The Gamer’s Quagmire: 6th Edition
- Jamison DeLorenzo

Gaming, humor, and insanity in harmony

As gamers we all have to accept that we live in a world where video game companies can be sued based on almost any violent incident. I mention this because the Grand Theft Auto series no longer holds the torch for game being attacked by the media and moronic parents. After Jack Thompson’s consistent failed attempts to sue game manufacturers and the subsequent suspension of his legal right to practice law in Alabama you would think some other lawyers would catch on to a few things. The ride was interesting, but overall it was like watching the entirety of Matrix Revolutions for the final fight between Neo and Smith. Game manufacturers, even if they do have some moral responsibilities to consumers, do not have a proven legal responsibility when people act on fantasies that reside in video games. Another point is that courts do not seem to respond favorably to bullying.

Gaming addiction is the latest major fake epidemic that is striking the populace across the globe. This type of psychological pandering boggles the mind. I am not going to harp on this point, but it suffices to say for now that somehow people’s inabilities to exude self control and thus succumbing to natural selection costs our country billions of dollars in legislation. Several lawsuits have been brought against Rockstar because of derelict behavior yet none have been upheld. And just like lemmings they keep on coming. What they do not expect is the lord and master of the world to become irritated and use his power to detonate a few more lemmings.

If you have a sudden urge to fire that game up I do not blame you. Tell you what- I have the same craving so let’s meet back here in 30 minutes. Sound good?

China is now home to another incident surrounding gaming addiction. Not all that long ago I was writing about the man who stabbed another man to death over online property he allegedly stole in an online game. This definitely qualified as an extreme case. What is funny is the solution that some are using to curb gaming addiction. Okay, maybe funny isn’t the right word. Let’s use preposterous instead. Regardless, prepare yourself for this one as the solution is definitely worse than the symptoms. In China, with over 1.5 million citizens alone playing World of Warcraft, online game plays are receiving a limit to the number of hours that they are allowed to spend online. The dollar amount spent (after translated into US currency, mind you) for online play in China last year is over $500 million, so the government is obviously concerned that too many citizens are going to be absorbed into a fantasy world (because it always holds that a fringe case is something that everyone is susceptible to). It’s true that China does not have the same background in human rights that America does, but the solution sets precedent and the gaming industry spreads across many boundaries. In related news paranoia is spreading like wildfire.

Gamers’ characters in online games are given handicaps once the gamer has been online for a certain amount of time. After the 5 hour/day line is reached the player is no longer allowed to be online until some time has passed. This is simply ludicrous. Let’s look at this from a rebellious standpoint for kicks. In today’s age how hard is it for one gamer to own a subscription to more than one online game? How many gamers own more than one game? How many gamers have multiple accounts for the same game? Are gamers everywhere going to suddenly figure out that they shouldn’t play more than 5 hours of games in one day? I know I set that alarm every time I sit down in front of my PC.

*cough*

There are plenty of people in my generation that have played games way more than five hours a day for years on end that do not enter any kind of legal trouble at all. How is this possible? W know that there are other things that people do than play games. We understand the legal ramifications for a lot of certain actions. We have plenty of other activities that occupy and entertain our minds. Who knows- without encouragement maybe I would have done nothing but play video games for weeks on end and have no interest in doing anything else. Luckily my parents were kind enough to, um, be parents. Anybody who becomes addicted to anything simply has not been supported into thinking that there are more things to do besides that one thing. Whether that addiction is a chemical dependency or not doesn’t matter.

Bold statement for certain, but I feel it’s accurate (of course, it is easy to claim this without facts or research but because this is satire I can get away with these things). Here’s another bold statement: you can play games for two days straight and walk away without being influenced by it in the slightest way. How do I know this? I have done this several times over the course of my life. Without sleep and little to negative amounts of nourishment I have played games for 2+ days straight (with my peak at 4) without sleep simply because it was summer and nothing else interesting was happening. Heck, that’s practically a vacation for me even to this day.

Here are some specifics. Two years ago I had a week off from work because a new game was coming out and that seemed like a good time to spend many, many hours away from the office vegetating on my highly comfy couch and enjoying my gaming library. By the third day I switched over into full blown Vice City mode. Over a span of five days I played that game all the way through and totaled about 18 hours of sleep. I literally collected every hidden package, every rampage and every mission. Did I start running around outside looking for spinning icons for rockets and flame throwers? Did I start slamming my car into light posts and other cars? Did I start beating up hookers and stealing cash? Did I try to ride a motorcycle through several office buildings and jump off of rooftops? I hate to disappoint you dear readers, but I simply went to sleep and woke up in time for work on Monday.

Aside from where the magic number of five hours a day came from, why do people consistently feel the need to regulate supposed addictions from a tails perspective? Just as alcoholics don’t care about the legal drinking limits gamers won’t care about limits on gaming. Look, there are far worse things that people can do besides play an excessive amount of games. When these people do not want to do anything else that is their choice and perhaps one should look at why they made this choice. I play games because they are entertainment and they are easily accessible. Choosing to be completely unproductive is my responsibility. You have every right to wonder why I would do such a thing and I have no right to blame you for my choice. Combating anxiety and stress promotes overall better health, even if only emotional health. At some point a girlfriend would be a good idea, but we don’t always have time for rational solutions. Speaking of which, perhaps it is time to dwell on why some people believe that Chinese citizens are becoming overly addicted to gaming.

This magic number is just another place where we can start setting some ridiculous restrictions on our lives. Now is the time for the inevitable invoking of Orwell’s 1984 where the government has complete control over everyone’s lives and minds. Anybody that thinks restrictions on what people can do is insane. If people telling you how much coffee you are allowed to drink, how long you can be on the phone, how much television you may watch, how many pages in a book you can read, how many miles you can travel, how many pieces of chicken are allowed for dinner, and so on then be my guest. Sure, this sounds ridiculous to you. You would be correct because it is patently ridiculous. What you have to consider is that legalized restrictions started sounding ridiculous at gaming to me and plenty of other gamers.

Once Grand Theft Auto games started selling at record rates it became news how much money was being made off of its production. Not soon afterwards did people start trying to sue Rockstar. Isn’t it amazing how gaming companies do not get sued until they start making a lot of money? The same thing happened ages ago near the beginning of the first big gaming boom when people where suing the makers of Pac-Man. Imagine it- a little round yellow orb doing nothing more than eating square dots and avoiding ghosts was being sued by actual human beings. I am pretty sure nobody tried to equate it to a drug addict getting high and trying to escape the police. Back then video games were new and nobody seemed to be able to handle this new fad. Evolution is not always able to work its magic.

Twenty years later people still have an inability to handle it, and now we are the point where Blizzard has been sued because somebody committed suicide after playing a lot of World of Warcraft. Somehow some gamer took the mission of killing their avatar to talk to a ghost a little too seriously.

Okay, bad joke. I do contend that the worse joke is that parents are blaming Blizzard for this incident. Maybe the Chinese version of the game has overpowering subliminal messages to jump off of tall buildings. The claim is that jumping off of a building was a re-enactment of a scene in the game. How one can tie together an online game involving killing orcs, elves, undead, and humans into jumping off of tall buildings is a mystery. Wouldn’t it make more sense to pick City of Heroes? After all that is a game where your avatar can jump off of anything and not die. In some cases the avatars can even fly. In World of Warcraft if your character falls too great a distance they die, so after some further research it came out that the game in question was Warcraft III. Apparently the parents were so interested in their child’s life they couldn’t even read the game box when making the claim at the lawyer’s office.

Sorry- that was another bad joke. I do realize, believe it or not, that all of these comments have to sound harsh. I do have some sympathy here for the parents. They did lose a child and that hurts a lot, but the sympathy train derails at the first mention of a lawsuit against a gaming company. It was only a matter of time before a new game became the new major cash cow, and then it was only a matter of time before someone tried to take advantage of it the cheapest way possible. Still, inevitable stupidity is not a good form of stupidity.

Once again the gaming industry is going to get plenty of free press. To a certain extend it could hurt more than it could help as I am not sure how many people willing to give gaming a shot have not heard of World of Warcraft by now. Odds are good that, considering this game is starting to set subscription records, there are not that many people unaware of its existence let alone its virtual stranglehold on the online gaming industry (phew- it’s been a challenge to get virtual and online gaming in the same sentence for a while now and frankly I am very happy to force another joke). For now let’s let some more clueless parents try and sue the gaming industry. The lawsuit will probably fail (and if writing this jinxes the outcome then, umm, err, can I hit a reset button somewhere?), those of you on my side of the river on this will all get a good laugh, and then we will wait for the next major gaming lawsuit to find its way into the headlines. Anybody prepared for the inevitable carpal-tunnel lawsuit against Nintendo for their new Revolution controller?

Unfortunately this lawsuit against Blizzard does set precedent for many jumpers’ families to blame games for death. I do have to be honest here- how did an online game get picked for this lawsuit? I am unable to deal this hurdle. The first game that comes to my mind for blaming on a person’s decision to jump to their death would be any platform game. Crash Bandicoot, Ratchet & Clank, Oddworld, Earthworm Jim, Jak & Dexter, Mario, Castlevania, and a host of others make excellent candidates. Stabbing victims could always use a game like Devil May Cry or Blood Rayne. Let’s see how far I can take this insanity. Who wants to blame Burnout for an excessive crash that ended in a series of lethal injuries? Anybody want to count the number of ways to drop dead in Spy vs. Spy? Who’s up for blaming GTA on behalf of a drowning victim? Want to try and point the finger at Castlevania the next time a candelabra gets knocked over and burns a house down? How about some creative lawsuits in response to Soul Calibur where you can be stabbed 20 times with a katana and still be alive? Plumbers could even claim that Mario convinced them to smash their head into a pipe.

Gamers need not fear this new lawsuit. In time, just as the previous lawsuits against GTA subsided, this one will subside too. Almost every World of Warcraft subscription will be renewed, new subscriptions will be sold, next year’s expansion will fly off the shelves if the gamers don’t pry the boxes out of the shipper’s hands, and Blizzard will continue to make money hand over fist. Perhaps the best thought I can take away from this is that I can still enjoy World of Warcraft happenings months after stopping my subscription.

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