Everything you wanted to know about gaming, and less.

by Jamison DeLorenzo

If you are entertained by mindless yammering then the last several weeks has been a lot of fun for you. Anyone lucky enough to experience the incessant political advertisements over the past couple weeks understands. If you like gaming as well then so much the better. It appears as though we are at the peak of the fanbot (I am coining a term here and I doth not care if it catches on- I choose bot because it has no gender discrimination, most arguments sound exactly the same, and all of them have been programmed to repeat said arguments) era before our current generation of gaming. Once the consoles start coming out people can no longer make endless comments loaded with conjecture about how much fun a console is going to be.So I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I struggle with my inner sadist (something I am hoping that Jerry Springer can resolve in his “Making Peace With Your Inner Sadist” special). Sure, peace of mind will start to set in once the games start coming out and everyone can play them. All of the pre-launch hype will be gone and we will finally be able to see where all of the consoles truly stand. Mostly I am feeling relief because then the consoles will finally rest where they should- on the merits of the games. Ever get the feeling that a merit badge system is in order to judge these consoles properly? Give me through Christmas and we may have something in that arena.

Enough game trailers, pictures, press releases, and articles have been written to convince me of one thing- if you want to dislike a console you will nitpick everything you can dig up. If you spend enough time reading about these consoles you will start to wonder if people in this country care more about which console is better than their state representative (who, ironically, is more than likely is working on pushing an anti-gaming bill). If there are not any console advertisements that use political attack ads there should be. In fact, that is my motivation for this week’s rant: advertisements we all want to see that nobody is showing.

The reason I think these things up, other than to entertain myself, is because advertising is a major pet peeve of mine. Advertisers, along with sports referees, are among the worst at doing their job right now (I stopped making fun of politicians and lawyers long ago- it is way too cliché). Advertisers make tons of cardinal sins: they rely too much on meaningless clichés, are too in your face (local car dealers are experts here), make up unbelievable lies (like Circuit City’s ad that they eventually pulled where they mentioned they were the only site that showed consumer ratings of products), do something way too abstract (like that PS9 ad when the PS2 was introduced), or make something that makes absolutely no sense (there’s a drug commercial for a sleeping pill with an actual listed side effect of drowsiness, which is basically equivocating the pill to those hair-growing drugs that only work by sheer coincidence).

Admittedly I am almost without a doubt the last person who should be running an advertising campaign, but if nothing else the point would get across and it would be entertaining. My style is this- commercials that are direct, memorable, and funny. Last year I made up an advertisement that involved a bunch of stuffed animals being destroyed in various ways, pretty much stealing the snowman idea from Calvin & Hobbes, in an attempt to demonstrate what would happen if violent games were taken away from kids without any other changes in their lives. The memorable shot of the commercial was a teddy bear with a noose around its neck attached to a slow-moving ceiling fan. I set it all to some eerie piano music also for irony. Like I said, I am almost without a doubt the last person who should be running an advertising campaign (sometimes what people think is funny is nothing more than disturbing). Nonetheless I still think it’s a good idea.

So, in no particular order, are some ideas for commercials. Any statement with a ‘+’ next to it indicates a positive advertisement that I would make based on pretext while, not surprisingly, a ‘-’ refers to a negative advertisement (and if you think I won’t resort to relying on some scary-sounding voice to deliver some of the attack ads you obviously haven’t figured out what I do here yet). Also remember, if you see anything on television or a website that resembles these ideas who know whom to thank!

Online Content:

If you believe that the XBox 360 has been coasting on its online system, Live (XBL for short), you would be right. The controllers are not much different, the multimedia support is only marginally better, and Live is improved but not a whole lot. Granted, there was not a whole lot to improve with Live as it is an overwhelming success in connecting anyone with an Ethernet connection to the outside world. Sony and Nintendo cannot say anything right now about their online stuff without getting served by XBL, so trying to make an ad for either of them would just not be worth it.

+ (360): Considering Microsoft laid the groundwork for online console gaming while nobody else has an established infrastructure for it, the required ad is a group of friends, maybe 5 people, playing together in a FPS and having a good time. After someone mentions not being able to do a 3×3 team game, somebody asks where X is, panning to some guy holding a controller in the obvious shape of a Sony DualShock controller staring at a blank TV sitting on the couch for several seconds. Simple and to the point.

I also think that if you were Microsoft you should have added Bill Gates to the end of several 360 ads- you know- “I’m Bill Gates and I approve this message” during the election timeframe. This would have killed.

- (360): Even easier, but you need to take two different angles. First, because Sony at least tried to incorporate an online element with their last console, you have to resort to obscure hyperbole. Sony doesn’t want you to be online would be good. Definitely toss in a 6 year-old kid who is trying to convince his dad that he can get online too with the dad smiling and nodding. As for Nintendo, there’s always room for a Britney Spears joke. Just make a bunch of people dance around like idiots and talking incoherently into a headset and that should do the trick. Oh, for those of you that inexplicably missed it, Britney pulled a Milli Vanilli at all of her concerts. She claimed it was because the dancing prevented smooth singing while I still maintain that she is wholly unable to carry a tune.

Games:

Only one company has the edge here also, mostly because only one console has been established so far. It is true that there are exclusive titles on the horizon that people cling to, and there is nothing wrong with that, but if you look at what’s out there now Microsoft has a lot going for it. Here are a couple ideas:

+ (360): Elder Scrolls IV, Project Gotham Racing 3, Gears of War are out now and are fantastic. Later on you will see Halo 3. All of these are 360 exclusives and are major sellers. If Gears of War catches on like I think it should (I see it as leaps and bounds, pun intended, better than Halo to date) then you are looking at 4 powerhouses that no other console has. I’m not sure of the best way to flex that muscle as you do have to be careful due to competing titles on other platforms (Gran Turismo and Final Fantasy to name two), but Halo is considered the flagship series for the XBox, so using that is a must. Something like the Master Chief blowing up a bunch of nasty aliens with a series of heavy weapons, diving into a room, seeing the other consoles, standing up straight, and then dropping a grenade and walking casually out of the room with an explosion in the background after strolling down a hall or something. That might work.

+ (Wii): Mario is the most globally (I recently stopped using universally because, well, I’d feel way too guilty if an alien ever read this article… clearly my caffeine intake today is higher than normal) recognizable video game character and we know that Nintendo is pushing hard towards families being able to game together. So it’s simple- anyone that uses another console must be in a dysfunctional family! Show a family of 4 in front of a television with a Nintendo playing some Mario game together. You want a light set for this. After that switch to some teenager sitting by himself in a room with the lights off playing something similar to Manhunt. The father in a wife beater T-shirt comes in and rips the console out from the wall with the kid whining and yelling. Follow this with a camera outside capturing the front door opening and the console being tossed onto the street and shortly thereafter a truck crushing it while driving by. A little dark of an ending for Nintendo, so better switch back to the family thinking they hear something outside only to go back to playing Mario. Fun for the whole family!

Controllers:

It is pretty safe to assume that Nintendo has put the most work into this arena this time around. I still refuse to believe Sony was able to put together a tilt controller with full range of motion as a reaction to the last E3 but I guess anything’s possible. Either way as Nintendo you have to push this angle because the Wiimote’s form factor lends itself much more easily to tilt control gaming.

- (360): Clearly you have to try and sell the whole notion of tilt controlling not being that fun considering Microsoft is the sole company not integrating that into their console experience. Show people using the Wiimote and the Sixaxis controllers while clearly frustrated. Show some game footage of characters dying in spectacular fashion and the player getting mad or putting the controller down while upset. After enough sequences a character stopping on screen and placing a couple question marks in a bubble over their head would be good too. Show a split-screen shot of both controllers with red X’s and the buzzer sound effect. Finish off with a stick-with-what-works motif and you’re all set.

- (Wii): Nintendo is the only company willing to use a controller that looks different this time, so that needs to be the target. You should be thinking what I’m thinking- kids insulting each other at their friends house! Hey, they’re doing it online anyway, so the transition is smooth. Show up at house A with a 360, have one kid yell at the host with something like “I can’t believe you’re still using that same old controller!” He gets up and leaves, the friends follow, and the host just sits there with a dumb look on his face. Everyone makes it over to the house with the Wii, they start playing, then somehow this kid pulls out a PS3 controller and have the 360 host grab the controller and throw it on the ground. He stares at the kid, who now has a shamed look on his face after everyone else is shaking their head at him for even bringing it into the house. You can’t lose as long as you decry the other controllers.

+ (PS3): The current ad Sony is doing with the PS3 controller isn’t bad although it is borderline too abstract… the one with the controller moving objects around the room, not the exploding Rubik’s cube. The only reason I mention it here is because it is actually pretty good, which is a rare thing given my skewed taste.

Cost:

Clearly one of the only non-subjective topics in the battle. The only possible controversy is that if you want to be an early adopter for high-definition DVD then the PS3 does indeed save you money. However, most people do not want to spend that much money for what for them is largely just a gaming console (although it’s funny that when the PS2 came out, the additional DVD feature was popular… now it’s pure evil).

+ (Wii): I have yet to use women effectively in any of these advertising ideas, and I think I have one of my really good ideas for this one. Show two men in separate frames taking $600 with the girlfriends giving them an evil look. Both go into a mall. One buys a PS3 and comes home to a slap in the face with the girl storming out the front door. The other buys a Wii and some jewelry, keeps the Wii in the trunk and brings in the necklace. Everybody wins, and don’t you just love happy endings?

+ (PS3): We need something similar here, except you have to sell the idea that the PS3 is much more than a gaming console. The multimedia capabilities are quite impressive, so if you care about such things then this ad will work wonders for you. I thought about going the same route as the previous commercial with this one. I wanted to use the college angle because I enjoyed it so much, like watching HD movies and having another $300 in Ramen noodles in boxes behind the couch, but no college kid low on cash is going to spend $600 to save on a hi-def DVD player. The best way t go if you’re Sony for this is to have two guys standing in separate but adjacent lines in an electronics store. Customer A is struggling to hold a 360, HD-DVD player, and a multimedia hub. Customer B is just holding a PS3. They look at each other, then look away, the PS3 customer smirks, swipes his check card and gets out the store quickly. For added effect the customer behind the Customer A asks him why he’s holding all those boxes, Customer A turns around and throws all the boxes at him, knocking him over (physical humor still works like a charm), and leaves.

There are many more ideas, but that seemed like enough for the week. With any luck you were able to picture what I was trying to describe. Who knows, if a company uses one of these ideas then there just may be a future for me in advertising. Wouldn’t that be fun?

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