Off the Cuff: The most annoying song ever?

I realize this post has nothing to do with any of my usual subject matter. But this is a column called Off the Cuff, so what do you really expect?
In the 90’s three men (Vitaly Komar, Alex Melamid and David Soldier) decided to create the most annoying song ever. Why? Because men are practical.
Or at least that’s what Dave Barry would say.
So what goes into the world’s most annoying song?
1. Rapping opera singer? ….check
2. Wal-Mart? ….check
3. Kid’s singing? ….check
4. Harmonica? ….check
5. Holiday music? ….check
6. Banjo? ….check
The only thing I didn’t hear was dog’s barking a Christmas carol.
So did they get close to their goal? No. Not even close.
The song is so bad that it becomes hilarious. In fact it’s almost a perfect parody of American culture. That alone makes it worth the price of admission. Which, by the way, is free. There are certainly moments when the song gets close to being totally annoying. Especially with the stupid kid’s choir. Seriously if your music ever contains children singing, just hang up your ukulele.
Or you can always do all your shopping at Wal-Mart!
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April 21, 2008
On The Shelf This Week - 04.23.08

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK
Order any of the below titles by clicking here!
BIRDS OF PREY #117, $2.99, 32 Pages, DC Comics
Written by Sean McKeever; Art by Nicola Scott and Doug Hazlewood; Cover by Stephane Roux
Very little fanfare for this issue, but it is in fact the final issue of Sean McKeever’s short run. Naturally, he stepped down as writer of this title far earlier than anyone expected, but in his short time he actually did manage to put out a few decent issues. It is a testament to KcKeever’s skill, as well as the outstanding foundation Gail Simone built for these characters. McKeever’s touch was especially felt on Misfit and Black Alice “feud” - hopefully Bedard will be able to continue that character thread.
It is a shame to see McKeever go, but Tony Bedard has more than proved himself on this book. There is little no doubt that this title will continue to be excellent under his pen.
COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS 1, $2.99, 32 Pages, DC Comics
Story by Paul Dini; Story consulting by Keith Giffen: script by Paul Dini; art by Scott Kolins; Covers by Adam Kubert
Yikes. It is kind of hard watching this title tick closer to a conclusion without muttering an “I told you so” here and there. The quality of Countdown has been a serious issue since day one. Not that the writers are bad, but it is painfully obvious that this series - as well as the “Final Crisis” it is “counting down to,” are the result of the kind of engineered hype that Marvel seemed the most guilty of just a couple years before. Combine that with event fatigue - we are actually seeing readers who are generally DC fans admitting that this series isn’t as good as they had hoped, but that they are only buying it because they feel obligated to. As I said when I first started discussing Event Fatigue about a year ago, once that sense of obligation is diminished, a serious sales drop is going to occur that may be very bad for the industry. Sadly, with the announcement of another weekly series, it seems that DC isn’t seeing the red flags. Perhaps Trinity isn’t going to lead into yet another event - but based on DC’s record of late, that isn’t a guarantee.
Of course, for those following this story, this issue is not the end of the “Countdown.” Next week will see “DC Universe: Zero” hit the stands, which is the end of the Countdown. The first issue of Final Crisis follows a month later at the end of May. Between this and Secret Invasion, the summer event season has begun.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #121, $2.99, 32 Pages, Marvel Comics
Written by Brian Michael Bendis, Art by Stuart Immonen, Wade Von Grawbadger, and Justin Ponsor
So in the end, we got a little Firestar after all. It just wouldn’t be Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends without her! Honestly, the past arc really highlighted what is great about this title - Peter’s age, and how it is portrayed. He is a kid - and that is constantly a focus of the story. Even better, last issue found a few more “kids” in the Ultimate universe who found commonality, and did what kids do - come together. It has been a long time since the mainstream Spider-Man was this age, and while it does make sense that they aged him, his youth was a critical part of his success as a character, and having that aspect back in the form of Ultimate Spider-Man is one of the biggest reasons this title is such a success.
This issue starts a new arc that sees the return of Omega Red. Should be action packed!
UNCANNY X-MEN #497, $2.99, 32 Pages, Marvel Comics
Written by Ed Brubaker, Art by Michael Choi and Sonia Oback
I have to admit that I have been enjoying Uncanny of late. The overall X-Men story has been a little poor, and we have heard quite enough of “Without Charles, there is no X-Men,” but the tone is right on. Sure there are some continuity bugs - there always will be whenever you have a title that is as late as Astonishing is - continuity fans are always going to want a connection to the overall universe, even if it isn’t a seamless one. Things like tha t you need to ignore.
The X-Men are underdogs, and the world is “against them.” Brubaker has done a great job reestablishing that. The story could be better, but it feels like an X-Men story. That was lost for a long time, and it is good to get it back. I also kind of enjoy the “trapped in a 60s acid flashback” story. Not all threats have to be huge global fights for survival, and most shouldn’t be. This is the kind of thing we should get from the X-Men. The more the better.
Of course, I am someone who really liked Arcade, for what it is worth.
CHECKMATE #25, $2.99, 32 Pages, DC Comics
Written by Greg Rucka and Eric Trautmann; Art by Joe Bennett and Jack Jadson; Cover by Kalman Andrasofszky
Another unheralded final issue from DC - this is the final issue for Trautman, Rucka, and Bennett, who will be making way for Bruce Jones and Manual Garcia. There has been some discontent from long-time Checkmate fans about Jones taking over, but since this title was slated to be cancelled, isn’t this a better solution?
Bruce Jones has had a very disappointing run since he came to DC - there can be no denying that. But he is a talented writer who is bound to find his groove on a title sooner or later. This is a great opportunity for him to finally snap that down streak and shine at DC - Checkmate might just be the ideal title for him to finally do that.
If you have your doubts about Bruce Jones, don’t count him out yet. And above all - this is better than Checkmate being outright cancelled. So things could be worse! Rucka is sure to go out with a bang this issue, so enjoy it, and hold out hope for the next issue. You might be surprised.
STAR WARS DARK TIMES #10 $2.99 Now: $2.69
STAR WARS KNIGHTS OF OLD REPUBLIC #27 $2.99 Now: $2.59
STAR WARS LEGACY #22 $2.99 Now: $2.59
BATMAN #675 $2.99 Now: $2.69
BATMAN CHRONICLES TP VOL 05 $14.99 Now: $11.99
BIRDS OF PREY #117 $2.99 Now: $2.69
CHECKMATE #25 $2.99 Now: $2.59
COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS 1 $2.99 Now: $2.69
DEATH OF THE NEW GODS #8 (OF 8) $3.50 Now: $2.99
JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #20 $2.99 Now: $2.69
NUMBER OF THE BEAST #2 (OF 6) $2.99 Now: $2.59
SECRET HISTORY THE AUTHORITY HAWKSMOOR #2 (OF 6) $2.99 Now: $2.59
SHADOWPACT #24 $2.99 Now: $2.59
SPIRIT #16 $2.99 Now: $2.59
SUPER FRIENDS #2 $2.25 Now: $1.99
SUPERMAN BATMAN #47 $2.99 Now: $2.69
SUPERNATURAL RISING SON #1 $2.99 Now: $2.59
SUPERNATURAL RISING SON #1 (VARIANT COVER) $9.99
TEAM ZERO TP $17.99 Now: $14.99
DEVIL’S DUE
SHEENA: TRAIL OF THE MAPINGUARI $5.50 Now: $4.99
SPAWN #177 $2.95 Now: $2.69
SPAWN GODSLAYER #8 $2.99 Now: $2.69
AVENGERS TP KREE SKRULL WAR $24.99 Now: $18.99
DEADPOOL VS MARVEL UNIVERSE TP $24.99 Now: $18.99
HULK #3 $2.99 Now: $2.69
HULK #3 (FITCH VARIANT) $24.99
HULK VS HERCULES WHEN TITANS COLLIDE $3.99 Now: $3.49
MARVEL ADVENTURES FANTASTIC FOUR #35 $2.99 Now: $2.59
MARVEL ILLUSTRATED PICTURE DORIAN GRAY #5 (OF 6) $2.99 Now: $2.59
MIGHTY AVENGERS #12 $2.99 Now: $2.69
MS MARVEL #26 $2.99 Now: $2.59
NEW EXILES #5 $2.99 Now: $2.59
POWER PACK DAY ONE #2 (OF 4) $2.99 Now: $2.59
SHE-HULK 2 #28 $2.99 Now: $2.69
THOR #8 $2.99 Now: $2.69
ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #53 $2.99 Now: $2.69
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #121 $2.99 Now: $2.69
UNCANNY X-MEN #497 $2.99 Now: $2.69
WOLVERINE FIRST CLASS #2 $2.99 Now: $2.69
X-FORCE #3 $2.99 Now: $2.69
X-MEN FIRST CLASS VOL 2 #11 $2.99 Now: $2.69
YOUNG AVENGERS PRESENTS #4 (OF 6) $2.99 Now: $2.69
MARVEL APES
There has been a long and storied love affair between comics and gorillas. Way back in the silver age this trend originated, when comic publishers noticed that comics with apes on the cover seemed to sell more. Since then, the simian has been an inseparable part of comic legend, with ultra advanced gorillas, apes endowed with powers as a result of science, and human heroes being turned into apes all becoming regular features in comic stories for decades. To this day comics with apes on the cover sell more. Don’t ask me why - it is just the fact.
At the recent New York Comic Convention, marvel announced a four issue mini called “Marvel Apes” (to be released in October) which will feature a Marvel Universe populated by familiar, though “monkey-fied” Marvel heroes.
So are the “Apeventers” simply a rip off of the JLApe from the 90s? It might seem that way, but JLApe was hardly the first to come up with the concept. It is a completely silly idea, but if you ask me - far better Apes than Zombies. This series looks like good, clean, ordinary fun, and should be one to look out for.
GOOD NEWS FOR DEADPOOL FANS
Deadpool fans have had quite a tough time these past few months. For quite some time they have lamented the fact that Deadpool did not have a solo book. The Deadpool portions of Cable & Deadpool were spot-on perfect, but the involvement of Cable really pulled the series down. But wouldn’t it be great if Cable was just dropped and Nicieza was allowed to focus only on Wade Wilson?
Well, the exact opposite happened. Cable & Deadpool was cancelled, and as a result of Messiah Complex, Cable was given a solo ongoing title. Deadpool fans lamented.
But then it seemed like Marvel relented, and announced that there would indeed be a new Deadpool ongoing, by Daniel Way with Steve Dillon art - the same creative team on the critically panned Wolverine: Origins series. The outrage shared by Deadpool fans became confusion.
The current Deadpool vs. Wolverine arc on Wolverine: Origins has been a mixed bag. The story has been okay - much better than what we are used to on W:O, even to the point where it is buoying art that just doesn’t fit the characters. Based on this arc and Way’s previous work on Bullseye: Greatest Hits (also with Dillon), it seemed like Way might actually be able to handle a Deadpool ongoing. If only the art were better.
Another quiet announcement that came out of the New York Comic Convention (hidden in a general push for the upcoming ongoing) was the fact that Steve Dillon has been replaced by Paco Medina as the regular artist on the title.
Maybe Deadpool fans can finally take that sigh of relief after all?
POWER GIRL ONGOING
It’s about time. Sometimes Power Girl’s more controversial “features” dominate the stage, but it can’t be denied that she is a solid character. And way more interesting than the current Supergirl if you ask me. The potential for a good Power Girl ongoing has been high, and was only strengthened by the Infinite Crisis tie-in arc that helped kick off that event in JSA Classified.
The good news is that Amanda Conner (the artist behind that story) is returning to work on the ongoing, and she will be working with Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti (a team that needs no introduction - but if you do… Jonah Hex!). Power Girl has all the ingredients of a solid title.
NOTE: Opinions here may not reflect those of X-World Comics LLC or its staff and are solely the opinions of the writer.
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April 18, 2008
Off the Cuff: Which Superhero are you?
Okay, I admit it, I’m a sucker for these quizes. They obviously have no scientific value. But what they lack in accuracy they more than make up for in fun!
Interestingly it came down to a tie breaker question between my love of technology and my laid back personality. I went with the technology. But I think Iron Fist might have been a bit more accurate. After all, who would think of me as a super nerd?
On second thought, don’t answer that.
So how about you? What superhero are you? Take your test and post your results here.
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| Marvel Superhero Personality Test created with QuizFarm.com |
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You scored as Mister Fantastic/Reed RichardsYou are the super nerdy, intelligent and adventurous Mr. Fantastic.
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Post your comments in the Forum!
April 17, 2008
Ti’Hat and the Vulcan: Chapter Thirteen
Tuvok patiently explained to the fourteen nervous Bint’Ari who had agreed to sacrifice themselves what would be required of them. Many continued to ask if there was any way that they could be rescued from the cube before it exploded, but Tuvok calmly explained why they could not. No one changed their mind about what they were going to do, and Tuvok found that a promising sign.
B’Elanna, seated inside of the shuttle, was having a hard time staying awake. She had not gotten any sleep since the invasion of Topachan, and that was well over a day ago. She was hoping that they could destroy the cube as soon as possible, so that she could finally rest
“How long after we arrive on their ship do we have before the bombs detonate?” Yipu asked.
“You will have to detonate the bombs manually,” Tuvok replied, “the transporter may adversely effect the timers. The last person to beam aboard will signal each of you when her is ready. You will all set the bombs’ countdown clocks at that point .”
“What can we expect from the Borg?” Oyi asked.
“The Borg tend to ignore individuals,” Tuvok explained. “As long as you do not tamper with any of the systems on the Borg ship, they should ignore you. However, since you will each have a potentially lethal weapon with you, there is no way to predict their reaction. If they recognize the bombs for what they are, you can expect heavy resistance. Several Borg will come upon you, attempting to eliminate the threat.
“Use careful judgment, though. If a single Borg is coming towards you, chances are it cares nothing for what you are doing, and it will pass you by. Do not attack it, and do not get in its way. If the Borg mean to attack you, they will come forth in greater numbers.”
“So you are saying, if we have to fight, we will most probably be very much outnumbered.”
“That is accurate. However, the corridors on a Borg ship are quite narrow. The Borg will only be able to attack you two at a time, if you are positioned properly. When you are onboard, you will see what I mean,” Tuvok replied. After a moment of silence, he continued. “If there are no more questions, please prepare for departure. We must get as close as we can to the Borg cube, as the shuttles transporters are short range.”
Without another word, the group crowded onto the shuttle, as Tuvok and B’Elanna made their way to the cockpit.
“Lieutenant,” Tuvok began as the shuttle lifted off of the ground, “it would seem that Voyager is indeed still in this star cluster.”
“How do you know?” Torres asked.
“In analyzing the data from the Borg database, I came upon a reference to NCC-74656. It would seem that Voyager prevented another cube from assimilating a near-by civilization nearly a day after our scheduled rendezvous.”
“Maybe Voyager is still looking for us,” Torres suggested.
“There is a strong possibility,” Tuvok replied. “Before departing the area, Captain Janeway would undoubtedly retraced our steps, in order to determine out fate. If Voyager scans the area we were harvesting for missing diallosilicate, and realizes that we had not yet begun to gather the substance from the last nebula, they might search the area more thoroughly.”
“While we are transporting the Bint’Ari over to the cube, we might as well send a distress signal. If Voyager is nearby, they might pick it up.”
“Agreed. However, it seems that the Borg have a renewed interest in the assimilation of the Federation. The collective views Voyager’s as a considerable threat. They mean to eliminate Voyager, then move on to the Federation in greater force, to prevent a reoccurrence of a Federation starship so close to their home system.” Tuvok explained.
“Home system? I always thought that the Borg were decentralized. The whole concept of a home-base for the Borg does not seem right,” Torres said.
“True, but the Borg had to begin somewhere, and it is logical to assume that if the world that the Borg first came from were somehow destroyed or conquered that it would cause a serious disruption throughout the collective.”
“We are about to enter orbit,” Torres reported. “The Borg cube will be in transporter range in less than a minute.”
Tuvok rose from his seat, relinquishing control to Torres, and went to the back of the shuttle to prepare the Bint’Ari for their beam-over. They were divided into groups of two, and each pair was assigned one of the warheads that were stored in the far back of the shuttle.
Yipu, who was paired with Oyi, watched nervously as the two groups before them de-materialized with their warheads. The pair then picked up their warhead, and stepped forward to the transport area.
“Does it hurt?” Yipu asked Tuvok, a but nervously.
“The process is painless,” Tuvok replied, “Though you will experience a momentary disorientation as you rematerialize. That can be avoided if you close your eyes during transport.”
Yipu closed his eyes tight, as did Oyi. There was no reason to act falsely courageous now. After they had transported, they would not be coming back.
“The Borg see us, Tuvok,” Torres reported. The shuttle shook violently. “They are trying to lock on a tractor beam…”
Those were the last words Yipu and Oyi heard. The two opened their eyes after the unfamiliar tingle of transport faded. The first thing the two noticed was how dark it was onboard the ship. It seemed that the Borg did not light an area unless it was absolutely necessary, which it rarely ever was.
Yipu looked up and down the corridor they materialized in, and saw the endless row of Borg lining the wall. He was struck with the momentary fear that they might immediately attack, and he unconsciously grabbed the hilt of his aria. But the Borg remained motionless in their regeneration units, and Yipu relaxed. It seemed what Tuvok said about the Borg ignoring individuals was right.
Yipu noticed the fear in his comrade’s eyes, and placed a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. Oyi smiled wearily in return. Waiting was the only thing the two could do now, and Tuvok had said that the transport of all fourteen people would take several minutes. So the two sat down, waiting for the signal from the last group.
The clang of footsteps filled the hallway. Yipu and Oyi both leapt to their feet, ready to pull their arias out of their scabbards. A single Borg approached from one end of the hallway, and Yipu glanced down the other direction to make certain that no more were on their way. Satisfied that the Borg were not alerted to their intentions, he relaxed his grip on his blade, and began to sit back down.
Oyi, however, tightened his grip on his sword. Yipu reassured his companion, but Oyi did nothing but stare intently at the Borg who was coming closer by the second. Suddenly, Oyi burst forward, and attacked the lone Borg with more fury than Yipu had ever seen. Yipu, knowing the Borg would not ignore them now, drew his sword and watched for the Borg that would undoubtably arrive to eliminate the threat.
“What were you thinking!” Yipu yelled at his companion. “That Borg was alone, and would have ignored us. Why did you have to attack it? Now we are going to be up to our necks in Borg!” As he said that, two Borg removed themselves from their regeneration stations and moved towards the two Bint’Ari.
“You don’t understand,” Oyi replied, angrily. He was so nervous that he could barely hold his sword.
“If that was some kind of play to go down in a blaze of glory, then you are damned right I don’t understand. Your hotheadedness may have cost us our planet!”
“That Borg,” Oyi spat, and he glared at his companion, “was my father.”
Yipu did not answer. He was uncertain what he could say. No one from his family had been assimilated, he had no family. If one of his parents had lived to see this day, and had been assimilated, he might have reacted the same way. To see your own father taken from you, and transformed into a monster would be something very hard to bear.
Finally, Oyi shook off his shock and confronted the Borg that was about to come upon him. Both men fought hard, pushing the Borg that had lines up to confront them further and further away from the warhead. Finally, the communicator attached to the bomb beeped, the signal that all the Bint’Ari and the warheads were safely aboard. Yipu rushed back, and pressed the button that would start the timer on the detonator. Quickly he stood back up and lifted his sword, just in time to deflect the blow of the Borg that had caught up to him.
The fighting continued furiously until the very end, when both sides were taken up in the explosion.
——————————————————————————–
The noise inside the shuttlecraft was almost deafening. Every alert klaxon B’Elanna had ever heard was sounding, as well as a few she was completely unfamiliar with. It took all her concentration to ignore the alerts and keep transporting people over to the cube.
It was no strain for Tuvok to ignore the sirens, however. He was more concerned with keeping the shuttle out of the Borg tractor beam. Tuvok was an average pilot, but continually rotating the frequency of the shields while dodging Borg shots was something that was barely beyond his reach, by his own calculations.
“Lieutenant Torres, I will not be able to evade the Borg tractors for much longer,” Tuvok said, hoping his encouragement would speed her up a bit.
“I can’t go any faster! The transporter’s recharge cycle is longer than usual because of all the damage. Just one more-”
The shuttle’s engines whined, and sparks flew from the transporter system in the back of the shuttle.
“The Borg have locked on to us with a tractor beam,” Tuvok reported.
“What happened?” Ehy, one of the two remaining Bint’Ari in the back asked.
“We have to drop the shields each time we use the transporter,” B’Elanna replied with a silent curse. “They caught us mid-transport. Damn! The transporter buffers have been damaged. We can only send one pattern at a time!”
“Send the bomb! We have to get it over there!” Ehy cried.
“This may be our last opportunity,” Tuvok interrupted. “Our shields are draining rapidly. Once they go down again, the Borg will cut through our hull and we will be assimilated. If we send the bomb, no one will be there to signal the others.”
“Then do it!” Ehy cried. “We need to-”
Ehy disappeared in the familiar blue transporter effect. Almost immediately a loud clang was heard, and the hull of the shuttle began to squeal.
“The Borg have targeted us with a cutting beam,” Tuvok explained. As he did so, a bright green beam pierced the shuttle, and began to dissect the hull. A force fields automatically went up between the cockpit and the hull breach.
The final Bint’Ari, unfortunately, was on the other side of the force field. A panicked scream tried to escape his lips as the air seeped out of the damaged hull. Unable to hold onto his seat, the Bint’Ari was dragged around the compartment by the escaping air, and eventually into the still energized cutting beam which was making its way through the shuttle. He was fused into the deck plate of the shuttle, his remains nothing more than a solid brown puddle.
“How long until we lose engines?” B’Elanna asked, her eyes on the cutting beam.
“Nineteen seconds,” Tuvok replied.
“And until the bombs detonate?”
Tuvok said nothing, merely gesturing towards his console. B’Elanna peeked over, and saw two countdowns, each identical to less than a hundredth of a second. She held her breath.
Suddenly, the cutting beam stopped, and the tractor beam was released. Tuvok wasted no time. He turned the shuttle around and ordered B’Elanna to get the shields back up.
“What happened?”
“I would surmise that the Borg have detected the warheads, and have deemed our assimilation a waste of resources, for the moment,” Tuvok replied.
“I’ve got minimal shields,” B’Elanna reported. “I hope its enough.
“The cube has detonated,” Tuvok said. “Shock-wave approaching. Brace for impact.”
The force of the explosion was felt as the shock-wave slammed into the hull of the shuttle. The star-field outside began to spin rapidly, the planet below moving in and out of the shuttle’s viewfield. With the shields still up and the shuttle intact, it was a small matter for Tuvok to stop the shuttles spin.
With no more emotion than if he had just laced his boots, Tuvok turned the shuttle back towards the surface. Torres, on the other-hand, stretched out her arms. Though she felt a range of emotions, from the thrill of victory to the sorrow of the loss of so many men, her body had other priorities. She fell back into her seat and promptly fell asleep.
——————————————————————————–
Xytin was beaming. Her abrupt change in demeanor had brought more than a curious glance from those nearby in the officer’s mess. Finally Chakotay, who had accompanied Xytin to get something to eat, had to ask why she was so happy.
“They’ve done it,” she explained. “The cube has been destroyed!”
“How do you know?” Chakotay asked. “Voyager moved back behind the nebula, so that the cube would not detect it. Since then, we haven’t seen anything it has done.”
“Ito has seen it, so I have seen it,” Xytin explained, with a grin plastered to his face.
“Ito is your husband, right?” Chakotay asked.
“He is my bond-mate, but I believe it is the same,” she replied. “It is so wonderful for both of us. He was without my voice for so long, and to be together again, especially now, is quite gratifying.”
“I think I understand what you are feeling,” explained Chakotay. “Is there any part of your experiences that are not shared with that of your other?”
“None. Our minds are joined completely. Anything he knows, remembers, feels, or otherwise experiences I can remember as clearly as he can,” Xytin explained. “What is this drink called? It is positively fascinating!”
“Hot chocolate, an Earth drink,” Chakotay replied, with a smile. “What does Ito think of your experiences on Voyager?”
“He is thrilled. We were always the type of people that suspected that there was indeed life on other planets, but we had no idea what type of people they would be,” Xytin replied. “When the Borg came, we knew for certain that there was alien life. Unfortunately, the Borg were not very friendly. We wondered if all of the other life in the universe were like the Borg. That was a frightening prospect. Now we know that there are those in the universe that are like us, peaceful and kind to other races.”
“We like to think of ourselves as kind and understanding, but we do falter from time to time,” said Chakotay.
“Of course, no one is perfect. Is it true that Ti’Hat and the Vulcan, B’Elanna and Tuvok, is it true that they are from this ship?” Xytin asked.
“Yes, it is. In fact, they are both very good friends of mine,” Chakotay explained. “For a while, I thought that they might be dead. When the Captain told me that you knew where they
were, you can’t imagine how relieved I was.”
“I am glad to have eased your concerns,” replied Xytin. “But your friends have been the saviors of my people. If you never lost them, my world might be conquered now.”
“Very true,” replied Chakotay.
“Mr. Chakotay, and Ms. Xytin! How are you doing?” Neelix approached (again proudly wearing his “chef’s hat”). “I trust the chocolate was to your liking?”
“Very good, Neelix. You are the first man I’ve met that could make anything so delicious. The men on my world don’t often cook.”
“Thank you, but there is more to come! And, if I do say so myself, you are in for a treat. For your dinner, I have prepared a delicious Vulcan delicacy, and if I do say so myself, it is absolutely fabulous!”
“I am certain it will live up to your renown culinary standards, Neelix,” Chakotay sarcastically replied.
——————————————————————————–
Janeway sipped her coffee as she looked over the sensor reports detailing the small Borg cube that they encountered. She was unable to discuss it with Seven of Nine before, as she was sent to the Command Mothership to assist in repairs. Though the Khamish reluctantly agreed to allow men to assist in the repairs, Janeway felt it best to send as many women as possible. Seven was an obvious choice.
Janeway set down her mug and replied to the chime at her ready room door.
“Come in.”
Seven of Nine walked in, and as usual remained standing in front of the table, even though Janeway had offered her a seat.
“Are the repairs aboard the Khamish ship completed already?” Janeway asked.
“No,” Seven replied. “But they are far ahead of schedule. I thought I would be more useful aboard Voyager.”
Janeway smiled, and decided to ignore the minor breach in protocol. “I suppose you are right. I did want to talk to you about the Borg ships we just encountered. Janeway offered the PADD with the sensor report on it to Seven.
Seven regarded the PADD for a moment, and looked back at Janeway, “Your question.”
“We have never encountered a Borg vessel of that type,” Janeway replied. “I was wondering if you could give me some information about it. I would like to know what to expect if we run into another.”
“It is a mid-sized attack vessel designed for maximum maneuverability. It is designed to combat species with a technology rating between .7 and 2.3. The Federation is classified with a technology rating of 3.7, so it would be inefficient to send such a vessel to aid in its assimilation. It also has a very limited range, and would not be well suited for a long journey to the Alpha Quadrant. ”
“Bridge to Captain,” Janeway’s communicator beeped.
“Go ahead Mr. Kim.”
“Captain, the Khamish Command Mother is signaling that it is ready to go,” Kim reported. “Our engineering staff will be aboard shortly.”
“Excellent,” Janeway praised. “Well ahead of schedule, too. Is there any word on that Borg cube that we detected heading towards the planet?”
“Xytin says that it has been destroyed,” Kim replied. “The probe we launched towards the planet seems to agree. We detected a large amount of radiation, indicating a nuclear explosion in orbit around the planet. No sign of the Borg cube has been detected.”
“Well, if there is a Borg cube still there, I should like to have the element of surprise working for us,” Janeway said. “Mr. Kim, signal the Khamish Command Mother. We are going to proceed towards the planet at full impulse through the nebula. Let them know that they should be prepared to deploy their fighters as soon as we emerge on the other side.”
“Aye Captain.”
“Well Mr. Paris? Lets get a move on,” Janeway ordered, as she and Seven strode onto the bridge. Janeway was pleased. Not only did it look like they had found the missing crewmembers, they also might not have to face a Borg attack cube after all. Things were developing nicely. With any luck, Voyager could be on her way back towards the Alpha Quadrant within hours.
A pinkish-blue haze filled the view-screen as Voyager entered the nebula. Janeway had always found nebulae to be fascinatingly beautiful phenomenon, but this one gave her a sense of dread. This particular cloud had been the center of some very serious problems, and Janeway hoped that they rest of their trip through this cluster would go a lot more smoothly.
“We’re coming out of the nebula,” Paris announced. Almost immediately, the pink screen blackened, and several distance stars twinkled into view. Directly ahead, one of the stars grew in size dramatically, as the fleet closed in on it. Janeway ordered an all-stop, so that they could make a sensor sweep of the area, in case any Borg ships were still lurking.
“There is a large field of debris around the fourth planet. It was definitely a Borg cube. It seems that the Borg have been quite busy on the planet as well. I am detecting heavy damage to cities on the surface, as well as some atmospheric contamination. It seems that the Borg had already begun to assimilate the planet’s environment before they were defeated.”
“So you aren’t detecting any Borg on the surface?” Janeway asked.
“None yet,” Kim replied, “But the scan will take some time.”
“What about the shuttle? Is there any sign of it?” Chakotay asked, from the front of the bridge.”
“Nothing yet. I’ll try hailing-” Kim replied, and he hurried to send the message.
“Tuvok to Voyager,” the monotonous yet happily anticipated voice that filled the bridge began, “I am reading you. I am transmitting the coordinates of the shuttle to you now.”
“It is good to hear your voice, Tuvok,” Janeway beamed. “Is Lieutenant Torres with you?”
“She is, though she is currently resting. I would not advise waking her, as it has been a long time since she has taken to opportunity to get some sleep. The last person who tried to wake her was given adequate reason to fear for his life.”
“Understood, Tuvok. We will be sending a party down shortly. Also, a Bint’Ari native we discovered in a heavily damaged ship will be accompanying the landing party. Her name is Xytin. Are you familiar with an Ito, her husband?”
“Indeed I am. I will send word to him immediately that his wife will be arriving shortly. I shall also notify the head of the government that representatives from Voyager will be arriving within the hour. The shuttle is presently near the building that is being used for governmental activities, but the First Citizens are not there. There is yet another ‘celebration’ going on, it will take some time to determine the location of either of them.”
“Very well Tuvok, we shall see you shortly. By the way, I have heard some very interesting stories about you two from this Xytin. I am very much looking forward to reading your report.”
Tuvok replied in something frighteningly close to a grumble. “Indeed. I, however, am not looking forward to writing it. Tuvok out.”
As the channel was closed, Janeway let a chuckle escape her lips. “Something tells me that Tuvok did not enjoy his stay on Bint’Ari very much,” she joked.
“Are you kidding?” Chakotay replied, equally amused. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tuvok enjoy himself.”
“True,” she replied. “But I’ll bet B’Elanna had the time of her life. It is not too often that she gets to indulge her Klingon half, and a full scale ground war against the Borg might be just the thing she needed.”
“Poor Tuvok. His entire stay on that planet must have been a nightmare. I can only imagine the total lack of logic that prevailed down there.”
“I’m just happy to have them back,” Janeway replied, as she rose from her seat. “Chakotay, you have the bridge. I need to get ready to beam down.” With that, she made her way into the turbolift.
——————————————————————————–
Word had spread quickly around the capital about the arrival of Voyager and the Khamish fleet. Within minutes of Tuvok’s contact with the ship, both of the First Citizens, several members of the Council, and hundreds of Bint’Ari people had gathered near the beam-down sight. After all, for most of the world, the only experience with aliens that they had was with the Borg. Many were afraid, but most were curious about this new alien species.
Within an hour of their conversation, Janeway beamed down with Kim, Nikolayevich, and the Khamish Colonel. The sight of the two humans brought little reaction from the Bint’Ari, since they had already seen Tuvok, who looked very similar to a human in most respects. The Khamish Colonel instilled a sense of shock and panic in the crowd, however. Tuvok and Torres immediately went forward to greet their crewmates, with no more than a passing glance at the quadruped Kham.
Yavitz and her other both hesitated at the sight of the large insectoid, but they thought it best to present their best faces, and greet the unusual being with respect.
“Captain Janeway, I presume,” Yavitz began, deciding it best to begin with the obvious. After the Captain returned her smile with a nod, she continued. “I am Yavitz, and this is my other, Ira. We are the Usumi of Bint’Ari. It is a pleasure to welcome you to are world.”
“Thank you,” Janeway replied with a smile. “This is Ensign Kim, and this is the commander of the Khamish fleet.”
“Does the Commander have a name?” Ira asked nervously.
“You would not be able to pronounce my name, nor could we translate it into something you could,” the Colonel replied, trying to keep the contempt out of her voice. After all, it was difficult to even imagine a drone as the head of a government. “You may refer to me as Colonel.”
“It is a pleasure to meet all of you,” Yavitz said. “I’d imagine that you would like to see your friends to your ship, but I would like to invite you all back for a reception later this evening. I know that we haven’t much here, after the Borg’s attack, but I think that some sort of official function should be in order.”
“Actually, we were hoping that you would be our guest on Voyager. Normally, we would be honored to accept your invitation to meet on the planet, but we feel there is some cultural differences that we should work out that might require a more neutral setting,” Janeway said with a glance towards the Colonel, who clearly was in shock at the number of men that were around her.
“Aboard your ship?” Ira asked. “That would be incredible. We would be honored.”
“Then it is settled. Tuvok and B’Elanna, I would like you to beam to Voyager, so that The Doctor can check you out. Ensign Nikolayevich will see to it that the shuttle makes it back to Voyager.” Janeway turned to Yavitz. “We shall see you again in six hours. Ensign Nikolayevich will let you know what to expect during beam up.”
“Thank you, Captain,” Yavitz replied. “I am looking forward to it.
Star Trek, Voyager, and related properties are © Paramount Studio, and the author makes no claim towards them.
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April 16, 2008
On The Shelf This Week - 04.16.08

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK
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CAPTAIN AMERICA #37, $2.99, 32 Pages, Marvel Comics
Written by Ed Brubaker, Art by Steve Epting, Jackson Guice, and Frank D’Armata.
This begins a new storyarc of sorts – they are referring to it as the third act of the “Death of Captain America” story. That continues to fuel the flames that Steve will be back sooner rather than later, though his death has lasted a lot longer than many thought it would. Brubaker is telling a decent story, though he still has a long road ahead of him in cementing Bucky as the new Cap – if that is indeed his goal. He is beginning to give Bucky some depth, and even if he doesn’t end up as Captain America permanently, he is at a point where we will probably be a fixture in the Marvel Universe for some time to come. In the meantime, Brubaker is telling a decent story (if a little decompressed), and Epting is stellar as always on the art. Not a bad selection this week.
DC WILDSTORM DREAMWAR #1 (OF 6), $2.99, 32 Pages, DC Comics
Written by Keith Giffen; Art by Lee Garbett and Trevor Scott; Cover by Mike McKone
Not entirely sure if this series is just your regular comic crossover, or if DC is going to tie this to their Final Crisis event (after all, the Wildstorm Universe is one of the “52 Earths”), but it is certainly great news for longtime Wildstorm fans who have never really had the chance to see a DC crossover with that universe of this magnitude. Of course, this crossover is bound to follow the usual formula, where the heroes will fight at first until they realize they must come together for the common good. The good news is that it will take a few issues to get to that point, so there will be many opportunities for those dream match-ups people actually buy these crossovers to see. Whether the story will be good enough to carry the remaining 4 issues remains to be seen.
FEAR AGENT #20 HATCHET JOB, $2.99, 32 Pages, Dark Horse
Written by Rick Remender, Art by Jerome Opena and Michelle Madsen
Well, this one ended up being three weeks late - the good news is that the title seems to be maintaining a monthly release schedule at this point, even if it hasn’t quite caught up with the solicits yet. Nothing but good news! It doesn’t really matter if this title catches up with the solicits or not (it will be adjusted eventually), a monthly release schedule is all anyone wants, and if it maintains that, everything is perfect.
Of course, there is little to tell you outside what you must have heard about this title by now. Best Sci-Fi book on the market right now - bar none, and it stacks pretty good against comics of any genre at the moment. Disappointed with any of the books on your usual list lately? Give this book a try for a month. At worst, you miss a poor title for a month, and at best, you find out I have been right about this book for the last few years, and you won’t be able to put it down!
NOBLE CAUSES #32, $3.50, 32 Pages, Image
Written by Jay Faerber, Art by Yildiray Cinar and Ron Riley
This issue marks a pretty radical shift for Noble Causes. Faerber is jumping forward 5 years in the story. This is often a risky tactic in superhero ongoings, but strangely enough it might be an extremely successful move for this book. Noble Causes is, in part, a soap opera, and like any soap opera, the potential for stagnation is high. Some of the more dramatic aspects of the story linger far longer than they really should, since they are always so fresh in the mind, and that makes it difficult to really go in a new direction. This jump should help Faerber to do just that with his story.
Noble Causes is a great concept and a consistently entertaining title. This issue will make an ideal time for any new reader to come aboard - in fact, this is probably the best opportunity you will have for some time if you still haven’t tried this book out. Don’t miss this boat!
SUPERMAN #675, $3.99, 48 Pages, DC Comics
Written by Kurt Busiek; Art and variant cover by Renato Guedes and Wilson Magalhaés
Let’s face it - usually, mainstream hero comics are average at best. Sure, you get the occasional good run, but in general most are telling stories that have already been done (in a totally different way, of course), and many times they lose touch with the best parts of the characters as they go. Busiek though - his run on this book was refreshing. His run on Superman was the best we have seen in years - and it is over! Seriously! How do you finally get someone who gets Superman right on the book, and then move him on to something else? Not that James Robinson absolutely won’t carry the rod as well as Busiek, but as they say, if it ain’t broke… Of course, Busiek is moving on to Trinity, so he will still be writing the character, but it really won’t be the same.
As the final issue, and a quasi “anniversary” issue (it ends in a multiple of 25, so I suppose), we are getting an extra large story, with promises of heavy action and heroics. Busiek will no doubt hit this one out of the park with his last at-bat.
WOLVERINE ORIGINS #24, $2.99, 32 Pages, Marvel Comics
Written by Daniel Way, Art by Steve Dillon and Matt Milla
Part 4 of the Deadpool/Wolverine brawl, and not much has changed. The three issues we have read so far (which, by every description, is a preview of the upcoming Way/Dillon Deadpool ongoing) have been remarkably consistent. Way gets Deadpool mostly right - passable at the minimum, with a few choice moments that make you think things might not be so bad after all. Of course, the art remains a killer - Steve Dillon has a unique style that just isn’t suited for Deadpool (or for Wolverine, for that matter), and it continues to hold the story back.
It still isn’t time to declare the upcoming Deadpool ongoing a disaster. Sure, the pieces are still there, but the fact that Way has managed to hold this arc together as well as he has is potentially a really good sign. Still reading with patience here.
ANNIHILATION CONQUEST #6 (OF 6), $3.99, Marvel Comics
Written by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning, Art by Wellington Alves, Tom Raney, Scott Hanna, and Frank D’Armata
The end is here! Despite one minor bump in the middle of this series, it has been pretty solid, and looks like it will culminate here in a nice action packed solution. I especially look forward to finally seeing Quasar cutting loose once her connection to the Quantum Zone is restored. Of course, Rocket Raccoon, Groot, and the rest of Star-Lord’s ragtag bunch continues to be the highlight of this series – hopefully their final contributions to this story will reflect that.
There is a lot of event fatigue out there, but one of the great things about this event is that it is fairly self-contained, and no ongoings really suffered from it. Nova remained outstanding, even if it stalled a little, but in general event stories do a great deal more damage to the flow ad build of many ongoings at once – a short stutter is hardly something to complain about. This event is going to launch the new Guardians of the Galaxy series – which is even more good news. If they duplicate the success of Nova, Marvel will have two completely outstanding ongoing titles on their hands. Fingers crossed that they don’t mess with the formula in the wake of that success!
FEAR AGENT #20 HATCHET JOB $2.99 Now: $2.59
PIGEONS FROM HELL #1 $2.99 Now: $2.59
REX MUNDI DH ED #11 $2.99 Now: $2.59
BATMAN AND THE OUTSIDERS #6 $2.99 Now: $2.69
BATMAN STRIKES #44 $2.25 Now: $1.99
BRAVE AND THE BOLD #12 $2.99 Now: $2.69
CATWOMAN #78 $2.99 Now: $2.59
COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS 2 $2.99 Now: $2.69
DC WILDSTORM DREAMWAR #1 (OF 6) $2.99 Now: $2.699
FLASH #239 $2.99 Now: $2.69
GOTHAM UNDERGROUND #7 (OF 9) $2.99 Now: $2.59
LEGION OF SUPER HEROES IN THE 31ST CENTURY #13 $2.25 Now: $1.99
ROBIN #173 $2.99 Now: $2.69
SALVATION RUN #6 (OF 7) $2.99 Now: $2.59
SUICIDE SQUAD RAISE THE FLAG #8 (OF 8) $2.99 Now: $2.69
SUPERMAN #675 $3.99 Now: $3.49
TANGENT SUPERMANS REIGN #2 (OF 12) $2.99 Now: $2.69
WORLD OF WARCRAFT #6 $2.99 Now: $2.69
DEVIL’S DUE
WORLDS OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS #1 $5.50 Now: $4.99
NOBLE CAUSES #32 $3.50 Now: $2.69
PERHAPANAUTS #1 $3.50 Now: $2.99
ANNIHILATION CONQUEST #6 (OF 6) $3.99 Now: $3.49
AVENGERS CLASSIC #11 $2.99 Now: $2.59
AVENGERS INITIATIVE #11 $2.99 Now: $2.69
CAPTAIN AMERICA #37 $2.99 Now: $2.69
CAPTAIN MARVEL #5 (OF 5) $2.99 Now: $2.69
GHOST RIDER #22 $2.99 Now: $2.59
HOWARD THE DUCK TP MEDIA DUCKLING $11.99 Now: $9.99
INCREDIBLE HERCULES #116 $2.99 Now: $2.69
INVINCIBLE IRON MAN OMNIBUS HC VOL 01 $99.99 Now: $77.99
IRON MAN #28 $3.99 Now: $3.49
MARVEL ILLUSTRATED ILIAD #5 (OF 8) $2.99 Now: $2.59
PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL PREM HC VOL 03 HUNTER HUNTED $19.99 Now: $15.99
WOLVERINE ORIGINS #24 $2.99 Now: $2.69
WORLD WAR HULK AFTERSMASH WARBOUND #5 (OF 5) $2.99 Now: $2.69
X-FACTOR #30 $2.99 Now: $2.69
X-MEN DIVIDED WE STAND #1 (OF 2) $3.99 Now: $3.49
BLUE BEETLE NEWS
It has been generally assumed that with John Rogers’ announced indefinite hiatus from this book that regular co-writer Will Pfeifer would be handling the writing chores. It was the best of a bad situation, but for better or worse, it has been announced that with issue #29, Matt Sturges will be coming on as the new regular writer.
Now Sturges has some impressive credits to his name. His work on Jack of Fables is outstanding, so there is potential for that quality crossing over. Some potential bad news is the focus on Illegal Immigration in his first arc. Of course he promises that he won’t be taking a stand, that the readers will be allowed to “decide for themselves,” but that is a potential double barrel blow early for this book. Political topics have been far too prevalent and there has been way too much preaching in comics of late, and this might just end up being more of the same. On top of that, Jaime’s ethnicity could become more important than his heroic character, which would be a disaster. Rogers always did a fantastic job of keeping the focus on what is really important in a good superhero story, and allowing his ethnicity to serve the purpose it should for any good character - additional depth. As a result, Rogers’ Blue Beetle has been a perfect example of how so-called “minority” heroes should be written. Jumping right into such a hot button political issue could do a lot of damage to that status quo.
Skin color shouldn’t matter when it comes to comic heroes - and it definitely shouldn’t be the defining trait of any character, hero or villain. Hopefully Sturges has kept that in mind as he embarks on a very perilous fine line.
NOTE: Opinions here may not reflect those of X-World Comics LLC or its staff and are solely the opinions of the writer.
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