Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less
by Jamison DeLorenzo

One of the great ideas that I have supported for a long time, the Ironic Punishment Division, is something I find myself wanting to write about multiple times per year. While it always felt like a genuinely funny idea, it never felt like a legitimate one until its appearance in Halloween Special IV on the Simpsons. The only time this idea has worked its way into any of these articles to date was when doling out ‘appropriate’ punishments in a lawsuit several years ago during one of the many media-grabbing lawsuits involving video games and a shooting.

There has not been anything recently that has prompted me to want to repeat this type of article, thankfully, but I feel like there have been a lot of strange reports in the gaming industry that makes me believe that writing such an article is the right thing to do. As such, this week’s edition of the Quagmire is an amalgam of recent events and how I perceive them. While they’re not necessarily punishments they are in a similar vein.

(In other words, there isn’t any one topic this week that is remotely grabbing my interest on any deep level)

The Developers Arms Race:

EA purchases BioWare and Pandemic. Activision purchases Blizzard. Now EA is going after Take Two. Correct me if I’m wrong, but God didn’t smile too kindly down on the Tower of Babel, right? There must be a serious inferiority complex in the industry if all these developers are being sucked up by the industry juggernauts. I mean - there does not seem to be anything to stop these two companies from being bitter enemies and swallowing the industry whole. How can this be a good thing?

At what point would either EA or Activision be satisfied with the amount of developers under their respective iron fists? Why do developers like BioWare or Blizzard feel like it is in their best interest to work for these companies? Blizzard has to be, almost literally, swimming in money with World of Warcraft being the success that it is. What can their motivation possibly be?

This trend scares me a lot, as I’m sure it does many people. If over $150 million dollars gross isn’t enough to stay relatively independent then how much trouble is the industry in?

Solution: It is time to implement some Tyler Durden justice here. No no, nothing violent! Every one of these conglomerate developers needs to be leveled back to ground zero and they all need to start over. The gaming industry produced a lot more interesting fruits when everyone was smaller and competing with each other. It’s true that development costs are much higher now, but every company already has development kits and working relationships with the console manufacturers.

In short, you have what you have and everything else goes away. We should do this every one or two console generations to keep the playing field level and to keep companies from becoming unstoppable intergalactic developer black holes.

Jack Thompson and EA:

First he was annoying. After some time he became funny. After having a suspended license, being called out by Penny Arcade, and still shooting his mouth off he was a running joke. Now we’re at the point where the running joke is just annoying and we want it to exist in a small corner (under a blanket, inside a very small box, inside of another box…) of the universe.

Basically, Jack Thompson has followed the path of the Energizer Bunny (too bad it is not a fabled RPG career arc). I am old enough to remember when both of these gags started in the entertainment industry. Anyway, now Jack wants to be a part of EA because they want to buy out Take Two, Jack’s mortal enemy. On top of his other spectacular failures he’s being, rightfully, snubbed in this move. He’s been viral for a long time, but now it looks like all other potential enemies of Rockstar want nothing to do with him (along with the Bar Association).

Solution: There is not a whole lot you can formally do here, but that doesn’t mean satire cannot help. If you have been to ThinkGeek at all and are a fan of Office Space you know about the Initech No Talent Ass Clown Award. We need a website to create a running list of worthy recipients of this award. I don’t think there’s any question Jack should be an award winner (and a potential inaugural lifetime achievement award winner).

Street Fighter IV:

I try to get excited about games that I worshipped as a kid. Fighting games can be a ton of fun, and Capcom struck platinum (it went far beyond striking gold) with Street Fighter II. Approximately 3,420 iterations of the franchise later, maybe 2 of them being mildly interesting, there is noticeable buzz surrounding Street Fighter IV. Why exactly are we supposed to care about this game?

Oh, right - it’s a 3D fighter now! This is innovative for the Street Fighter franchise, but more of a Rip Van Winkle-esque RSVP to the modern console fighter party. The artwork does a decent job of keeping the old Street Fighter II cartoony look while adding some ruggedness to each of the classic characters. Unfortunately, nostalgia alone is not going to make this game work. Perhaps if Capcom stopped going to this well so frequently there might be something left here.

Solution: Here we need to employ the Old Yeller approach. Street Fighter is an old dog now. We had a lot fun with it as kids. It’s run around everywhere and has become old and tired. If I this were 1995 I might be excited about a fresh entry in the franchise, but the reality of the situation is that I’m bored to death of Street Fighter. If this game doesn’t offer anything new then it’s going to be received as well as GoldenEye: Rogue Agent.

Here’s my main point: it’s time to take this franchise out back behind the barn and let it never be heard from again. Don’t cry. Don’t fret. There is no need to weep - there are plenty of solid fighters out there that will make you much happier than this franchise possibly could. It’s time to get a new fighter.

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