The Gamer’s Quagmire: 8th Edition
- Jamison DeLorenzo

Gaming, humor, and insanity in harmony

Television is probably the invention that has had the most impact on our society in a long time. Certainly there are other inventions that have had dramatic effects- electricity, the integrated circuit, frozen pizza, the cellular phone, the microwave, air conditioning, plastic, the internet, sliced bread, and the kitchen sink. I am not going to sit here and debate which one of these is the most important- let’s just talk about television for a while.

On April 25, 2002, a new cable channel was launched on the G4 channel. No, this channel wasn’t solely devoted to selling Macintosh CPUs but instead devoted to video games. This was a fantastic idea because as big as the gaming industry was getting there was not a whole lot of press on television for it. Considering gamers were mostly restricted to spotlight half-hour shows here or there this was a huge event. The only problem was that you had to have a big cable package to get this channel. Like most interesting ideas it started off being really interesting and then became more stale than a year-old bagel. And for those of you wondering I have seen a year-old bagel. It is a fun experiment- just leave it in your school locker and forget about it.

Part of the overall concept that made this channel interesting was that those in charge of its programming did some innovative things- even if they weren’t smash hits. For its first week on the air G4 showed nothing but the classic game Pong. Two opposite white rectangles represent paddles and a 1×1 white square represent a ball over a black background is hardly highly entertaining viewing, but at least it showed guts and a devotion to gaming.

At the time I found this out I had been quite skeptical of this idea, but the problem is that, aside from being a cynic in general, there are very few people that would watch something like this (and I was right- cynics do love it when negative opinions pay off). For a lark you could have tossed in some sportscasters hyping up a matchup, creating fake rivalries, discussing strategy, or even throwing around fake players’ statistics to add something fresh to the these games of Pong. Sometimes all you need to grab interest in a show is a lot of hype and insane commentators. Look no further at college basketball and Dick Vitale.

Back when the channel launched I didn’t know what the angle was with the Pong marathon and to some degree I still don’t. At least there was some edge to it. Still, watching Pong for more than one day was impossible even for me. This isn’t being egotistical- you are dealing with someone who can watch billiards, golf, or bowling for hours on end, so when you fail to catch my interest with an overall slow-paced event involving a game you are doing something wrong. Then again I am not a marketing genius, so what do I know?

After getting a cable subscription and watching the shows whenever possible I was able to see some definite signs of potential. A lot of the shows weren’t spectacular but they provided hope. Gamers don’t tend to care all that much about script writing or professionalism when it comes to presenting games. We care about one thing- the games. If a show is presenting games and not getting in the way of them then, as far as I see it, the show is a success. Dulling your audience to sleep with a week’s worth of the equivalent of watching an ant push salt across your desk is not the best way to get people to watch your network (hmm, maybe it is time to give this Pong-bashing a rest).

Once the first week passed the shows were decent and they did provide gamers with what they wanted to see. There were reviews and footage of the latest games. There was advice for beating the latest and most popular games. What the channel needed to conquer was how all of this information was presented. Considering that most gamers who could get access to this channel, especially now, already had a relatively fast internet connection this network needed edge and something fresh to draw people in. Gaming in general is good but more was needed to get people to watch. That really is the main problem that the TV network must address. How is the TV programming going to give an advantage over going out and finding the information yourself? I know I’d rather go out on the web and find the information myself when I want to rather than waiting for the timeslot to appear.

The question I had asked myself is that if the programming didn’t eventually become relatively solid, if nobody started watching and the programmers don’t get paid this really isn’t going to work, is it? For a period of over two years I really wanted this network to succeed. Gaming channels do not have a good track record by any means. Those of you that remember the follies of the Sega Channel in the days of the Genesis will probably remember a whole slew of things not to do. For starters, if the platform sucks there’s no reason to give it its own TV channel. It still bothers me that a horrible gaming system was synonymous with a fantastic band (2 things which the system was not). However, despite the past track record I believe that there is a place for a gaming channel on television. If a channel can exist for nothing but game shows then why not can’t there be one for video games as well?

At one point I thought this ideal gaming channel would be G4. Things are vastly different nowadays. Over time I look at how this channel has progressed and it is enough to make a grown gamer cry. And no, I am not upset that many of my initial suggestions never took place. I was never cut out to be in charge of television programming, but at this point this channel, once involved in the gaming business, should start considering some of the following ideas:

1. More than 400 hours of original game-related programming in 1 year.
2. Run a special every month of a group of people playing through a 30 to 80-hour RPG.
3. Don’t let David Arquette appear anywhere on the network. A bag of peanuts can tell me more about a video game (or anything else) than that idiot.
4. Horrible Video Game Hour. It will run spots on classics like Daikatana, ET, Michael Jordan in the Windy City, Shaq-Fu, Independence Day, Force Commander, and other timeless classics.
5. Random 5 or 10 second clips of the latest Tekken game.
6. Rare footage of someone walking into a video game store and asking for an Atari Jaguar title by name.
7. No commercials haplessly pimping stupid cars, such one with the ungodly phrase “the minivan with the soul of a sports car” or teenagers hanging outside the trendy box known as a Scion. I can’t believe this garbage gets air time.
8. FMV Marathons. There’s almost nothing more enthralling than watching these videos. Fans of Final Fantasy and Metal Gear understand.
9. Televised floggings of people responsible for really bad video games. Not only is this fun, it’s a potential deterrent as well!

   and finally…

10. Monthly Civilization weekend marathons.

G4 has had plenty of time to evolve. Re-working show formats, changing hosts, removing bad shows and bringing in fresh shows are all part of the evolution of a network. At this point G4TV has evolved to a large extent, only it is now no longer a gaming network. It has long since become apparent that those in charge of this network have no concept of how to manage time slots or even figure out what to do with itself. After merging with TechTV, which had some good programming and was mildly entertaining, I started to get nervous. When your ad revenue starts to dwindle it’s always best to merge two different stations right? Once a couple of my favorite shows’ format started to change I started to get nervous. Still, the shows kept coming and the programming kept changing, possibly for the better, so perhaps things were starting to turn around.

Once all of the car shows started hitting I became more nervous. The merge with TechTV wasn’t the death knell for G4 as a gaming network, but it was a harbinger. Despite extensive E4 coverage and great coverage of real video game awards, G4TV had now transformed into the low-budget premium channel knockoff of SpikeTV. G4TV’s new motto should be something like “pushing the (lower) limits of cable programming everywhere.” Thanks G4- I didn’t know that was even possible! The additions of two hit shows in Fastlane and The Man Show are another clear sign of this channel’s clear move away from gaming. Did I forget to mention that these shows are no longer on the air and that the more successful show lasted a whole 3 seasons? Always pay attention to what’s being advertised on your station, which shows are being shuffled, and where your favorite shows get shuffled to. The items indicated above were all big signs that, well, this network is dying.

Look at the similarities between SpikeTV and G4TV if you don’t believe me. Both stations revolve around cars and TNA. Both import failed shows from Fox. Both have now tried to use Star Trek to lure more viewers. Both even show video game awards (what on Earth is Samuel L. Jackson doing hosting those- does he owe someone a ton of money?). Do we really need to homogenize all networks that don’t draw in enough viewers?

At this point G4 has reduced itself to one show that’s worth watching- X-Play. Okay, Versus might be another show worth watching. These are true diamonds in the rough. Those of you that do not know about X-Play should give it a shot and pray it moves to a better station. A recent episode had a review of an extremely violent game wherein they covered up blood spatters with pictures and audio clips of kittens. This show has exactly what gamers want- games, funny commentary, honest opinions, random skits, and an unattainably hot chick.

After looking at what G4 was when it started and what it is now it is, unfortunately, time to state that this gaming network is dead. G4 is now just another garbage network with occasional gaming shows (in order words, back where we were before the network launched). Why write about this now? What was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back? The ultimate sin was committed. Filter was taken off of the air. You might think I have blinders on but hear me out for a bit. Even though this show was not going to win any awards and wasn’t some masterpiece it was still a must-see for gamers. It provided everything a real male gamer wants- a ton of games and a hot Asian woman. Canceling that show, while by no means being an Earth-shattering event, is the clearest sign that the original idea behind G4TV is dead. When you change the format of a good gaming show, thusly running into the ground, and then cancel it your station is not a gaming network.

Those that are still hopelessly loyal to the station will become a part of G4TV’s continued and tragic quest to become a station in search of an identity. Once this station first came out I was so hopeful that it would succeed. As a gamer you want all-gamer networks to work out. Now it’s becoming some games, some tech, some cars, and some cancelled TNA shows. Fantastic! I hate to be the one to formally state this, but the teenage gamer segment this network seems to be aiming at is not interested in paying for premium cable to watch Bill Bellamy.

Whatever major backers this station once had will soon have to pull out because no good new programming is entering its realm. Fox survived with a Hall of Fame set of shows with The Simpsons, X-Files, and 90210 for about a decade. Whether you liked them or not they were all ratings monsters. Fox did eventually get more good programming. This is NOT happening on G4TV. Ever. This station was once a beacon as a true gaming network. Since then this original foundation is nothing more than rubble.

Whatever G4TV claims to be it is no longer about gaming. As I see it, it is no longer there. It died on the operating table. Fellow gamers, it’s time for me to state something you all need to see:

R.I.P. G4TV, 2002-2005.

Post your comments in the Forum!