outdated Dual Shock, or makes a snide Mario comment while they hold their breath for Halo 3. Still, you must tread lightly. I say this not just because I tend to avoid pouring kerosene on flame wars, but because name calling just doesn’t get you anywhere. He who yells the loudest only stands to gain a sore throat.

All this talk about the PS/Xbox crowd as the hardcore gamer camp and the Nintendo crowd as the cutesy gamer camp needs to stop. It needs to go away and be buried forever. If you want to whine about game titles then your only legitimate target is a console that’s been out for more than 2 months. If you want to whine about price then you have to acknowledge that the more expensive consoles provide a lot more than games (whether you want movie playback or not). If you insist on making gross generalizations (I’m very close to blowing up on people saying that all Nintendo games are fun) then you are simply on the other side of the coin to the argument you find so very annoying. To me, that only makes you one thing- annoying.

Not that I ever oversimplify things.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

If you are entertained by mindless yammering then the last several weeks has been a lot of fun for you. Anyone lucky enough to experience the incessant political advertisements over the past couple weeks understands. If you like gaming as well then so much the better. It appears as though we are at the peak of the fanbot (I am coining a term here and I doth not care if it catches on- I choose bot because it has no gender discrimination, most arguments sound exactly the same, and all of them have been programmed to repeat said arguments) era before our current generation of gaming. Once the consoles start coming out people can no longer make endless comments loaded with conjecture about how much fun a console is going to be.So I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I struggle with my inner sadist (something I am hoping that Jerry Springer can resolve in his “Making Peace With Your Inner Sadist” special). Sure, peace of mind will start to set in once the games start coming out and everyone can play them. All of the pre-launch hype will be gone and we will finally be able to see where all of the consoles truly stand. Mostly I am feeling relief because then the consoles will finally rest where they should- on the merits of the games. Ever get the feeling that a merit badge system is in order to judge these consoles properly? Give me through Christmas and we may have something in that arena.

Enough game trailers, pictures, press releases, and articles have been written to convince me of one thing- if you want to dislike a console you will nitpick everything you can dig up. If you spend enough time reading about these consoles you will start to wonder if people in this country care more about which console is better than their state representative (who, ironically, is more than likely is working on pushing an anti-gaming bill). If there are not any console advertisements that use political attack ads there should be. In fact, that is my motivation for this week’s rant: advertisements we all want to see that nobody is showing.

The reason I think these things up, other than to entertain myself, is because advertising is a major pet peeve of mine. Advertisers, along with sports referees, are among the worst at doing their job right now (I stopped making fun of politicians and lawyers long ago- it is way too cliché). Advertisers make tons of cardinal sins: they rely too much on meaningless clichés, are too in your face (local car dealers are experts here), make up unbelievable lies (like Circuit City’s ad that they eventually pulled where they mentioned they were the only site that showed consumer ratings of products), do something way too abstract (like that PS9 ad when the PS2 was introduced), or make something that makes absolutely no sense (there’s a drug commercial for a sleeping pill with an actual listed side effect of drowsiness, which is basically equivocating the pill to those hair-growing drugs that only work by sheer coincidence).

Admittedly I am almost without a doubt the last person who should be running an advertising campaign, but if nothing else the point would get across and it would be entertaining. My style is this- commercials that are direct, memorable, and funny. Last year I made up an advertisement that involved a bunch of stuffed animals being destroyed in various ways, pretty much stealing the snowman idea from Calvin & Hobbes, in an attempt to demonstrate what would happen if violent games were taken away from kids without any other changes in their lives. The memorable shot of the commercial was a teddy bear with a noose around its neck attached to a slow-moving ceiling fan. I set it all to some eerie piano music also for irony. Like I said, I am almost without a doubt the last person who should be running an advertising campaign (sometimes what people think is funny is nothing more than disturbing). Nonetheless I still think it’s a good idea.

So, in no particular order, are some ideas for commercials. Any statement with a ‘+’ next to it indicates a positive advertisement that I would make based on pretext while, not surprisingly, a ‘-’ refers to a negative advertisement (and if you think I won’t resort to relying on some scary-sounding voice to deliver some of the attack ads you obviously haven’t figured out what I do here yet). Also remember, if you see anything on television or a website that resembles these ideas who know whom to thank!

Online Content:

If you believe that the XBox 360 has been coasting on its online system, Live (XBL for short), you would be right. The controllers are not much different, the multimedia support is only marginally better, and Live is improved but not a whole lot. Granted, there was not a whole lot to improve with Live as it is an overwhelming success in connecting anyone with an Ethernet connection to the outside world. Sony and Nintendo cannot say anything right now about their online stuff without getting served by XBL, so trying to make an ad for either of them would just not be worth it.

+ (360): Considering Microsoft laid the groundwork for online console gaming while nobody else has an established infrastructure for it, the required ad is a group of friends, maybe 5 people, playing together in a FPS and having a good time. After someone mentions not being able to do a 3×3 team game, somebody asks where X is, panning to some guy holding a controller in the obvious shape of a Sony DualShock controller staring at a blank TV sitting on the couch for several seconds. Simple and to the point.

I also think that if you were Microsoft you should have added Bill Gates to the end of several 360 ads- you know- “I’m Bill Gates and I approve this message” during the election timeframe. This would have killed.

- (360): Even easier, but you need to take two different angles. First, because Sony at least tried to incorporate an online element with their last console, you have to resort to obscure hyperbole. Sony doesn’t want you to be online would be good. Definitely toss in a 6 year-old kid who is trying to convince his dad that he can get online too with the dad smiling and nodding. As for Nintendo, there’s always room for a Britney Spears joke. Just make a bunch of people dance around like idiots and talking incoherently into a headset and that should do the trick. Oh, for those of you that inexplicably missed it, Britney pulled a Milli Vanilli at all of her concerts. She claimed it was because the dancing prevented smooth singing while I still maintain that she is wholly unable to carry a tune.

Games:

Only one company has the edge here also, mostly because only one console has been established so far. It is true that there are exclusive titles on the horizon that people cling to, and there is nothing wrong with that, but if you look at what’s out there now Microsoft has a lot going for it. Here are a couple ideas:

+ (360): Elder Scrolls IV, Project Gotham Racing 3, Gears of War are out now and are fantastic. Later on you will see Halo 3. All of these are 360 exclusives and are major sellers. If Gears of War catches on like I think it should (I see it as leaps and bounds, pun intended, better than Halo to date) then you are looking at 4 powerhouses that no other console has. I’m not sure of the best way to flex that muscle as you do have to be careful due to competing titles on other platforms (Gran Turismo and Final Fantasy to name two), but Halo is considered the flagship series for the XBox, so using that is a must. Something like the Master Chief blowing up a bunch of nasty aliens with a series of heavy weapons, diving into a room, seeing the other consoles, standing up straight, and then dropping a grenade and walking casually out of the room with an explosion in the background after strolling down a hall or something. That might work.

+ (Wii): Mario is the most globally (I recently stopped using universally because, well, I’d feel way too guilty if an alien ever read this article… clearly my caffeine intake today is higher than normal) recognizable video game character and we know that Nintendo is pushing hard towards families being able to game together. So it’s simple- anyone that uses another console must be in a dysfunctional family! Show a family of 4 in front of a television with a Nintendo playing some Mario game together. You want a light set for this. After that switch to some teenager sitting by himself in a room with the lights off playing something similar to Manhunt. The father in a wife beater T-shirt comes in and rips the console out from the wall with the kid whining and yelling. Follow this with a camera outside capturing the front door opening and the console being tossed onto the street and shortly thereafter a truck crushing it while driving by. A little dark of an ending for Nintendo, so better switch back to the family thinking they hear something outside only to go back to playing Mario. Fun for the whole family!

Controllers:

It is pretty safe to assume that Nintendo has put the most work into this arena this time around. I still refuse to believe Sony was able to put together a tilt controller with full range of motion as a reaction to the last E3 but I guess anything’s possible. Either way as Nintendo you have to push this angle because the Wiimote’s form factor lends itself much more easily to tilt control gaming.

- (360): Clearly you have to try and sell the whole notion of tilt controlling not being that fun considering Microsoft is the sole company not integrating that into their console experience. Show people using the Wiimote and the Sixaxis controllers while clearly frustrated. Show some game footage of characters dying in spectacular fashion and the player getting mad or putting the controller down while upset. After enough sequences a character stopping on screen and placing a couple question marks in a bubble over their head would be good too. Show a split-screen shot of both controllers with red X’s and the buzzer sound effect. Finish off with a stick-with-what-works motif and you’re all set.

- (Wii): Nintendo is the only company willing to use a controller that looks different this time, so that needs to be the target. You should be thinking what I’m thinking- kids insulting each other at their friends house! Hey, they’re doing it online anyway, so the transition is smooth. Show up at house A with a 360, have one kid yell at the host with something like “I can’t believe you’re still using that same old controller!” He gets up and leaves, the friends follow, and the host just sits there with a dumb look on his face. Everyone makes it over to the house with the Wii, they start playing, then somehow this kid pulls out a PS3 controller and have the 360 host grab the controller and throw it on the ground. He stares at the kid, who now has a shamed look on his face after everyone else is shaking their head at him for even bringing it into the house. You can’t lose as long as you decry the other controllers.

+ (PS3): The current ad Sony is doing with the PS3 controller isn’t bad although it is borderline too abstract… the one with the controller moving objects around the room, not the exploding Rubik’s cube. The only reason I mention it here is because it is actually pretty good, which is a rare thing given my skewed taste.

Cost:

Clearly one of the only non-subjective topics in the battle. The only possible controversy is that if you want to be an early adopter for high-definition DVD then the PS3 does indeed save you money. However, most people do not want to spend that much money for what for them is largely just a gaming console (although it’s funny that when the PS2 came out, the additional DVD feature was popular… now it’s pure evil).

+ (Wii): I have yet to use women effectively in any of these advertising ideas, and I think I have one of my really good ideas for this one. Show two men in separate frames taking $600 with the girlfriends giving them an evil look. Both go into a mall. One buys a PS3 and comes home to a slap in the face with the girl storming out the front door. The other buys a Wii and some jewelry, keeps the Wii in the trunk and brings in the necklace. Everybody wins, and don’t you just love happy endings?

+ (PS3): We need something similar here, except you have to sell the idea that the PS3 is much more than a gaming console. The multimedia capabilities are quite impressive, so if you care about such things then this ad will work wonders for you. I thought about going the same route as the previous commercial with this one. I wanted to use the college angle because I enjoyed it so much, like watching HD movies and having another $300 in Ramen noodles in boxes behind the couch, but no college kid low on cash is going to spend $600 to save on a hi-def DVD player. The best way t go if you’re Sony for this is to have two guys standing in separate but adjacent lines in an electronics store. Customer A is struggling to hold a 360, HD-DVD player, and a multimedia hub. Customer B is just holding a PS3. They look at each other, then look away, the PS3 customer smirks, swipes his check card and gets out the store quickly. For added effect the customer behind the Customer A asks him why he’s holding all those boxes, Customer A turns around and throws all the boxes at him, knocking him over (physical humor still works like a charm), and leaves.

There are many more ideas, but that seemed like enough for the week. With any luck you were able to picture what I was trying to describe. Who knows, if a company uses one of these ideas then there just may be a future for me in advertising. Wouldn’t that be fun?

by Jamison DeLorenzo

Ever since stumbling upon the the news of Final Fantasy XII’s release the rest of my life has almost been a complete blur. It’s pretty scary when you realize that your sanity in coping with the universe is highly dependent on the quality of a video game for a franchise that hasn’t seen anything new since 2004 (and, arguably, not anything good since 2002). X’s sequel may have been the best thing that has happened to the Final Fantasy franchise for the simple reason that it forced Square-Enix to think about why there are so many fans of the Final Fantasy series. Square made that series what it is and, honestly, I don’t think anybody at the company after Square’s and Enix’s merger understood why the FF series is the defacto flagship RPG for the gaming industry.X-2 introduced a major paradigm shift in the series and, while it had several pluses, it was effectively rejected by most Final Fantasy fans and gamers in general. Four years later the series has some life breathed back into it. Millions of RPG addicts outside of Japan could finally stop itching and get their fix in for the new game. Every delay between releasing a game in Japan and the U.S. starts the trigger of me going into a bookstore. And yes, I’m fully aware that I have a problem here.

As expected, the launch of the game was not a smooth one for me. I feel the need to share this small part with you about the game because it paints a very clear picture about my obsession with RPG’s. Monday night was the planned release for the game and I had even worked out a sleep schedule where I could sleep until an hour before midnight, get the game, play it until 7 am, then get ready for work AND be completely rested. After calling the game store before taking the rest somehow the plans for the release got changed so the only store that was doing a midnight release for the game was in a town I had never been to and is about an hour away from my house. After a long debate about driving outside Rochester to get a game and completely nuke my office productivity for the next day I decided that Tuesday was indeed an acceptable day to start Final Fantasy XII.

Why am I telling you these things? The answer is simple- if you are a fan of gaming and a fan of good storytelling then I feel it is perfectly reasonable to sacrifice sleep, skip house cleaning, ignore non-gamer friends, answer the phone with a disclaimer about Final Fantasy only conversations being allowed, and all the other normal and healthy reactions to a great new game being available. Playing this game reminds me of why I started gaming and why continue to play video games. There are great new movies, books, and music that constantly makes owners of those hobbies happy, and I will have words with anyone who feels that enjoying this particular art form is somehow completely underneath any other hobby.

What scares me is that I honestly believe that my body decided to help out with my addiction without me even realizing it. As I was unaware of XII’s release only until most of my vacation days had been used or allotted for later in the year (and while it was tempting to cancel Christmas plans to play a game I decided that my family might take issue with being bumped for a game) the best I could hope for was a full weekend of gaming without interruption. In college you can skip class or ignore homework for a couple days usually without massive repercussions. Sure, a major test or project being due is an unavoidable road block, but if you have the right teachers you know what you can get away with and still get above a 3.0. Just over a day after getting my hands on the game my aching back decided it was time to force a dependency on a cane and pain medication for several days. Normally this would bother me, but this time it meant being able to sit in front of the television for four days and do nothing but play XII almost non-stop.

Playing this game for the past week has taught me that even with all of the console bashing going around, especially now that we are on the doorstep of having the next-gen consoles ready for battle, my love for gaming has not diminished one iota. This was an important revelation for me because I had gotten to the point where all of the bookmarks that I maintain for gaming news I had feared clicking on. This is not a good place for an avid gamer to be in. So basically I desperately needed XII to bring something fresh to the table.

Everything about XII reminds me of why I became a fan of the franchise in the first place. It also tells me that the PS2 era is ending on the right note. Just as all of the best games of the franchise have done, the music in this game draws you in, the visuals capture your eye, the cut scenes and movies take your breath away, the characters compel you to explore the world in its entirety and resolve conflict, and the battle mechanics feel fresh and intuitive. I even had to edit that sentence several times to avoid over-selling what I’ve seen so far so you may want to look at it again. After claiming that Final Fantasy is the benchmark for keeping a franchise fresh, XII reinforces that argument from almost every facet I had pondered before making that statement.

Let me expound on that point. There are several distinctive points for what keeps these games fresh. Looking at many of the past games in the franchise these are the major items that change every time and are what I feel are always the highlights of the game.

Character dynamics are always interesting and you never see the same main character twice. Some games do not have a lead character and some do. While roles are always filled you can never say that one character talks and behaves the same as any other character. You will never see another Cecil, Kain, Terra, Cyan, Cloud, Vincent, Zell, Selphie, Tidus, Wakka, or even Garnet (Final Fantasy VI still holds the most impressive display of characters). Some characters are vaguely similar and some are borderline useless (okay, you caught me, I was looking for another excuse to mention Yuffie again). If and when the day comes where I see a character and start looking for jokes from the developers that they stole them from a previous iteration I will retract that. Until then I welcome newcomers into the party in Fran, Balthier, Zaan, Ashe, Basch, and Penelo.

The soundtrack is a very big item for me. As music is playing for 99% of every game I need to rely on the fact that reused tracks like a town’s theme is not going to get on my nerves after hearing it during the 40th hour of me in a shop upgrading my equipment. I need to be able to jump onto an airship or leave a town to do some traveling without having to fear the traveling music. I want scores from boss fights, cut scenes, movies, and most other places to send shivers down my spine. XII’s soundtrack has yet to disappoint, although admittedly I am relatively easily to please and am prone to missing subtleties in music that can shift the tone of a scene.

The battle system also is a big deal to me. It can sound rather unimportant, but if you make several games without ever reworking how you deal with enemy encounters you are going to make most of your followers incredibly bored. The Dynasty Warriors franchise serves as the best example of having repetitiveness drain the life out your work faster than a Creed album. We have seen Espers, Materia, Magic Capturing, Sphere Grid, Jobs, and now Gambits. And while we’re on the subject, the shift into eliminating random encounters is not completely true. While you do see the majority of the enemies on the landscape before you fight or run from them enemies do pop out of the ground or slither up from the grass to take you by surprise. What makes this more compelling is that if you are not careful you can move around in a fight and draw way too much attention to yourself. Any veteran of Diablo can tell you some very ugly horror stories in this matter.

While I have yet to make it through the game once (45 hours in and I feel as though I’ve barely scratched the surface at level 31) I am eager to rush back to the game and continue playing it. I want to unlock all of the abilities. I want to see how the story turns out. I want to see which characters are going to turn on me. And if you think I’m going to stop exploring this game after one play through you’re insane because it is a universal fact that you always miss something major the first time through a Final Fantasy game (well, unless you’re spineless and insist on using a guide).

What I find remarkable about this game in particular is that, while VIII still stands as my favorite, the battle system, aside from being a completely fresh change for Final Fantasy fans, provides a good challenge for many of the boss fights. Very quick reactions are required to win boss fights even when you force the game to wait while you go through your ability menus. Yes, some fights are pretty easy but there have been a couple that have forced me to really study all the intricacies of the battle system. The best part is that I have already told myself this twice, so I know there’s something else coming around the corner that is ready to take me by surprise.

It is still relatively early for me to assemble my overall impressions of the game. What I can tell you is that not one aspect has made me groan in disgust, several scenes have drawn me deeper into the story, there are several wow factors, and, probably the biggest ticket for me, this game has a good chance of becoming the new king of the series depending on several key factors- how impressive are the big spells, how much satisfaction is there in finding the best equipment, how do the characters play off of each other, how impressive is the story ending, and does the epilogue, complete with the musical score, definitively punctuate the game.

I’ll just have to do my best not to ignore everything else in the gaming world in the meantime.